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I’m still a guy.
What has happened with our society in the last 20 years? When I grew up Rambo was a badass and having muscles was cool. These days it seems skinny jeans and bowling shoes are cool and riding your bicycle with an orange flag on it everywhere is the cool thing. What the hell is going on??
Look, I like a good set of pots and pans as much as the next … well… guy, but when push comes to shove, I like guy things: big trucks, guns, boobs and …. any other guy stuff you can think of. I make no apologies for this and when Brad Paisley’s song “I’m still a guy” comes on the radio while I am driving in my big, obnoxious truck, I belt it out right along with him. I know my intellectually elite friends will have plenty to say about this as I am clearly covering up for other shortcomings in my life but I am ok with that. Why? Because I am comfortable in my skin.
When you see a dainty little dude in capri pants and bowling shoes (I saw this the other day at a trendy breakfast spot downtown Denver) what in the hell can a woman see in THAT?? This cat couldn’t have weighed 130 pounds. Is this guy a protector?? Hell, most women today weigh more than that, on average. Are you going to have your woman stick up for you if someone picks on you? You better get yourself a big girl.
I did a little poll the other day and asked all of my friends who are women, if they are attracted to guys that are big and guys that like guy things, or if they like guys that are skinny and in touch with their feminine side – you know: PUSSIES. Not one said anything positive about pussy guys. Now, this MIGHT be an age thing because I admit that I have seen younger girls with skinnier guys and all of my friends are old as hell. Still, can someone explain the attraction??
A few points to live like a guy:
As far as I am concerned, when I am on the road, the bigger vehicle wins. It’s like the food chain of the road. If I put my blinker on in my obnoxious F250 to get into the left lane and you are driving your little car and think you don’t have to let me in, understand that my blinker is not a question, it is a statement. I am COMING OVER. I am just being nice by putting on my blinker so that at least you know I am coming. Why? Because my truck is bigger than your car, therefore, I win.
Special note for trucks: If you have a gas truck and a diesel rolls by and rains black diesel smoke, you lose. It is still a size game and you are showing up to a gun fight with a butter knife.
As you get older, big boobs matter. I don’t make the rules, here, so don’t get mad at me. I am just letting you know what the rules are. When you are young, no one has big boobs other than fat girls. The older you get the more money the women around you have and you see more and more big boobs. Last I checked, big boobs are cool. If you don’t think so, something is seriously wrong with you and I will avoid you in the locker room at the gym. And PLEASE don’t let me hear you say that you don’t like fake boobs. Real guys don’t differentiate. Boobs are boobs and the bigger the better.
Just under boobs and big trucks are guns. The only way you can be a bigger pussy than wearing capri pants and bowling shoes is if you don’t like guns. Guns are more manly than liking big boobs. If you shoot a gun and don’t feel like a man, you aren’t one. Take up crocheting or …. making pineapple-jalapeno jelly. Wait a minute … Scratch that last part as I make a killer pineapple-jalapeno jelly. Still, you get my point.
What is NOT manly?
Talking about your feelings after sex.
Wearing Polo shirts and Sperry tennis shoes.
Sitting at a bar having a microbrew instead of having a PBR in a can.
Riding a bike with a flag on it and wearing a helmet when your bike won’t go more than 15 miles an hour no matter how hard you peddle.
Going to a Pampered Chef party and saying you went because your wife made you (HUGE pussy).
Driving a smart car.
And lastly, and this one is important: pointing out that guys who like big trucks, guns and boobs are insecure. I wouldn’t worry about us as much as I would worry about why your girl keeps looking at us.
Just …. Say … In.
(I’m just having fun so if you qualify as a pussy, I don’t care to hear from you)
What has happened with our society in the last 20 years? When I grew up Rambo was a badass and having muscles was cool. These days it seems skinny jeans and bowling shoes are cool and riding your bicycle with an orange flag on it everywhere is the cool thing. What the hell is going on??
Look, I like a good set of pots and pans as much as the next … well… guy, but when push comes to shove, I like guy things: big trucks, guns, boobs and …. any other guy stuff you can think of. I make no apologies for this and when Brad Paisley’s song “I’m still a guy” comes on the radio while I am driving in my big, obnoxious truck, I belt it out right along with him. I know my intellectually elite friends will have plenty to say about this as I am clearly covering up for other shortcomings in my life but I am ok with that. Why? Because I am comfortable in my skin.
When you see a dainty little dude in capri pants and bowling shoes (I saw this the other day at a trendy breakfast spot downtown Denver) what in the hell can a woman see in THAT?? This cat couldn’t have weighed 130 pounds. Is this guy a protector?? Hell, most women today weigh more than that, on average. Are you going to have your woman stick up for you if someone picks on you? You better get yourself a big girl.
I did a little poll the other day and asked all of my friends who are women, if they are attracted to guys that are big and guys that like guy things, or if they like guys that are skinny and in touch with their feminine side – you know: PUSSIES. Not one said anything positive about pussy guys. Now, this MIGHT be an age thing because I admit that I have seen younger girls with skinnier guys and all of my friends are old as hell. Still, can someone explain the attraction??
A few points to live like a guy:
As far as I am concerned, when I am on the road, the bigger vehicle wins. It’s like the food chain of the road. If I put my blinker on in my obnoxious F250 to get into the left lane and you are driving your little car and think you don’t have to let me in, understand that my blinker is not a question, it is a statement. I am COMING OVER. I am just being nice by putting on my blinker so that at least you know I am coming. Why? Because my truck is bigger than your car, therefore, I win.
Special note for trucks: If you have a gas truck and a diesel rolls by and rains black diesel smoke, you lose. It is still a size game and you are showing up to a gun fight with a butter knife.
As you get older, big boobs matter. I don’t make the rules, here, so don’t get mad at me. I am just letting you know what the rules are. When you are young, no one has big boobs other than fat girls. The older you get the more money the women around you have and you see more and more big boobs. Last I checked, big boobs are cool. If you don’t think so, something is seriously wrong with you and I will avoid you in the locker room at the gym. And PLEASE don’t let me hear you say that you don’t like fake boobs. Real guys don’t differentiate. Boobs are boobs and the bigger the better.
Just under boobs and big trucks are guns. The only way you can be a bigger pussy than wearing capri pants and bowling shoes is if you don’t like guns. Guns are more manly than liking big boobs. If you shoot a gun and don’t feel like a man, you aren’t one. Take up crocheting or …. making pineapple-jalapeno jelly. Wait a minute … Scratch that last part as I make a killer pineapple-jalapeno jelly. Still, you get my point.
What is NOT manly?
Talking about your feelings after sex.
Wearing Polo shirts and Sperry tennis shoes.
Sitting at a bar having a microbrew instead of having a PBR in a can.
Riding a bike with a flag on it and wearing a helmet when your bike won’t go more than 15 miles an hour no matter how hard you peddle.
Going to a Pampered Chef party and saying you went because your wife made you (HUGE pussy).
Driving a smart car.
And lastly, and this one is important: pointing out that guys who like big trucks, guns and boobs are insecure. I wouldn’t worry about us as much as I would worry about why your girl keeps looking at us.
Just …. Say … In.
(I’m just having fun so if you qualify as a pussy, I don’t care to hear from you)
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