Synthol Stupidty - Part II

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After going through the first Synthol Stupidity thread; I thought I would contribute to it with a continuation on the subject.

First, an interview with the Synthol Man himself - Gregg Valentino. Taken from bodybuilding.com.

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PART I


Boxing has Mike Tyson, music has Michael Jackson, pro football has rapists and drug dealers, the world of business has Enron… and bodybuilding has Gregg Valentino. Gregg has the biggest arms the world has ever seen. People want to learn about the freaks. Here is your chance...

Interviewer
T. Man Bones

Not counting the pros, which represent maybe 0.1% of all bodybuilders worldwide, most bodybuilders are healthy, successful people who are doctors, businesspeople, mothers, fathers, preachers, etc. In fact, studies have shown that bodybuilders are usually more successful in life due to the lessons that bodybuilding teaches them, like being disciplined and staying healthy.

But just like every industry or subculture, bodybuilding has it's share of freaks. Boxing has Mike Tyson, music has Michael Jackson, pro football has rapists and drug dealers, the world of business has Enron… and bodybuilding has Gregg Valentino. Does he represent what bodybuilding is about and are all bodybuilders like Gregg Valentino? Of course not. So why would we want to interview him? Well, like it or not, Gregg has the biggest arms the world has ever seen. Bodybuilding is about muscle. People want to learn about the freaks. In other words, enquiring minds want to know. Here is your chance... let the interview begin...

T. Man Bones: Gregg Valentino is popping up everywhere these days. Television talk shows, music videos, mainstream magazines. A lot of people in the bodybuilding community who don't really know Gregg hate what they think he represents. Bodybuilding.com has tracked down the man with the world's largest arms to get his story. Here he talks about synthol, transsexuals, cake shakes, drug dealing, one-legged women, his two favorite pro bodybuilders and his work with special needs children.

TB: Who are you and why should anyone care?

GV: Who the f**k am I? Who the f**k am I? Who the f**k are you talking to?! I'm nobody. I'm nobody special. I'm just a guy who speaks his mind. I'm just a guy who's been through shit that most people would never have been able to survive or comprehend.

TB: Why, when I open bodybuilding magazines, are you and your retarded looking arms staring back at me?

GV: I've been in and around bodybuilding for a long time. I'm no Johnny-come-lately. I was a promoter and competitor in the 70s and 80s. I've been at this way before Ronnie Coleman touched his first weight. That said, I'm not even a fan of the sport. I bodybuild for me and my own head. I got a small man complex., so if I can't grow taller, I'm gonna grow wider! I don't want to be a pro bodybuilder. What for? I'm bigger then them now and I get more ass then most of them!

TB: So why is your deformed bald-headed ass always at every friggin' show I go to?

GV: People like to talk shit about me, but they always want to know what I'm up to and what I'm saying. When Steve Blechman first hired me people said he was crazy, but he believed in me! I remember going to dinner with him and sitting in his car. He was telling me he wanted me to do a column and he didn't care what people thought. His heart told him I was the right man for the job. I am totally loyal to him and Muscular Development magazine.

Steve Blechman changed my life from that moment on. Say what you want about me, but my column is hot and I get a ton of emails each day. I got guys from prison writing to me, telling me I give them a little bit of peace in their f**ked up situation. I even had marines in Iraq write to me, telling me that during a mortar strike they were afraid, till one marine said, "Hey, if Valentino was here, what do you think he would be doing?" and then each marine started saying crazy shit and they all laughed while they were being bombed!

It took their mind off what was going on, yo. That's an honor to me. That's real shit. Steve Blechman is laughing now and I give my readers 6 to 8 pages of entertainment. Say what you want about me but f**k any cunt bag that says shit about Steve Blechman or me. Keep your barbs aimed at me!

TB: Yes, for some strange reason, your column is the first thing I turn to every month in that mag. Again, if you're such a nobody, why do I turn on the TV and I see you on Leno? I open the National Enquirer and you're there. What the hell is wrong with this country?

GV: Keep your eyes on FHM again, and the Steve Harvey show, too. I'm doing a Kid Rock video that was supposed to be done last October but got pushed off till this spring. I get this attention cause I'm a freak and I'm outrageous. It freaks people out that I'm this little guy with huge cannons. On top of that I like to think I'm a likeable guy. I'm friendly and I'll talk to people, yo. I talk a lot about shit that everyone does but not everyone will talk about, like shitting my pants or jerking off. Guys are all f**ked up. Just ask any girl; the difference with me is I talk about it.

TB: We'll get to your dysfunctional sex life in a minute. Tell me more about yourself.

GV: You know why these talk shows love me? Because I talk. They tell me the worst guests they get are the ones who stand there and don't talk. Besides, I'm a positive person. I've been in hell and I f**ked the devil in his ass and survived. I liked it too! It takes a lot to get me down or hurt me. People only see the freak with the big arms or the guy who shits his pant and jerks off while his girl farts in his face.

But there is a whole other side to me. I'm the real deal. I was in with bad mother f**kers! I seen shit and been through stuff that would make most people wanna kill themselves. That which does not kill you makes you stronger. I'm unbreakable! I have one weakness, my kids. That's it. F**k everything else. I've seen people killed in front of me.

There is a lot of bad shit in my past, but I'm at peace now. My demons died when I got arrested. My arrest sucked, but it saved my life in a round about way. My glass is always half full. I don't see the half empty side of things. I get knocked down, but I get up again cause, you can't keep me down!

TB: Very inspirational. Let's cut to the chase. Those arms don't look right.

GV: Let me explain something to you. I always, always, always had big arms. I had twenty-one inch arms before I even started to take steroids. Guys who know me will tell you that. I had 18-inch arms in high school when I was 16 years old at 145 pounds

TB: How tall are you?

GV: I'm 5' 6" on a good day.

TB: And you claim to have had 21-inch arms naturally?

GV: Yeah. Plus check out the shoulder width.

TB: How much synthol do you have in your body?

GV: I've never heard of that product.

TB: Don't bullshit us.

GV: Of course I've heard of it. At one point my arms were 27 and ¼ inches. That was ice cold. Right now maybe they're 24 inches, 24 and a half the most. If my arms were all synthol, why wouldn't I just keep using synthol and keep them 27 inches all the time? By the way, I haven't done a cycle since I was arrested three years ago.

TB: Maybe because synthol and roids are too expensive for you?

GV: Let me tell you something my friend. I don't know what bodybuilding publications you're used to, but my boss Blechman takes care of me.

TB: So how the hell are you three years off shit now and you're still bigger then any pro in the arm area? So really, how much synthol is in those babies?

GV: Ironically Dave Palumbo just wrote in the new issue of Muscular Development about how synthol, like an MCT oil, only lasts a couple days in your body. There's no way it lasts five years in your body. That's absurd. So people who claim I have synthol in my body don't know what they're talking about.

TB: No, but really, how many bottles would I need to get my arms to look like yours?

GV: Listen, guys today would eat dog shit to get big. If Ronnie Coleman said he eats dog shit, guys would do it. If synthol was responsible for my arms, there would be other guys with 27 inch arms or bigger. You'd have twenty-seven inch arms, you punk. How big are your arms?

TB: Cold or warmed up?

GV: Whatever?

TB: 15 and ¼, baby. Read it and weep.

GV: You know what guy? I feel bad for you. I've f**ked fitness athletes with bigger arms than you. Come to think about it, make that figure athletes. What it boils down to is I have a great muscle-mind link. I trained naturally for 23 years before I did my first cycle. I know how to work my biceps and I know how to get them to respond. I wish I had that kind of link for my other bodyparts.

TB: Yeah, I hear your cock would really benefit.

GV: Dude, are you okay with me? I mean, you're f**king around with me, right?

TB: Yeah man. Just trying to make things interesting.

GV: Because, I mean, if you want to get sticky, we can get sticky. You know what I mean?

TB: No, no, man. I'm cool. Just fooling around. Listen, why do you always reveal your arms but nothing else?

GV: Because this is what I want you to see! I'm the Tom Platz of arms! Think about it. Obviously my arms are my thing and I want to attract people's attention to them. I don't want people to be thrown off by anything else. They're freaky, and I'm shoving them in your face. It's like Lee Haney once told me, (mimics Lee's southern drawl) "Arnold would always hit biceps shots.

When the judges asked Arnold to hit a lat spread he'd hit one fast and get back to a biceps shot." Lee also said, "Tom Platz is stupid. If I was Tom Platz, I would stand on stage and do nothing but pose my thighs." It boggles people's minds and keeps their focus on what you want them to see! Your strong point! Your trademark!

TB: You can say all you want that you've got no synthol in there, but aren't you worried that one day you might have to get your arms amputated?

GV: Then I'd be a real freak, right?

TB: Would you be willing to go to the doctor and get this verified?

GV: Sure, if the right amount of money is put up. I'm not talking a thousand dollars either. Let's put up some money and then I'll do it. I have a hole in my right arm from a steroid abscess. An emergency room doctor went to lance it and he cut half the muscle with his scalpel. Dr. Nadler said I have a lot of scar tissue in there and the only way to repair it is to sort of spackle it with a plug. He's going to open me up and plug the hole. Muscular Development is going to cover it all.

TB: What if he opens you up and oil spills out everywhere?

GV: That ain't going to happen. Nadler has felt my arms. He knows they're real. Yes, they got some scar tissue. But that's it. I don't care who believes me. Why don't people say shit about the pros who are on stage? I'm not competing. Why am I such a threat? Isn't the pro onstage using synthol, escline, blood doping, doing all kinds of shit, aren't they the ones people should be going after? You got all kinds of shit going on on that pro stage: guys got implants in their calves and pecs.

They get their abs etched out through fat suction, yet you fools talk shit about me! They are competing! I ain't. They are cheating. I'm just living my life, chasin' bush. I know pros who got pec lifts for Christ's sake. I got fat nuts in my ball sack.

TB: I don't really understand what your balls have to do with any of the rest of that, but... You've got big arms. How much can you curl?

GV: Nobody is going to believe this. But in my day, and this is way before I took steroids, I cheat curled three hundred. I used to train heavy. I've benched over five hundred. One time, on a decline bench, I dropped five hundred and fifty pounds. It bounced off my chest and rolled on my head. I actually had a huge welt and the whole side of my head was black and blue.

TB: On one of the Internet chat rooms they said you like to bang trannies.

GV: Let me be honest with you. I'm a freak. I'm not gay. I don't find men attractive. Men repulse me. I'd throw up on a man.

TB: You're into throwing up on people? Those are called Roman showers, right?

GV: Ball buster. When people think tranny they think Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie in a wig. That's a transvestite. A transsexual is a person who might have been born in a man's body, realized they were female inside and had the sexual reassignment surgery to allow them to fulfill their nature.

TB: Why didn't I learn about this in health class?

GV: They should have taught you because let me tell you something. When you go to a big club in New York City, when you go to the Sound Factory, there's all these hot women. You see all these bodybuilders hooking up with these hot women and you know what? Some of these hot women are transsexuals. They've got tits. They've got vag. They live as a woman. You can't even tell. And if that's the case, and she's blowing me, I'm gonna let her blow me. I'm not gonna check her DNA.

TB: I hear you're banging Lil' Kim.

GV: Yo, Little Kim is my friend. Let's leave it at that. Lil' Kim looks like Aaron Baker with a wig on her head. You know I'm only kiddin', Kim. I meet a lot of women in New York City, I hang out with a lot of celebrity women in NYC, and what really eats guys like you is that they dig me.

TB: Maybe if I was Eddie Murphy I'd be jealous. I hear he likes chicks with dicks.

GV: You know, maybe because I'm not homophobic or maybe because I don't feel the need to put down other people and their lifestyles people get the wrong idea about me. I never said I bang trannies. But I could introduce you to a couple if you're interested.

TB: (speechless)

GV: I'm open about the tranny thing but people don't realize the amount of tail I get, and I'm talking 100% grade-A female. Trannies aren't my holy grail. I love a Latin pig. I really do love Latin women. I'm in strip clubs all the time checking them out. Do you have any idea how many porn stars I've nailed?

TB: Me too.

GV: You've nailed porn stars? I'm not talking about popping a porn in the VCR and jerking off. That doesn't count.

TB: Oh, well, then let me revise that. Hmm, how many porn stars have I banged? (thinks) None.

GV: That's what I thought. Let me tell you a story. Me and Tommy Tucker (Shown to right with me in 1983) - he's a childhood friend of mine - used to hang out at a place called the Harmony Burlesque. They had strippers and porn stars appearing there. I met a porn star and her name was Jeanie Silver. They used to call her Long Jean Silver, like the pirate Long John Silver? See, she only had one leg. One leg was a regular leg and the other leg was a prosthesis.

TB: Was she hot?

GV: Yeah, she was very hot. She actually looked a lot like Susanne Summers, blonde, which really isn't my type but back then I liked her. She used to pal around with another porno star named Sue Nero. Sue was kind of chubby. Tommy used to f**k around with Sue Nero and I used to f**k around with Jeanie. That was my first experience with a porno star. I also used to bang Nellie Gold. Her real name was Debbie Horowitz. Her uncle used to own Plato's Retreat.

TB: Wait, go back to Long Jean Silver. When you guys were in bed would she have the leg on or off?

GV: She'd have it off. I didn't give a f**k. I used to kiss it and caress it. She always wanted to stick it up my can but I never let her. She did a photo spread once where she f**ked a guy with her stump. I was afraid of it back then.

TB: Enquiring minds want to know: what's going on with you and Kim Klein?

GV: I have a love affair with her ass pipe. I want to lick it like a carvel cone. I love her. She's a sweetheart. There's really nothing going on between us. I'm good friends with her and her husband, Rob Klein.

TB: If you were gay, who would you bang first: Tom Prince or Bob Cicherillo?

GV: I haven't, but I think I would. I think Cicherillo is such a bitch. He's said some nasty things about me to a mutual friend. He doesn't like me. He judges me on how I look and the rumors he hears about me. I guess he doesn't like me. I would definitely f**k Tom Prince because I know he would like that. He would enjoy it. Who am I to deprive him of a little bit of pleasure?

TB: So you were a drug dealer once. What'd you do, move a couple bottles of test once or twice?

GV: (laughs) A couple bottles. I moved units, son. I was definitely a drug dealer. I wasn't small potatoes. I controlled a lot of things. That part of my life is gone now. I'm a different person since then, but I gotta tell you something … I've been through a lot of shit.

TB: What's the craziest thing you've seen as a drug dealer?

GV: I've seen people shot. The craziest thing that happened to me is I've almost been executed a couple of times.

TB: Holy shit. What happened?

GV: This guy my partner and I dealt with fronted us about forty thousand dollars worth of shit. To make a long story short another guy that me and my partner trusted robbed us. Actually robbed my partner's house when my partner wasn't home.

TB: Did these people have names?

GV: Yeah, asshole, but look, that ain't the issue here. Anyway, me and my partner go and meet the guy who loaned us the stuff and the guy flipped out. He drove us to this parking lot near Yankee Stadium and forced us out of the car at gunpoint. This guy was a nut, a real loose cannon, a made-to-do man if you know what I mean. Before you know it, I'm on my knees with my hands behind my head in a parking lot near Yankee Stadium. He was going to kill us.

TB: What happened?

GV: Another wise guy was there and bailed us out. He vouched for us and assumed our debt. This kind of appeased our supplier and he let us walk away from there. Within a week we had recouped from street sales and paid back the wise guy who saved our asses.

TB: Sounds like you were going to go out like a punk. Why didn't you try and fight?

GV: Look, I'm on probation. You want to hear crazy stories of me f**king people up… I gotta watch what I say. Wait for the book. But back to your question: there was no fighting. If you had made a wrong move, if you had twitched, that sick f**k would have shot ya. It's not about going out with a blaze of glory.

People watch Scarface and say, "Look at that!" But let me tell you something, when they caught Pablo Escobar he was hiding. There's a big difference between Hollywood and real life. You don't try and stand there and duke it out with someone who has a gun and that gun is trained on you and the guy holding it is waiting for an excuse to drop a couple on you. That wasn't the last time I had a gun pointed at me either.

TB: Give me another example.

GV: This story involves Julissa.

TB: Julissa is your late girlfriend?

GV: Yeah. The love of my life.

TB: The one Tom Prince and others talk shit about?

GV: Talking shit is exactly right because they didn't know shit about Julissa. Let me tell you, that girl had heart! Listen to this. Julissa and I drive into Washington Heights in New York City. For people who don't know, that's a real shitty neighborhood during the time we're talking here, the late 90s. A friend of a friend was hooking me up with a couple of guys for a drug deal. We get to this three family type of house and Julissa and I are arguing.

She wants to go in with me. I told her to stay in the car. Wait the f**k outside. I'm just getting a box of shit. I got a lot of money on me. She doesn't want to wait outside and is giving me a hard time and finally I'm just like, "Sit in the f**king car." Now she knows I keep an extra cannon in the glove compartment.

I go into the house and it's a first floor apartment. I've got my jacket on and I've got a piece in my pocket and I'm holding the piece in my pocket because I don't know what I'm walking into here. There's a guy in the apartment and he welcomes me and is all smiley and shit and I should have thought something was up when I saw there was only one guy. But I was familiar with the neighborhood and like I said, these guys were recommended to me by a friend of a friend.

So I let my guard down and I take my hand out of my pocket and as soon as that happens this f**king guy bursts out of a closet with a shotgun leveled at my chest. I'm like, "Oh, shit." The other guy, the smiley motherf**ker, he draws a pistol, frisks me, takes my pistol and my money.

TB: How much did you have on you?

GV: About ten large.

TB: Damn.

GV: Yeah. The guy with the pistol is talking to the guy with the shotgun in Spanish and I don't understand a word they're saying. The guy with the pistol, in English, tells me to get on my f**king knees. "Look, just take the money and..." I try and reason with him but he gives a nod to the guy with the shotgun and that motherf**ker wacks the shotgun off my head. He clipped me three times. Three times it took that motherf**ker to drive me down onto my knees. But down I go, kneeling there with f**king blood all over my head, face and shoulders. I look like a real mess and I realize that whatever the f**k is coming next, it ain't going to be good.

TB: They were going to kill you.

GV: Maybe. Maybe they just wanted to rob me. They didn't know me. I didn't know what the f**k was going to happen. My head was spinning, my blood was all over the place. They're talking to each other and laughing, menacing me with their guns. The smiley guy counts the f**king money I had on me and he looked happy. They start laughing, the both of them, but the stupid motherf**kers never thought to post a look out. So what happens next...

TB: Julissa.

GV: Bingo. All of a sudden, you just hear this loud female Spanish voice screaming in rage. The two have their backs to the voice and they freeze. They look at each other. I know its Julissa and I know they're considering turning and trying to blast her. But she didn't wait. Bang! Julissa shot the guy with the pistol right in the ass. He screamed and fell, dropping his pistol. The guy with the shotgun looked like he was going to shit his pants. Julissa came up behind him and put her gun - the hand cannon I kept in the glove compartment - up against the back of the guy's head. He drops the shotgun.

I get up and Julissa is torn between running to me and covering the two assholes. I told her I'm okay. "Gregg, look at yourself. Oh Christ," and she starts going off in Spanish, upset about me and pissed at the two assholes. I take the guns and the money from the pistol guy, and I tell Julissa we gotta go. "Gregg," she says, "Do you know what these guys were going to do to you?" See, Julissa had been waiting outside the apartment in the hall and she heard this shit going down.

TB: Julissa was a latina?

GV: At that point I just wanted to get out of there. So I'm like, "Julissa, let's go," but she don't want to go! She wants to stay and f**k with these guys. Julissa orders the guy on the floor back to his feet and he staggers up. Her shot hit him in the ass and took most of one buttock off. It was nasty.

TB: How could you tell? Didn't he have pants on?

GV: Well, what happened is Julissa ordered them both in Spanish to drop their pants and they did. Neither one of the motherf**kers were wearing drawers either. You should have seen that guy's ass. He's lucky the bullet didn't blow out his pelvis. It looked like it tore out the side of his ass. So Julissa starts taunting them in Spanish and English: "Look at you! Look at you! Typical Dominicans, big dicks and no f**king brains." I walked up to the guy who hit me in the head and he's scared. You could tell he thought he was going to die.

I patted him on the face a couple of times, "What's the matter? You okay?" and then - wham! - I hit him with everything I had right in his face. Down he goes. "Get up." He gets up. Wham! Again, he goes down. This time he doesn't want to get up. "He doesn't want to get up, Julissa," I say. She screams something in Spanish and the dude wobbles, but he gets up. Wham! One more time, and this time he's either unconscious or he's faking it because the motherf**ker wasn't stirring. So Julissa and I leave that place, and as we get in the car I'm just glad to be alive and I'm so glad I had my baby to watch my back.

TB: Weren't you guys afraid they'd come after you in the street? You know, as soon as you left the apartment? That they'd grab guns and scrambled after you?

GV: Nah. We took their pants.

TB: If that's a true story, that is f**king insane.

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PART II

GV: True? Look man, you have no idea. And there's more to it than that. I gave you the shortened version. You're gonna have to wait for the book. I can't emphasize enough that I was a different person back then. That's why I'm so thankful to the people who have made the change possible. Like Blechman. Truth be told, being arrested changed my life. I might have wound up dead. Still, I kind of want to watch what I say.

TB: What friggin book do you keep talking about?

GV: There's a guy working with me. A professional writer in NYC. We're doing a book.

TB: About your arms?

GV: No. About my past life. About what I went through.

TB: About bodybuilding?

GV: Bodybuilding plays a part, but it's not a book for bodybuilders per se. When I say I was a different person back then, you need to understand that I was what some might call an evil man. I was involved in some really bad shit. You'll have to read about it after the lawyers vet it and we make sure it isn't going to land me in any hot water with anyone.

TB: Is it going to be better than Flex Wheeler's book?

GV: What's the matter with Flex's book?

TB: Well, he never talks about being high jacked by the Ninjas on his way to the Olympia.

GV: Trust me. It's all in my book.

TB: Okay, so you were a big bad drug dealer and a bodybuilder. Are a lot of bodybuilders involved in the drug trade?

GV: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. The drug and sex trade. There ain't a pro bodybuilder on this planet that isn't going to convince me he never sold roids. There's no money in the sport. Anytime a guy can get shit, people flock to him. When I was selling roids, I had pros calling me up all the time. I'll tell you who I used to deal with. [Gregg names several top male and female pros who, for obvious reasons, can't be named here].

TB: Holy shit.

GV: Yeah man. And you know what? These guys would hound me for shit. And they all wanted it for next to nothing. Nobody ever wanted to pay for anything. Pro bodybuilders are the worst to deal with because they think, since they're pro, they don't have to pay for shit. I'd say to 'em, f**k you, you makin' coins, you should pay more!

TB: They sell ass too? Did you sell your ass?

GV: Hell no! But let me tell you something, pick up any gay magazine here in New York and look in the back. You'll find bodybuilders. Some you probably know. Look, some guys will hand you three hundred dollars for letting them look at you nude posing, or if you bend over, spread your cheeks and just show them your asshole. These guys beat off, blow their loads, and that's it: you're three to five hundred dollars ahead of the game, depending on how good a pro you are.

Bodybuilders don't want to work and it's an easy way to make money. How many of them hold down full time jobs? Think about it. And don't give me no personal training bullshit either. F**k that shit. You say that shit to cover the money you're putting in your account.

TB: You got busted by the cops for dealing?

GV: Yes I did. On April 17, 2001. To be honest with you, it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I was on a downward spiral. I had lost touch with reality. To give you an idea, I had a gym which I lost because I didn't pay attention to it because of all the money I was bringing in from the roids. I had a wife and family that I lost. The bust was the turning point in my life that gave me a second chance.

TB: You were able to walk away from the drug scene, but some guys say you rolled away from jail.

GV: That's bullshit. Again, guys talking about things they don't know. It's true I didn't get any time in prison, besides the time I spent there when I was first arrested and they wouldn't give me bail. But I got five years probation. Look, the guys I was in with are still in operation. If I had talked they wouldn't be. If I had talked people would be behind bars because of me.

TB: You say you didn't rat, but you didn't do any time behind bars. How's that possible?

GV: The guys who do the time are the guys who get caught dealing not just roids, but the harder drugs: cocaine, K, X. Look, you have pros and amateurs now who have been busted, are out on probation and still compete.

TB: You also have pros and amateurs who were busted, ratted and are competing.

GV: You do, but I'm not one of them. I only moved roids. I never ratted on nobody. The guys I was in with are still at it today.

TB: Didn't you ever think of getting a real job? You know, like firefighter, businessman, teacher?

GV: I've had real jobs.

TB: Like what? Besides owning gyms?

GV: Well, for instance, and this is something a lot of people don't know, I used to drive a school bus.

TB: They let you near children?

GV: They were retarded children.

TB: Like that makes it better.

GV: This is one of Bob Bonham's favorite stories. These kids were great. One time I was driving them home and I had to take a shit.

TB: Oh boy, here we go…

GV: Back then I was bulking up. I didn't know about roids so I'd eat a lot of food. I created something I called a cake shake.

TB: A cake shake?

GV: A cake shake. I'd take heavy cream and put it in an industrial blender. I'd throw sugar, protein powder and three to five whole eggs in there. On top of that I'd take a big f**king huge layered slice of Country Epicure - a three layer chocolate cake - and I'd mix that in a blender and I'd drink it. That's about six thousand calories in that one shake alone.

TB: (laughs)

GV: You think I'm kidding ya? I was throwing bananas in there, yogurt. One time I threw a f**king whole cooked chicken in it. So think about the nuclear explosions that were going on inside me from that shit.

TB: You're crazy!GV: But let me show you how good that worked: in one month I gained a pound a day. I gained thirty pounds in one month.

TB: Yeah, but you must have been a fat bastard.

GV: I was more like a fat f**k. Anyway, these things would tear my stomach up. One day I downed one of those before I had to drive my school bus. And as I was sitting there driving it hit me and I knew I had to go or I would shit the seat of the bus. But thank God I drove retarded kids. They were special handicapped kids. They weren't aware of what was going on; they would just sit there with their heads bobbing back and forth.



So this one time I pulled the bus over on the side of the road. I ran in the back of the bus and I put newspaper on the floor. I kept watching them as I blasted away onto the newspaper. They had no idea what was going on. They were just nodding their heads back and forth. I took the paper, threw it out the window, and went back to driving the kids home.

TB: Couldn't you have just found a rest stop or something?

GV: I never would have made it. Look, let me tell you something. I have a ten second window. Either I shit or that's it. A year ago I was on vacation with my two children. We were at a smorgasbord when a shit bubble hit me. I told my kids to wait for me outside the bathroom in the parking lot. It was a race: what was going to happen? Either I was going to shit my pants or I was going to make it to the bowl.

So I get into a stall, and I'm wiggling back and forth doing a shit dance trying to get my pants off. I kind of bent over and it happened-I blasted! But I totally missed the toilet and I shit all over the feet of the guy in the stall next to me. He was an old man. I heard him scream, "Ahhhh!" and he punched the side of the stall. Boom! I said, "Jesus Christ, I'm sorry." It was like mud, diarrhea pudding. He jumped up out of the booth and was cursing me, "You son of a bitch!".

When I went outside my kids were like, "Dad, did you do something? A guy came running out of the bathroom cursing with no shoes or socks on." He had thrown his shoes and socks in the garbage. I told my son, Paul, "You're not going to believe it, I shit all over that guy's feet."

TB: So you're friends with the owner of the East Coast Mecca, Strong and Shapely's Bob Bonham?

GV: Bob is my boy! Bob showed up when I was arrested with seventy-five grand cash to try and bail me out.

TB: Do you and Bob ever run a train on one of those pigs you guys meet in the clubs? You know, a little DP acton?

GV: You mean like one in the pink and one in the stink?

TB: Yeah.

GV: Hey, I love Bob, but not in that way. When two guys are rubbing balls together, that's too gay for me, even if they're rubbing balls in some babe. Why do you ask me that? Why don't you ask Chick and Tom that?

TB: Just checking. Did Marky Mark, Mike Tyson and Twisted Sister all really kick your ass?

GV: I never had a fight with Mike Tyson. We are friends now. Bonham and I had a beef with Tyson's friends and when the brawl broke out at the market diner Tyson ended it real quick. Dude, I ain't stupid. Tyson would have made me his bitch. But we settled everything and Tyson bought Bonham and I dinner. Iron Mike is a good guy, he just has issues.

The twisted sister thing was a long, long time ago. It was over an old girlfriend of mine. She cheated on me with Mark The Animal, Twisted Sister's bass player. When I jumped him to fight him, I had him on the ground punching his face in, and then Dee Synder jumped on me and went crazy! It was a melee and I ultimately got an ass beating.

TB: What's the deal with Marky Mark?

GV: My partner Paul and I were at this nightclub. Marky Mark and his crew were there too. Marky Mark starts making all these comments about me and Paul, "juice heads," "Mr. Steroid," all that shit. So we had an argument - what the f**k? Am I supposed to be intimidated by some white boy who had a group called the Funky Bunch? We had an argument and fists flew. I took his ass to the floor and his posse were all over me. Paul jumps in but Marky Mark's boys are all over us. Still, I got in a few good shots.

TB: On Marky Mark?

GV: I like to think so. It was dark and chaotic and I was just throwing fists. I hit some people. I also took a lot of shots. The bouncers came over and threw me and Paul out. Marky Mark was a punk. When I was being pulled away from him, he was trying to kick me in the head. They weren't even good kicks. No Jet Li kicks, but kicks like my little daughter would throw. Scratch that. My daughter kicks better. She's tough.

TB: I heard Howard Stern tried to set up a rematch.

GV: Marky Mark was visiting the Howard Stern show. I had been on Howard's show already. Howard had his people call me and put me on hold. The idea was that I would talk to Marky Mark when he was in the studio. Challenge him to a fight on the radio in front of millions of listeners. Marky Mark showed up late and could only spend like twenty minutes on the show, and he spent that time promoting The Italian Job. I waited on hold but I never got my chance. Maybe one day.

TB: Well, this interview has been nothing but enlightening and eye opening. You seem like a guy with a million stories, all of them more outrageous than the next.

GV: I am and they are. Read my column. Keep an eye open for the book. As much as some people in the bodybuilding community are going to hate to hear this, I ain't going anywhere! The next wave of Gregg Valentino insanity hasn't even started to crest! Watch for me!

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PART III

Gregg Valentino is in a good mood. Gregg Valentino is always in a good mood. "What contains an Oak and two assholes in it?" Gregg asks me. "I don't know, what?" "A picture of Arnold with Lou and Franco in it." Ouch! Gregg has his share of haters amongst professional bodybuilders and internet bulletin board posters (posers?). But attend any pro show where Gregg mans the Muscular Development booth, and you'll see a throng surrounding the Rambling Freak.

Like an onion, Gregg Valentino is a man with many layers. With another spread in FHM due out any minute, an upcoming appearance in a Kid Rock Video, an article featuring him in Men's Fitness to be published in the near future, and a tell-all biography being written as he pounds out his latest Rambling Freak column for Boss Blechman, Valentino is a man with many irons in the fire. When I interviewed him for GetBig.com, he was in a lighthearted mood.

TB: We did an interview on Bodybuilding.com and there was a lot of response to it on the GetBig.com bulletin boards. A surprising number of the posts were positive, but there were the inevitable haters. Is it true what the haters are saying, Gregg, that you sell synthol on your web site?


The haters are right. I do sell synthol on my web site. I sell it for a specific reason: people are constantly asking me about synthol, so why shouldn't I make money off of it? When I was a drug dealer, I used to sell deca too, but I never used deca. I hated deca. I happened to like equipoise. Just because I sold deca doesn't mean I used it; and just because I sell synthol, that doesn't mean I use it.
TB: Obviously the thing people harp on about you are the arms and the whole synthol thing.


I understand where the haters are coming from. I really do. You fear what you don't know, what you don't understand. Stick people in a dark room and they're scared, turn on the light and they're no longer scared. Some people don't understand me. They think I'm this guy with this monster ego, but I'm not. I never claimed to be better than anyone just because my arms are bigger than everyone's. I don't hate any of the haters back. If I saw me too I'd feel the same way.
TB: Gregg, you say you don't put synthol in your arms. But what did you put in those arms?


Believe it or not, I trained 23 years without taking anything and got my arms up to twenty-one inches. I started injecting vitamin B-12 into my biceps. That s*** used to burn like you would not believe. My partner Paul used to break my balls, "You should just do a cycle. F*** that vitamin s***."
The first steroid I ever took was Anabolex. Enthanate was the first injection I ever used. I injected in my shoulders. I enjoyed the pump I would get. Even the B-12 used to give me a pump in my biceps. So I thought, "Let me see what it would be like if I stuck the juice in my arms." So I injected my arms; but I also always moved my shots around. My arms and shoulders just responded best.

But I was a d*** about it. I'd drop needles on the floor, blow on them, and stick myself. I'd reuse needles. Don't ask me why. I was dealin'. I had thousands of needles floatin' around. It was just laziness. That's how I developed the abscesses.

TB: About a year back someone posted a picture of your arm with a huge hole in it on GetBig. Where did they get that and what the hell was wrong with that arm, bro?

I took that picture. They got that picture from my web site. I wasn't hiding anything.

TB: But what was up with that diseased looking limb?

That abscess in my right arm was so bad that I was squirting brown puss out of my arm. I was shooting enough to cause puddles. I could squeeze my arm and the goop would shoot out - literally - six feet. It used to make people sick. Bob Bonham has a videotape he shows everybody at Strong and Shapely of me filling a quart jar with puss and blood from my right arm.
TB: Were you walking around with fevers when you had that abscess?


Oh yeah, but I knew what to do. You bang down the Tylenol and Advil mixed together. You pop some dura-cef [antibiotics]. And you drain it.
TB: Gregg, let's be real here: do you get a lot of ass [women] because of your arms?


Abso-f****in'-lutey not. I have short man complex. I have a Napoleon complex. Thank god I have a big dick, otherwise I'd be really f***ed. Look at me: I'm bald, I have two different colored eyes, I have a big nose, I'm short and squatty. But I get ass because I've got narrow hips, a big f***in' wang, and an ability to bulls*** with anybody. Girls are usually repulsed by me. They look at me like, "That's ri-god damned-diculous!"
I'm a guy magnet. I attract stalkers. I walk through a nightclub and guys push their girlfriends aside to get to me and say, "Oh man, you've got big friggin' arms!" Being short, all I do is smell everybody's breath in the clubs. It's horrible.

TB: You've got the guys who hate on you because they misunderstand you - after all, you're not competing, you're not trying to take the bread off anyone's table. But then you got the guys who I suspect hate on you because they're jealous of you. For example, there were no posts about our last interview on Musclemayhem, or, if there were, they were censored and removed as soon as they appeared, which wouldn't be unusual.


I don't really follow the web-site scene. I'm not big on these chat rooms or bulletin boards. First of all, I'm a computer illiterate. I have a hard time typing up my own column much less navigating all the web sites. But I must say this. Of what I know, Ron at Getbig has always shown me props, whereas MuscleMayhem is a dictator. If you ask the questions they don't want you to ask, they delete those posts. You don't see Ron doing that.
TB: No, you don't. It doesn't help your cause that Tom Prince moderates the boards over at Mayhem.


(scoffs) Tom Prince. My secret admirer. Here's a joke for you: what do K-Mart and Tom Prince have in common?

TB: I don't know, what?


GV: They both have boys' underwear half-off. (laughs). I don't hate Tom Prince. He hates me. I don't hate anybody.

TB: I hear your boy Victor Martinez is in hot water.

GV: Victor and I have been friends for a long time. What happened to him has happened to many, many, many professional bodybuilders. You just don't hear about it. You heard about Vic because he's hot: he won the Night of Champions; he was a favorite going into the 2004 Arnold Classic. Vic and I have been tight for years. We were laughing together at the Olympia Expo. Ten years ago we were two mo-mo's bodybuilding. Who'd have thought, ten years ago, that we'd be working for the best bodybuilding magazine together?

TB: MD is the best bodybuilding magazine on the market right now. I say that as a fan and as a guy who subscribes to all four major magazines. And, no, I do not write for MD (although I'd love to).

GV: I know I've talked about this before, but I can't say enough about Steve Blechman and how he's helped me. The man has pulled me, personally, out of the gutter. He gave Victor opportunities that nobody else came offering. He gave Dexter Jackson a column and a cover. Dexter's been a world-class bodybuilder for years now, and no magazines have put him on the cover before Muscular Development. I mean, this guy is potentially the next big thing in bodybuilding after Ronnie Coleman. Look at Dexter now. He won the GNC! (Right: Dexter at the 2003 Olympia.

TB: I never hear anybody say anything bad about Blechman.

GV: Steve is a great guy. Steve has done a lot for me. He's like the wise old uncle that is your favorite relative when you're a kid. There were these little groupie bitches following me and Victor around out in Vegas [at the Olympia]. These women sat at the table where we were eating with Blechman. Steve thought they were with us. He bought us all dinner, the pigs included! And these bitches were eatin' eighty-dollar dinners. Steve is just a generous guy.
Steve treats me with respect; he treats me as a fellow human being who matters and not like some sideshow oddity. Steve asks me what my opinions are on things. I told him a long time ago, that I didn't like having the women on the cover of the magazine. We debated this back and forth. Look at MD now: pro bodybuilders on the cover. Steve just took on Mat Duvall. Mat's going to be on the next cover of MD. And, by the way, I got a great story about Shawn Ray coming up, so you GetBig guys better read it!

TB: Is the stuff you write about every month in Muscular Development for real? I saw your marriage proposal to Brandy Dahl.


GV: When I worked with Brandy at the Olympia Expo, we were joking around. Nasty talk back and forth. She said to me, "Would you let me do anything to you?" I said, "I'd let you f***in strap on a dildo and crack me in the ass if you wanted." She said, "I'd do that, but you'd have to clean your ass out with an enema first." I said, "No problem," reached into my bag and pulled the enema I keep with me out.

I got problems with my s***. So I squirt water up my ass before I work the expo, that way I'm not running out of the MD booth to hit the s***ter. Brandy and Christina Lindley were laughing their asses off. They're both real sweethearts with jammin' bodies. Ron Avidan was there taking pictures when I was burying my face in ass.

TB: What else happened at the Expo?

GV: You know who had the audacity to give me dirty looks was that guy Brad Hillaburgh. This guy was looking at me like, "Oh, please, look at him!" You know, I don't compete, so I don't consider myself a threat to the pros. But you could see with Brad that his biceps came to points.

Let's not pull no punches here. This guy steps on stage looking like that. I'm not accusin' him of doin' synthol, but why is he givin' me hard looks when he's got points on his biceps? Yo, wuz up with that? The most gratifying part to the Olympia expo was Nasser El Sonbatay stopped me and asked if he could get his picture taken with me.

TB: No! How'd he look?


GV: Unbelievable. Huge. Great guy, what an unbelievable guy.

TB: Who are some of the other good guys in bodybuilding?

GV: That depends on how you define good and bad. There have been guys who have been good to me. Steve Blechman took a chance on me when a lot of people thought he was crazy for doing so. King Kamali is down with me; he buys me sodas at the clubs, he goes out of his way to hook me up with girls. He's always been very nice to me. He talks to me with respect. Craig Titus has always been very nice and respectful to me.

When I went to his Olympia after-party, people were having trouble getting in, but Craig got me and Bob Bonham right in. His wife is an absolute sweetheart to me. I always seem to get along with the guys who speak their minds or cause controversy. Mat Duvall is a really good guy. I love him and I love his girlfriend, Bethany Howlett, IFBB fitness pro. Both great people! By the way, Bethany's father played professional baseball.

TB: Who would you consider an ambassador for the sport?


GV: Lee Labrada. Vince Taylor. Tom Platz. They're stand up guys.

TB: You know, I'm sorry I busted your balls in the last interview because everyone says you're a really nice guy and I think I read you the wrong way. I hear you always stay at the expo booth and even give away photos to kids.


GV: You're not going to find guys who really know me sayin', "Yo, that guy Valentino really f***ed me over." When it comes to people like the fans - I don't like the word fan. Fan is a dirty word to me. I like the word supporters better. I'll tell you what. They used to say that George Steinbrenner is a bleacher seat fan with the rights to the Yankee clubhouse. That's the way I am. I'm like a bleacher seat supporter but with my column I have a sounding board.
I'm also a dad and I have a soft spot for kids. I remember being a kid asking Ed Corney for an autograph and he barked at me, "Arnold would charge you five dollars for one!" All I was asking him to do was sign a program. When young kids come up to me, I try to give them something - I bring a big bucket of candy with me. When supporters want to take a picture with me and they have a digital camera, I let them take two or three shots until they get one they're satisfied with.

I had a kid come up to me. He looked fifteen, sixteen. He had paid me for an 8 X 10. He was with his father. They put their money on the table and I wasn't sure who the money was coming from, the father or the kid. They took the photo and left. Later on it was haunting me. I didn't know who put that money on the table. If it was the father that's one thing, he's a workingman and I'm a workingman. I shoulda asked the kid. If it was his money I would have given it back to him. I don't want a kid's money.

TB: Fifteen or sixteen isn't a kid.

GV: To me it is. I remember when I was a kid. I can't believe anybody would look up to me. I tell people at these events, please don't look up to me as a role model. I am far from a role model. I appreciate that people support me. I just want to make sure that I give back. I never, ever snap at anybody.
I take the time to talk to the people. Bob Bonham hates going to the clubs with me because when guys stop me to talk, I stop and talk to them. If they think enough of me to stop me and show me some respect, I'm gonna show them some respect too. But when you're trying to exit a club with Bob and some Latin pigs in tow, the flesh pressin' can be a pain in the ass to the people you're with.

TB: I hear Lou Ferrigno isn't so nice.

GV: There are plain-old leaping assholes in bodybuilding and Lou is one of them. Lou Ferrigno is known to be a scumbag. Young kids can come up to him at a show - ten year olds - and when they ask him to sign a piece of paper he'll tell them, "Twenty dollars." If you see him at a show and ask him if you can take a picture with him, he'll demand twenty dollars. He's charged kids in the single-digit age, eight or nine, for a picture.

The way I look at it is this: okay, Lou Ferrigno, you have a right to make a living, but you're a millionaire. You're a millionaire. So when a kid asks you to sign a magazine or a pair of lifting straps and you're gonna try and hit 'em for twenty dollars, I'm sorry, but in my book, you're a piece of shit.

TB: Who are some of the other assholes in the sport?

GV: Flex Wheeler is a cocksucker to people. We don't really talk to each other. I don't know if he would even talk to me.

TB: He supposedly found God now?

GV: He found God, right. Believe me. All of a sudden he found God?

TB: A lot of people might jump down your throat for saying that because of his health issues.

GV: Let me get this straight: I wish Flex Wheeler nothing but good health and a long life with his family. What I'm talking about here is his personality and approachability by fans. By the way, what would you call Flex Wheeler in drag?

TB: I don't know, what?

GV: Lenda Murray (laughs). Did you ever notice they look alike? Put a wig in Flex, you've got Linda. They could be brother and sister. They even have similar physiques. Franco Columbo is also known to be a dick.

TB: What do you have against Franco?

GV: I was at the very, very first Arnold Classic with my wife, Bob Bonham and a group of people.

TB: This was the Arnold Classic Rich Gaspari won?

GV: Yeah. Columbo was there with his then-wife, Anita. And he'd be hitting on girls left and right. I went into the bathroom and when I came back out into the hallway he was hitting on my wife. My ex-wife was a very shy girl. She didn't talk much, she just stood there. I walked up to him and was like, "Hey, Franco, how you doin'?" He basically dismissed me and told me to get lost. He kept kickin' it to her.

I said, "Not for nothin', but this is my wife you're talkin' to." He pretty much told me to get lost again. She was trying to walk away but he kind of had her cornered and wouldn't let her get anywhere. I stepped in between him and her. I said to him, "Yo, dude, I told you: this is my wife. You can see she's not interested in you." He says to me, "Who the f*** are you?"

I was going to blast him right then and there but my wife grabbed my arm. I told him, "You're a f***in' disgrace," and my wife and I left. I wasn't afraid of Franco Columbo. He's a lot smaller than me. I woulda kicked his f***in' ass. He's known to be a dick.

TB: I heard you almost got it on with Mike Matarazzo.

GV: Hah! (laughs) Mike is another one of my buddies. I did a charity event in Jersey one year, driving Mike, Lenda Murray, and Kevin Levrone around. I like Matarazzo. He's a stand up guy who speaks his mind. We got into an argument in the car about the Howard Stern show. He told me he was watching the Stern show and that it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen. Howard had a rubber prop on his head and was acting like, "Naow I knawh that I'm wetarded."
TB: I think he was cutting on Gary Busy in that skit, making fun of Gary's motorcycle crash.


Matarazzo thought it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen. I said, "Yo, I think it's funnier when Howard has the lesbians on and they play Lesbian dial-a-date." Mike says to me, "Well, I don't see what's so funny about that. Supposin' your sister was a lesbian, would you laugh?" So I said, "I don't see what's so f***in' funny about makin' fun of a guy who's a paraplegic in a wheelchair. If you had a brother who was hit by a car and was a paraplegic, would you be pissed off?" We started arguing about the show.

He was telling me, "You don't know what the f*** you're talkin' about" and we were goin' back and forth. I wasn't payin' attention to the road and I was going into the oncoming traffic lane and they were like, "Dude, watch the road!" Ask anyone, I'm not the best driver. I'm one of those buddies that really has to pay attention to the road.

TB: You're friends with Titus, Kamali and Victor Martinez. Those guys don't get along. Does that ever put you in a weird situation?

GV: No. I'm around Victor a lot. I've known him for a long time. We go to dinner at [NPC Middleweight competitor] Carlo Filippone's restaurant Angelo's in Fairview, New Jersey. I don't hang out with Kamali and Titus. If I see them at a club, I'm cool with them, and they're cool with me. As far as what they feel for each other, I don't get involved with that. That's their beef, not my beef.

TB: Who greases your weaser?

GV: Maya and Jessica Alba. It's a dead heat tie. Now we're talking. If I had to pick one I'd probably go with Maya. She's got that slutty-slash-ghetto flava' and reminds me of my Julissa. I like a little bit of a beak [nose]on a girl.

TB: Let's keep with the theme and start with a s*** story.

GV: Me and my partner Paul had a friend in Brooklyn named Angelo. This guy was rich! Rich as a motherf***er. Paul and me were building our gym and Angelo had all this Nautilus equipment in his home gym that he was gonna let us have. Angelo gave us the keys to the house and told us to go in the basement, get the equipment, and leave through the garage. So Paul goes there with me and Paul is a rotten foul motherf***er.

TB: What do you mean?

He s***s really bad. He s*** in a bar one time when we were bouncing at Studs. It [the odor] went must have been fifty feet through a closed door. The bartenders were like, "What the f*** is that?" The D.J. shut down the D.J. booth. I never smelled someone who smells that bad.

So Paul takes a s*** in this guy Angelo's bathroom and the whole house stunk. He's fartin' in there, the house reeks. We're pulling the equipment out. As we work I feel a s*** comin' on for me. Paul is rushin' me, "Come on, come on, come on." We're leavin' and I gotta go really bad. We had left the keys in the house like Angelo instructed us so I couldn't get back into the house to use the bathroom.

But the garage was open. So I take some newspaper and I go in the garage. I close the door, spread the paper on the floor and I'm takin' a s***. Paul is outside beeping the horn rushing me. There I am bent over, wiping my ass. The garage door opens-it's Angelo with his wife and kids. He had an electric garage door opener. I thought it was Paul beeping to break my balls to hurry up. He was beeping to let me know the guy was home. Angelo caught me shitting on his garage floor. It was the most embarrassing thing, to turn around and see those kids with their heads in the car and they're looking at me. Their jaws dropped and I'm there bare ass with my newspaper.

I was embarrassed as f***. The wife goes in the house with the kids and the kids come running right back out, "Oh my God! The house!" The wife has to open all the windows. Paul is talking to Angelo, trying to calm him down, and Paul is blaming the s*** I took in the garage for his s*** in the bathroom that'd stunk up the house. The wife comes outside and she's screaming, "Valentino, you're disgusting! Angelo, the f***in' house stinks!"

TB: Your boy Paul sold you out like that?

GV: Yo, listen, here's one incident that shows you the type of guy Paul is. We went to Show World. There were a bunch of prostitutes and strippers up there. Paul was dating one of them so we went up there to see Paul's girl. We didn't even want to see the show; we just wanted to see Paul's girl.
We were hanging out by the entrance inside the place, sitting on a ledge. One of the strippers was like, "You can't sit there." We were like, "f*** you." This bitch gets all crazy: "f*** you white boy motherf***ers"-she was black. Pauls like, "f*** you." All of a sudden these bouncers come out of nowhere and shit gets sticky. We're fighting them, knocking dudes out, I was pounding motherf***ers. I picked up the podium thing where the woman stands collecting money at the entrance and I threw it. It bounced off a wall of peep show doors. All these men come scrambling out trying to zipper their pants. We created a big melee.

There's a turnstile to exit and enter the place. We fought our way to it. I slipped through but Paul got stuck. As he's struggling with the bouncers to get through the turnstile, the bitch who started the whole thing comes up and - crack! - she hits him right in the eye. He freaks out, "You f***in' bitch!" and he drops her with one shot. This six-foot-four-Kobe Bryant-lookin'-tranny-stripper-pig-whore comes out of the crowd with a knife. I said, "You motherf*****!"

I picked up a full Coke can that was on a seat. I threw it. She was turned away from me because she was trying to stick Paul. The can picked up speed and hit her right where the traps are. Boom! Cops came. They shut off part of 42nd Street. You'd think a mass murderer was there. There were thirty f***ing cops there. I was married and I wasn't supposed to be there. So Paul tells the cops, "I threw the can." I said, "No-no-no, I threw the can!" Paul said, "Shut the f*** up. I threw the can." The tranny wasn't sure who threw the can. The cops arrested Paul and took him down to Midtown North Precinct. I had to go down there and get him out. He took the blame for me. Eventually the charges were dropped.

TB: Got any other bodybuilding jokes?

GV: If Mr. Potato Head was a bodybuilder, what would his name be? Dave Palumbo!

TB: (laughs) Dave gets hot chicks man. He was married to Barbara Moran. He's engaged to Colette Nelson.

GV: Dave's my brotha'. I like Dave and I love his column in MD. Here's one for you: why did Chris Cormier slap the girl on the Santa Monica pier?

TB: That's so messed up. Why?

GV: He misunderstood Flex Wheeler when Flex told him, "Let's hit the beach!"

TB: (laughs). Jeez. Didn't Chris get arrested for that?

GV: Why can't Bob Chicherillo ever get hemorrhoids? Because he's the perfect asshole. If Arnold says, "I'll be back," what would Gunter say?

TB: What?

GV: "I got no back."

TB: (laughs) That's messed up.

GV: What does Lee Priest see when he looks in the mirror? The top of his head.

TB: Anything else you want to say?

GV: Hey, read my column and keep an eye open for the book which is gonna drop! Peace dawgs!

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Now for some shots of Mr. Valentino's...errr...evolution.

Gregg at 14

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Gregg at 17

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Gregg at 26

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Last shot just prior to his genes clicking in...

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The new....(improved????) Gregg

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From the back

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From the front

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Post operative bicep shot

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Now for some more Synthol Stupidity - I belive this fellow's name is Klaus Doring.

[eric89]

stupidity at its finest.

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Scintillating!