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Ok, this might get long, but man this just kinda sucks. I didn't know if this was apporpraite to post on the main section, as I haven't told anyone yet, and I don't really know if too many people give a damn about my personal situation, but oh well, if it needs to be moved I will...
...bear with me, this might get lengthy, but for the people who I know, and who give a shit about what happens with me, well this is for you guys
And before any older guys start rolling their eyes reading the following, please give me a chance with this rant.
Gonna make a long story short. I had a scheduled check in with my back specialist (for those who are unaware, I herniated 2 discs, tore a paraspinal ligament, tor a floating rib, and cracked my sternum last year, and have been back training hard since September 2011). I went in knowing that I was not gonna like what he had to say.
Basically, we had a sit down after he evaluated me.
"Are you in pain right now?" he says.
"Nothing more than the usual. Aches, soreness, my back feels tight all the time. I can tell some stuff is flaring up again." I reply.
"Marc, you back is in complete spasm right now. Can you not feel that?"
"What? No."
"Here, do you feel this" As he prods at my back.
"No"...was my verbatum reply.
He goes on to tell me that my what basically has happened, which is what he feared would happen when I went back to attempting to laod my spine heavily again, is that I have narrowing in my spinal collumn.. causing nerve impingement.
He went into asking me all these diagnostic questions. It came up about "do you ever find your extrmemities falling asleep, when there is no reason for them to do so?"...
...my hands fall asleep whenever I lay on my side for more than 30 seconds or so. My feet go numb all the damn time. I will be squatting sometimes, and at the end of the set I have no feeling in my feet at all.
I knew right there, I was fucked, and I had to come clean and admit to myself that I have really fucked my body up. I (stupidly) have been brushing it off. MAINLY because I didn't want to think for a second that I couldn't lift heavy anymore, that I couldn't proceed to do what I do.
As we got deeper into discussion, I was diagnosed with arthritis in BOTH of my hands. I am 23 years old...this shit isn't supposed to be happening. I sought out a gastrointerologist a long while ago, because of some digestive issues I have been having for what seems like years now....well, my specialist thinks my nerves are so messed up that it's actually causing stomach issues....that's yet to be determined though.
Basically, what it comes down to is, my body is falling apart, I am waking up every day in real pain. Not soreness, but pain. But hey, I am young, strong, and healthy...I can't be broken. Must be sore. WRONG. I am WAY more messed up that I ever dreamed.
My doc tells me "You HAVE to stop doing this to yourself. If you continue, major back surgery is gonna be your only option, and I can guarantee you 2-3 full disc replacements before your 30.
What does this all mean to me in bodybuilding terms? Well, I am done. Simple. Where I am at right now, I am trying to take the next step and be competitive on a bigger stage..which means I HAVE to get bigger. To put on the weight I need to put on, I HAVE TO LIFT HEAVY. I have never grown "pumping". I need to be doing squats with 5 plates, deads with 600, inclines with 300-400 lbs. I need to be doing all this to put the size on I need...I am already 225 lbs on stage, and I CAN ALREADY put up some good weight...but I need to be bigger....so what do I do? Do I start taking massive amounts of anabolics, and train like a pussy for the sake of getting bigger, and further put my heallth at real risk by pumping myself full of hormones? NO. Fuck that, I have said from day one I never want to be one of those guys who walks around looking huge and jacked, lifts a shit ton, but is a ticking time bomb when it comes to their health. It's just not me. I have said time and time before I NEVER WANT to ever turn pro or anything even close. I just wanna take it as far as I could at the highest state of health I could. Just not cut out for it.
Me and my fiance want kids...soon actually. Well, speaking relativly. I don't wanna have a 10 year old who I can't even roll around on the ground with because my back is fucked because I stupidly was pursuing something that in the end, most don't understand, appriciate, or even care about. I have simply come to terms with the fact that's it's not worth it anymore to ME.
Beyond all that though, these past few months, as I have been gearing up for an "offseason"...I have really found myself falling out of love with the "Sport". I find myself literally HATING 95% of the community within the sport. I don't want to be associatedd with so many of the people I know in it, that it really saddens me, because I spent the better part of my life now pursuing this, day in and day out...
..alot of people don't realize I have 10 years of hard training under my belt already at 23 years old. I started lifting under the guidance of a few powerlifters, who had me programming workouts and eating to grow from day one. I have been as heavy as 270lbs, starting at 160lbs...I have paid my dues....and my body has suffered as a result. I think if I were to have gone about this endeavor in a more casual fashion, rather than striving to be the biggest motherfucker at the gym, and always striving to be stronger and stronger and stronger, I wouldn't have had these problems...
...my problem arose from basically progressing too quickly. Along with having an ego at times I am sure, and pushing for more PR'S than I SHOULD HAVE. Training hurt ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Pushing the envelope.
BOTTOM LINE: My body, my genetics, were never meant to walk around as a bodybuilder or powerlfiter...I have scrapped and clawed for everything...nothing ever came easy. My genetic blueprint for this stuff is mediocre at best...I always thought effort and doing shit the way it needed to be done day in and day out was enough to compensate...I was wrong. My body is simply not meant to throw around these kinda weights. If it were, I wouldn't have arthritis in my early 20's, and I wouldn't have the spine of a 50 year old ex-wrestler.
Here's something I wanna say to the guys who KNOW in their hearts the don't have what it takes genetically to make themselves into a elite level strength athlete:
...is it all, REALLY worth it to you? I know it used to be for me. If you noticed I haven't been around much here latley...been staying away from bodybuilding related things...I have been reflecting a lot. It sounds cheesy, but this is/was my life. I woke up thinking about my lift that day, I went to bed going over if I ate the way I needed to. All my extra money that I wasn't using for rent/school? Bodybuilding food and supps. I have sacrificed so much for so little...when I think back on it, I say "WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING TO YOURSELF?" and a little of that is bitterness towards my own situation. But a lot of that is the truth...
I am just being honest with myself here, because I have put so much of myself into this sport and lifestyle, but the reality is: Not many people have any kind of future in bodybuilding. The rewards are next to nothing, and most people think your a bonafide weirdo for doing it. Well fuck them right? Who cares what they think? Ya, I used to sya that to...but now I have begun to see the same things. I have never been one to show myself off, I have never been vain, really. I have always been appalled by that side of the game...because let's face it, if you bodybuilding, you love looking at yourself.
I now look back and think that I, had/have maybe some kind of body image disorder. And looking back on it further, I think the only reason I fell in love with BB'ing in the first place was because it was the first thing I really found (age 13-14 here) that total, absolute physical exertion, total discipline and dedication, and constant improvement were all not only needed, but are the core of it all....I like that. That's just me. I enjoy challenge. I enjoy art as well. I enjoy creating things. That's what drew me to it...it was never to "get girls" "get bigger to beat people up" or "be better at sports" or whatever else. It was simply the sheer difficulty of the task that drew me to bodybuilding...the fact that not a lot of people do it, or even understand it, is probably what made me so in love with it for so long.
As I have said, the past few months, I have basically hated going to the gym. I hated everything about it. Probably because I am in pain for days after a workout that never used to cause me trouble. But is was more likely due to me feeling frustration....
...or fuck it, maybe I just am growing up some and priorities are changing a bit? Who cares, the fact is I am done. Not taking a break, but done.
I went to a friends bodybuilding show today...I put together his diet and training scheme for him, and basically was his prep coach (I AM NOT ADVERTISING, PLEASE NO ONE THINK I AM. I AM NOT A PREP COACH!!! I WAS HELPING A FRIEND FOR FREE. THAT'S WHERE IT ENDS!) and seeing him do his first show, I remembered why I started bodybuilding...it really is a unique experience. He did well by the way, took 3rd in the open heavies, and was the biggest guy in the show....he's 18 years old, and he was IN DAMN GOOD SHAPE.
...anyway, being at the show as a spectator who was backstage the whole time, I talked to a lot of people and it just furthered my growing hate for this community/sport/lifestlye. I just had to shake my head at so many things today it was unreal. I don't think I ever want to go to a show again.
So what is next for me? Well, training is, and always will be, a part of who I am...but now the game has changed...I am getting myself back into martial arts, which is something I did from the age of 4 up until around 12 or 13 or so, (I was one degree from a testing to get my blackbelt in Shotokan karate, and had been doing Judo for a few years at the time...I really loved it). Now, I have started a new journey. I have already enrolled myself in a GREAT Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu academy. And will be pursuing it as religiously as I have bodybuiling, with the ultimate goal of becoming a competitive grappler. I have to back down off of the weights for a bit, to let my back try to normalize. But my training now is gonna be exclusively for BJJ.
So, lot's of carido. Lot's of specialized lifting. Doing things I have never trained, or done. Stuff, that will allow me to push myself to my ends, but not compromise my health anymore....
And there you have it. So, for those of you who read, thank you. I appreciate you caring about me I am still gonna be around IM as much as ever, I just am not bodybuilding any more.
If the interest is there, I will start a new training journal, dedicated to BJJ, and eventually MMA, as I know at some point I am gonna wanna get back to striking
So, does anyone on IM want to see a MMA journal? lol
I will be happy to answer any questions if I had't expanded enough (lol) already...I know I know, I tend to rant and ramble...sorry
. I just feel like IM is a home to me, and I want the community that I love to know what's going on with me when they see me much lighter then ever before. Don't want anyone thinking I was sick or something.
Again, sorry for the long writeup, but I kinda figured I owed some people here this....I have only told this to my immediate family, and 2 or 3 other close friends.
Thanks for reading
...bear with me, this might get lengthy, but for the people who I know, and who give a shit about what happens with me, well this is for you guys
And before any older guys start rolling their eyes reading the following, please give me a chance with this rant.Gonna make a long story short. I had a scheduled check in with my back specialist (for those who are unaware, I herniated 2 discs, tore a paraspinal ligament, tor a floating rib, and cracked my sternum last year, and have been back training hard since September 2011). I went in knowing that I was not gonna like what he had to say.
Basically, we had a sit down after he evaluated me.
"Are you in pain right now?" he says.
"Nothing more than the usual. Aches, soreness, my back feels tight all the time. I can tell some stuff is flaring up again." I reply.
"Marc, you back is in complete spasm right now. Can you not feel that?"
"What? No."
"Here, do you feel this" As he prods at my back.
"No"...was my verbatum reply.
He goes on to tell me that my what basically has happened, which is what he feared would happen when I went back to attempting to laod my spine heavily again, is that I have narrowing in my spinal collumn.. causing nerve impingement.
He went into asking me all these diagnostic questions. It came up about "do you ever find your extrmemities falling asleep, when there is no reason for them to do so?"...
...my hands fall asleep whenever I lay on my side for more than 30 seconds or so. My feet go numb all the damn time. I will be squatting sometimes, and at the end of the set I have no feeling in my feet at all.
I knew right there, I was fucked, and I had to come clean and admit to myself that I have really fucked my body up. I (stupidly) have been brushing it off. MAINLY because I didn't want to think for a second that I couldn't lift heavy anymore, that I couldn't proceed to do what I do.
As we got deeper into discussion, I was diagnosed with arthritis in BOTH of my hands. I am 23 years old...this shit isn't supposed to be happening. I sought out a gastrointerologist a long while ago, because of some digestive issues I have been having for what seems like years now....well, my specialist thinks my nerves are so messed up that it's actually causing stomach issues....that's yet to be determined though.
Basically, what it comes down to is, my body is falling apart, I am waking up every day in real pain. Not soreness, but pain. But hey, I am young, strong, and healthy...I can't be broken. Must be sore. WRONG. I am WAY more messed up that I ever dreamed.
My doc tells me "You HAVE to stop doing this to yourself. If you continue, major back surgery is gonna be your only option, and I can guarantee you 2-3 full disc replacements before your 30.
What does this all mean to me in bodybuilding terms? Well, I am done. Simple. Where I am at right now, I am trying to take the next step and be competitive on a bigger stage..which means I HAVE to get bigger. To put on the weight I need to put on, I HAVE TO LIFT HEAVY. I have never grown "pumping". I need to be doing squats with 5 plates, deads with 600, inclines with 300-400 lbs. I need to be doing all this to put the size on I need...I am already 225 lbs on stage, and I CAN ALREADY put up some good weight...but I need to be bigger....so what do I do? Do I start taking massive amounts of anabolics, and train like a pussy for the sake of getting bigger, and further put my heallth at real risk by pumping myself full of hormones? NO. Fuck that, I have said from day one I never want to be one of those guys who walks around looking huge and jacked, lifts a shit ton, but is a ticking time bomb when it comes to their health. It's just not me. I have said time and time before I NEVER WANT to ever turn pro or anything even close. I just wanna take it as far as I could at the highest state of health I could. Just not cut out for it.
Me and my fiance want kids...soon actually. Well, speaking relativly. I don't wanna have a 10 year old who I can't even roll around on the ground with because my back is fucked because I stupidly was pursuing something that in the end, most don't understand, appriciate, or even care about. I have simply come to terms with the fact that's it's not worth it anymore to ME.
Beyond all that though, these past few months, as I have been gearing up for an "offseason"...I have really found myself falling out of love with the "Sport". I find myself literally HATING 95% of the community within the sport. I don't want to be associatedd with so many of the people I know in it, that it really saddens me, because I spent the better part of my life now pursuing this, day in and day out...
..alot of people don't realize I have 10 years of hard training under my belt already at 23 years old. I started lifting under the guidance of a few powerlifters, who had me programming workouts and eating to grow from day one. I have been as heavy as 270lbs, starting at 160lbs...I have paid my dues....and my body has suffered as a result. I think if I were to have gone about this endeavor in a more casual fashion, rather than striving to be the biggest motherfucker at the gym, and always striving to be stronger and stronger and stronger, I wouldn't have had these problems...
...my problem arose from basically progressing too quickly. Along with having an ego at times I am sure, and pushing for more PR'S than I SHOULD HAVE. Training hurt ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Pushing the envelope.
BOTTOM LINE: My body, my genetics, were never meant to walk around as a bodybuilder or powerlfiter...I have scrapped and clawed for everything...nothing ever came easy. My genetic blueprint for this stuff is mediocre at best...I always thought effort and doing shit the way it needed to be done day in and day out was enough to compensate...I was wrong. My body is simply not meant to throw around these kinda weights. If it were, I wouldn't have arthritis in my early 20's, and I wouldn't have the spine of a 50 year old ex-wrestler.
Here's something I wanna say to the guys who KNOW in their hearts the don't have what it takes genetically to make themselves into a elite level strength athlete:
...is it all, REALLY worth it to you? I know it used to be for me. If you noticed I haven't been around much here latley...been staying away from bodybuilding related things...I have been reflecting a lot. It sounds cheesy, but this is/was my life. I woke up thinking about my lift that day, I went to bed going over if I ate the way I needed to. All my extra money that I wasn't using for rent/school? Bodybuilding food and supps. I have sacrificed so much for so little...when I think back on it, I say "WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING TO YOURSELF?" and a little of that is bitterness towards my own situation. But a lot of that is the truth...
I am just being honest with myself here, because I have put so much of myself into this sport and lifestyle, but the reality is: Not many people have any kind of future in bodybuilding. The rewards are next to nothing, and most people think your a bonafide weirdo for doing it. Well fuck them right? Who cares what they think? Ya, I used to sya that to...but now I have begun to see the same things. I have never been one to show myself off, I have never been vain, really. I have always been appalled by that side of the game...because let's face it, if you bodybuilding, you love looking at yourself.
I now look back and think that I, had/have maybe some kind of body image disorder. And looking back on it further, I think the only reason I fell in love with BB'ing in the first place was because it was the first thing I really found (age 13-14 here) that total, absolute physical exertion, total discipline and dedication, and constant improvement were all not only needed, but are the core of it all....I like that. That's just me. I enjoy challenge. I enjoy art as well. I enjoy creating things. That's what drew me to it...it was never to "get girls" "get bigger to beat people up" or "be better at sports" or whatever else. It was simply the sheer difficulty of the task that drew me to bodybuilding...the fact that not a lot of people do it, or even understand it, is probably what made me so in love with it for so long.
As I have said, the past few months, I have basically hated going to the gym. I hated everything about it. Probably because I am in pain for days after a workout that never used to cause me trouble. But is was more likely due to me feeling frustration....
...or fuck it, maybe I just am growing up some and priorities are changing a bit? Who cares, the fact is I am done. Not taking a break, but done.
I went to a friends bodybuilding show today...I put together his diet and training scheme for him, and basically was his prep coach (I AM NOT ADVERTISING, PLEASE NO ONE THINK I AM. I AM NOT A PREP COACH!!! I WAS HELPING A FRIEND FOR FREE. THAT'S WHERE IT ENDS!) and seeing him do his first show, I remembered why I started bodybuilding...it really is a unique experience. He did well by the way, took 3rd in the open heavies, and was the biggest guy in the show....he's 18 years old, and he was IN DAMN GOOD SHAPE.
...anyway, being at the show as a spectator who was backstage the whole time, I talked to a lot of people and it just furthered my growing hate for this community/sport/lifestlye. I just had to shake my head at so many things today it was unreal. I don't think I ever want to go to a show again.
So what is next for me? Well, training is, and always will be, a part of who I am...but now the game has changed...I am getting myself back into martial arts, which is something I did from the age of 4 up until around 12 or 13 or so, (I was one degree from a testing to get my blackbelt in Shotokan karate, and had been doing Judo for a few years at the time...I really loved it). Now, I have started a new journey. I have already enrolled myself in a GREAT Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu academy. And will be pursuing it as religiously as I have bodybuiling, with the ultimate goal of becoming a competitive grappler. I have to back down off of the weights for a bit, to let my back try to normalize. But my training now is gonna be exclusively for BJJ.
So, lot's of carido. Lot's of specialized lifting. Doing things I have never trained, or done. Stuff, that will allow me to push myself to my ends, but not compromise my health anymore....
And there you have it. So, for those of you who read, thank you. I appreciate you caring about me
I am still gonna be around IM as much as ever, I just am not bodybuilding any more. If the interest is there, I will start a new training journal, dedicated to BJJ, and eventually MMA, as I know at some point I am gonna wanna get back to striking
So, does anyone on IM want to see a MMA journal? lolI will be happy to answer any questions if I had't expanded enough (lol) already...I know I know, I tend to rant and ramble...sorry
. I just feel like IM is a home to me, and I want the community that I love to know what's going on with me when they see me much lighter then ever before. Don't want anyone thinking I was sick or something.Again, sorry for the long writeup, but I kinda figured I owed some people here this....I have only told this to my immediate family, and 2 or 3 other close friends.
Thanks for reading
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