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  • The Things Your Mom Never Told You About Being Big

    I love these articles, thought everyone would get a kick out of it.

    The Things Your Mom Never Told You About Being Big
    by Jason Meuller

    So, you wanna be a bodybuilder, huh? Stand up on stage next to the big boys, get all the ladies, never have that sand kicked in your face again, I hear ya. There's one little problem though. Walking around with all that extra steroid-induced muscle isn't all peaches and cream, baby. Sometimes it can be a downright pain in the ass (literally).

    Sit back and pay attention, school is now in session.

    Breathing is a B-i-t-c-h

    If you've ever had the chance to hang out with a professional bodybuilder, one thing becomes immediately clear. Most of these guys suck wind like you wouldn't believe.

    Simple tasks, like say, checking the mail, are enough to make a lot of these guys gasp and wheeze for oxygen. I myself have experienced this on many occasions. I own a three-story condo with plenty of stairs. Stairs. The bane to my existence. Do you know how many times I've considered installing one of those chairs that helps old people up the stairs? It's especially lovely after a brutal leg workout, it's 11 at night, and I've got to get some sleep. Do I climb three flights of stairs so I can get to my bedroom or crash out on the couch?

    The human heart was not designed to pump blood through miles of additional vascular networks that are created by steroid-induced hypertrophy. Quite frankly, many of these athletes are taxing their hearts to very dangerous levels. The combination of extreme size, steroid-related hypertension, and lack of cardiovascular conditioning makes for danger.

    Sweat Like a Gerbil at a Gay Pride Rally

    Okay, I admit that's probably in poor taste, but it's damn funny. Who likes to sweat? Hey, if you're planning on being one of the big boys, you're going to learn to love it!

    You think you sweat profusely now? Wait until you're about 280 pounds of muscle and see what happens.

    My favorite example for this is Nasser El Sombaty. Don't get me wrong, I love Nasser, he's got an unbelievable physique and is one of the few pros that can carry on an intelligent conversation. Talking to most of these guys will put you to sleep faster than a litre of GHB. Joking aside, Nasser serves as a perfect case study for excessive sweating. Having seen and talked to him many times at various shows and guest appearances, I can honestly tell you that even doing something as mundane as sitting and signing autographs causes Nasser to pour sweat. Other athletes share similar fates. At last year's Olympia Greg Kovacs was constantly towelling off as sweat poured down his face. At the press conference it was miserable to watch the athletes, all wearing some form of dress attire, pour sweat under hot lights and the strain of many weeks of dieting.

    Again, the human body was not designed to carry around the 50 - 100 pounds of steroid-induced muscle these athletes wear. The incredible caloric intake, hypertension, and artificially heightened metabolisms of these athletes serve to overload the natural cooling system of the body. Excessive and profuse sweating results.

    Pain is Your Constant Companion

    Big deal, right? You've spent hours in the gym, you know what it's like to recover from the most brutal workouts. Well my friend, have I got a treat for you. Training naturally and training on gear are whole different animals altogether. While I have the utmost respect for natural trainers, I can honestly say that 9 out of 10 steroid users are going to train harder and more aggressively than their natural counterparts (and yes, I can see the deluge of hate mail from naturals coming already).

    Lord knows I've seen my fair share of mammoth bodybuilders dog it in the gym. I've also witnessed natural bodybuilders train with an intensity that's inspiring. However, a smart natural bodybuilder will almost always train his body at a level below what he's capable of. Why? Because natural bodybuilders must always deal with the limiting factor of cortisol, which is elevated in response to training. Anabolic steroids allow bodybuilders to break past this barrier and by their very nature produce a level of aggressiveness that most natural trainers cannot reach.

    Anabolic steroids allow you to lift longer, lift heavier, and with more intensity. While I must admit that some bodybuilders tend to use steroids as a crutch and fail to take advantage of this, most athletes will train harder while "on." Obviously, the harder you train, the more pain you'll experience as you recover from each session. Additionally, it's not uncommon for long-term steroid users to suffer from severe joint pain. The constant stress of accommodating weights that overload connective tissues can lead to a variety of problems. Why do you think so many top bodybuilders are addicted to Nubain?

    While we're on the subject of steroids, let's discuss another painful aspect of achieving massive size. When you start taking the 2 - 4+ grams per week of steroid required to achieve a professional caliber physique, you start realising something. Taking that many shots really sucks. Let's say you're an aspiring bodybuilder, you've got some decent size, and now it's time to really up the ante in your quest to pursue greatness. A typical cycle of injectables for someone like this might consist of 2000 mg of test a week, 600 mg of deca, and 75 mg of trenbolone acetate every day. At the very minimum, you're going to be injecting 18cc of oil into your body every week. This assumes you're using a testosterone preparation that is 250 mg/ml and that you were lucky enough to locate deca at 200 mg/ml. More realistically, you're going to be using a lower strength of testosterone, say 200 mg/ml and a much lower strength of deca, probably around 50 mg/ml. You're now injecting 30 cc of oil per week! Question. Where is all of this oil going to go? Before, you weren't taking that much juice and managed to put all your shots in the glutes. Now you're hitting your delts and quads and still trying to figure out where else you can stick yourself.

    Something happens after years and years on steroid injections. You build up a great deal of scar tissue. This makes injections even more fun as the needle no longer glides swiftly and smoothly through tissue towards its final destination. There's something quite sickening and unpleasant about actually hearing and feeling the crunching and squeaking that results as a needle makes its way through heavy scar tissue. Better yet, this scar tissue allows for very little blood circulation. It's not at all uncommon to have a bolus of oil sit in your ass for a week because you injected directly into scar tissue. Over time, this will eventually happen to your glutes, legs, and delts, really anywhere you inject repeatedly. This is not a result of improper or unsterile injection techniques, it's simply the result of years of steroid use.

    Last but not least, let's not forget the newest fad to hit the bodybuilding scene, site injections. Now areas that were previously taboo as injection sites are being poked and prodded on a daily basis in an attempt to artificially swell the muscle with various fats and fatty acids. Now I know there are many of you who think the use of these substances is limited to a few bad apples in the sport of bodybuilding. We can easily spot these miscreants at shows, with a rear delt that is wildly overinflated or a bicep that looks like those water balloons you used to throw at your sister when you were a kid. I hate to break it to you, but site injections are used by damn near everybody now.
    Bodybuilding is a sport, much like many others, that will always fail to hear the voice of reason. As bodybuilders continue their quest for increased size, the risks and chances they take become greater and greater. You'll not find a bodybuilder in the upper levels of the sport who's going to stand up and martyr himself to correct the evils associated with competition. You don't want to site inject? Well Mr Olympia contestant, please take 16th place and shut your hole. Thanks for playing.

    Ah, but I digress. Back to pain. If you've taken shots long enough, you know that occasionally, no matter how careful you are with your injection techniques, you're going to get a "bad" shot that hurts for quite some time. Site injections are all "bad" shots. You're injecting into areas that are not meant to accommodate large amounts of oil.

    Injecting 2 - 3 cc into your biceps for weeks at a time is painful as all hell. Injecting into your calves can make it difficult to walk. Suck it up kid, you're a bodybuilder now.

    Time to Eat

    Now that you've decided to play with the big boys, you've got your program all set. The workouts are written out, the drugs are in place, and you've got your 5 meals a day of chicken and rice ready to go. Watch out Mr Olympia, here I come! Cut to six months later. You're leaner. You're meaner. But you're not a helluva lot bigger. What happened? Lack of food is what happened.

    I'm not going to go over this again in too much detail, as I've already done so in past issues of Anabolic Extreme. If you want to read an article that takes a realistic look at the kind of nutritional program it takes to compete at the upper levels of the sport, read "Extreme Eating for Mass" in the back issue section. Bottom line, chicken and rice don't cut it.

    Overfeeding is the name of the game here. If you want to be brutally huge, you've got to eat brutally huge meals all day long. I'm talking about eating to the point where you are uncomfortable for most of your waking hours. I'm talking about eating to the point where just when you finish one meal, it seems like it's time for another. Obviously this doesn't work for natural athletes, they'll just get fat. But when you're injecting yourself with 3g of gear a week, along with 6 IUs of growth and 30 IUs of insulin a day, the normal rules of eating are thrown out the window. Here, have a couple Big Macs while you're waiting for that weight-gain shake to blend.

    Christ, Was That You?

    If you've spent any time at all around a good-sized bodybuilder, you're quickly going to realise that these guys have serious issues with gas. Unfortunately, the same dietary practices that allow us to pack on the muscle also cause the wildlife that inhabit intestinal tracts to produce inordinate amounts of methane. As a result, most bodybuilders spend a significant amount of time trying to fart in public without getting caught. Anytime you get a large group of bodybuilders together, you'd better have a good ventilation system. Any of you who've attended the expos at the Mr Olympia or Arnold's Classic will know what I mean. If it weren't for the massive difference in muscularity, you wouldn't know if you were at a bodybuilding show or an all day chili cook-off. You're constantly walking through man-sized fart bubbles of varying toxicity.

    There's a certain pride associated with a good, sweaty, manly fart, the kind that can immediately clear a room. One of the important principles you'll need to master as your flatulence grows in direct correlation to your body weight is the subtle art of never being around to take the blame when the general public is hit with the goods. This requires some planning on your part, as you can't just rip one at the beginning of your drop-set on bench and hope no one is going to point the finger at you. You'll generally have plenty of warning as one of these monsters goes through its build up phase and know when its time to take appropriate action. You can employ several techniques here, but all involve moving to an area of the gym you won't soon need to occupy for any reason and releasing your noxious payload. This can be done discreetly in an unoccupied corner of the gym, although doing so wastes any of the fart's knockout potential.

    The best course of action allows you to ease your burden and remain blame-free, while allowing others to share in your fragrant emanations. My philosophy is that if God didn't want others to smell our farts, he wouldn't have made them stink, right? Once you feel you're ready to release your cargo, saunter over to a crowded section of the gym. Maybe you're looking for that damn triceps handle, or maybe you're just making your way through the crowd to say hi to an old friend. Whatever your ruse may be, it's important that you release while on the move. Standing in one spot will make identifying you as the culprit a far easier task than if you release the gas piecemeal on your trek through the gym. Be sure you've thoroughly unloaded every bit of gas before you make your way back to your own workout area, as a really good fart has a tendency to follow you if given a chance. If done correctly, you'll escape detection and get to enjoy the fruits of your labours as you watch innocent gym members glare at each other as they quickly move to find fresh air.

    Well, I'm wrapping this up folks. Quite frankly, I could probably write another 10 pages, but I'm breathing and sweating so bad I've got to take a break. Besides, my joints are killing me and it's time to eat. Hey, can someone crack a window and light a match in here for Christ's sake? If you liked this article, let me know, I'm sure I could crank out a few more instalments if I get enough positive feedback.

    Copyright 2000 Jason Meuller and Anabolic Extreme April 2000 Issue #9
    Follow your dreams but dont let your life become one.
    -Vander V

  • #2
    The fart portion was fabulous.
    Please tell your boobs to quit staring at my eyes

    Comment


    • #3
      Very funny. Very true too.
      Kid's Wench :flex: and Bon-Bon's sis
      Ask me about FitnessXLOnline.com
      www.TrueProtein.com
      *use FXL222 for a discount on your 1st purchase




      Comment


      • #4
        The Other Things Your Mom Never Told You About Being Big

        --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

        Do you remember being that starry-eyed kid, looking at your first bodybuilding magazine, and the associated dreams that ran through your head? Ahh, if I could only be that big, all the ladies would love me. If I could only be that big, no one will ever pick on me. If I work out long and hard, I'll be that big and always be the center of attention. And not be able to sit on an airplane. Or wipe my own ass. Or have sex for more than two minutes without calling the paramedics. Wait just a damn minute, I didn't sign on for this shit!

        Welcome To Pygmy Airlines
        For most people, flying is a mildly pleasant experience. For a large bodybuilder, it's a complicated lesson in physics. How does one fit 300+ lbs of muscular mass into a seat designed for someone half that size? Come fly the unfriendly skies

        Over the past year, I've had the misfortune of having to fly quite a bit. Like everyone else out here on the West Coast, I fly Southwest. The Greyhound bus of airlines if you will.

        "Welcome to flight 349 with service from Sacramento to Ontario, CA. This will be a full flight. Boarding will begin shortly."

        Shit. To their credit, I've rarely been on a Southwest flight that wasn't packed to the gills. To my detriment, this makes me as welcome as a reggae band at a Ku Klux Klan meeting. No one wants to sit next to me. Everyone is praying I won't sit next to him. Fortunately for the average passenger, my seatmate criteria are based on an entirely different set of values than most. Your normal passenger might look for someone who's attractive or looks interesting. Not me. I choose based on weight. Quite frankly, the smaller you are, the better I like it. My dream is to catch the flight carrying a planeload of anorexic midgets to a convention.

        I can honestly say I can relate to the prejudices fat people face. You know how it is if you've already gotten a seat, you're checking on the boarding human cargo just as much as they're evaluating you. And here I come, lumbering down the aisle, quickly taking inventory of each passenger's dimensions. I can almost hear what everyone's thinking:

        "Please God, don't let that big son-of-a-bitch sit next to me. I'll be good. Really, I will."

        Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

        "Shit!"

        Nice Outfit
        We can explain the ridiculous clothing seen on most bodybuilders with a simple equation. The more successful you are in the sport, the less successful you'll be in finding garments that don't make you look like an idiot. Mathematically speaking bodybuilding success = dressing like a buffoon.

        Within the milieu of bodybuilding, you'll find a variety of different fashion styles. Let's take a look at some of these.

        The 24-Hour Bodybuilder
        We've all seen this guy. Every piece of clothing he has tells us he's a lifter. Every top has the words, "Extreme", "Hardcore", or "Bodybuilding" on it. Every pair of pants looks like a bad cross between the fashion styles of Bozo the Clown and Prince Ali Baba of Arabia. This is the kind of guy who wears a boat neck and clown pants on a first date. His only dress shirt has a Max Muscle label.

        Last year at the Olympia, we witnessed a guy dressed in a powerlifting suit, carrying around a huge igloo cooler on a shoulder strap. Now, you see every kind of dress at the Olympia, I'm sure if you were there you caught the blond guy in the hot pants and cowboy boots (now that's fashion!). However, Mr. Powerlifter struck me as particularly pathetic. It's obvious that looking at someone like this that their life is completely one-dimensional, and anything beyond the scope of reps, sets, nutrition, and steroids is completely out of bounds. I'm all for dedication, but guys like this reek of obsession!

        Mr. Muscles
        Mr. Muscles is particularly pathetic. Every article of clothing he purchases is 2 sizes two small and made of that stretchy material that's similar to Lycra. This guy looks like 20 gallons of shit poured into a 15-gallon bag. This is the kind of guy that makes people ridicule bodybuilders, because he's a walking stereotype. Hey, I've seen guys in outfits so tight it looked like they were wearing a blood pressure cuff.

        Buying clothes as a bodybuilder certainly is a challenge. It's kind of depressing to walk through the mall and realize that every outfit you see is going to be too small. I particularly like trying to buy dress clothes. It's almost impossible. I guess that's why you don't see too many bodybuilders running around in suits, huh? About 2 years ago I had a job that required me to wear a suit to work every day. So, I go to the Men's Warehouse and try to buy clothes. The lady assures me that they'll have pants that fit me. She neglected to say that the waist would be 4 sizes too large. All I can say is, good luck finding clothes.

        Excuse Me. Do You Workout?
        A lot of people go into bodybuilding to get noticed. I know I did. I got tired of being the skinny kid that people picked on and decided to lift weights. Pretty soon, I developed a love for the sport that transcended my desire to capture peoples attention, and now I body build simply to see how far I can develop my body. Now, at first the attention you get is nice. And I must admit, it's still cool to go somewhere and be the center of attention. However, the larger you get, the more attention you're going to attract. And the more attention you attract, the more inane and asinine the questions become.

        My favorite is the ever popular, "Do you workout?" I know, people are just trying to break the ice. It's just that I've been approached with this line so many times that it's now extremely humorous. Bodybuilders wear their sport. It's almost akin to a football player wearing full pads and a helmet 24 hours a day or a jockey wearing his uniform and leading around a horse all the time. I certainly wouldn't walk up to one of these guys and say, "Hey pal, do you play football?" or "Excuse me, buddy. Do you ride horses?" So, every time I get asked this question, it's playtime. "Actually, no, I don't workout. My parents did a tremendous amount of drugs in the '60's" That's always a good one. How about, "We'll I used to, before I injured myself. I haven't trained with weights now for about five years." Now that's always a killer because the person asking you is usually some young kid who wants to know how you got so big. Telling him you haven't trained with weights for five years is going to blow his mind.

        Here's another classic. Everyone knows somebody about your size, if not bigger. "Yeah, my cousins about your size, maybe a bit bigger. He starts high school this year." Really? Wow, that's amazing, can I see a picture? Old people are the worst at this. I used to hang around a lot with my grandfather and listen to him and his old cronies lie to each other. Somehow, somebody my size would get worked into every story. "I remember back, oh must a been about '36 when I was playing' ball for Ole Miss. Damn near the whole team was bigger than your grandson there I tell you. Smarter too." Of course, you can't get mad at people for this, it's simply their way of dealing with envy. I always wonder if I going to reach a point where I don't have to listen to shit like this anymore, you know, a point where people just say, "Yeah, my cousin…. fuck I can't lie to you, damn you're big!" I doubt it. Nasser, Dillet, and Coleman probably listen to this shit 10 times a day.

        Finally, there's the measurement question. "How big are your arms?" Now for the most part, the average person has no idea what constitutes a big arm measurement. Sure, we as bodybuilders know that anything over 20" is pretty impressive. However, anyone who has any bodybuilding knowledge rarely ask you this question. So, have a little fun. "Let's see, last time I measured them they were 30 inches." It's always amusing to tell a group of kids something like this. Their response is hilarious. "Wow man, did you hear that? His arms are 30 inches! I can't wait to get my arms that big too!" For most people, telling them your actual arm size is about as meaningful as reading the specs for your carburetor. You can say anything and they'll be impressed.

        Well, there you have it my friends. Another look at some of the unknown joys of being big. As always, it's been my pleasure to bring you another shocking expose on the hidden underbelly of bodybuilding. Until next time, keep you feet on the ground and your head in the stars, goodbye everybody!

        by Jason Mueller
        Blade

        "Keep your purpose in mind, simply go to the gym and do your workout, do it well and don't worry
        what other people are doing. Confidence will grow as you achieve."

        "If you believe in yourself, have dedication and pride and never quit, you'll be a winner. The price of
        victory is high, but so are the rewards"

        Comment


        • #5
          Everyone is trying to get somewhere on this long road we call bodybuilding. Some try to lose weight to reveal their muscle beneath, some try to cover their bones with powerful slabs of muscle. We all dream a common dream, six packs, wide strong shoulders, thick chests, and powerful bodies all around. But to get there, ah, that is the trick. And once you are that size, is it all fun and games, all beach bunnies and orgies, right? Ah, alas, no…there are things about being big that your mom never told you.

          Jason has already written two of these, but I thought I would add my own perspective on the burdens of being larger then the average bear. And I am not even as big as Jason, hell; I am not as even as big as his wife’s left breast. But unlike Jason’s ramblings, I am going to give you advice and solutions on how to counter each of these pitfalls.

          Sleep/Hunger Trade off
          So you are training hard, maybe twice a day. You are eating thousands of calories and taking tons of supplements and gears. As you grow you start to notice that even minor non-lifting chores tire you out. I will hammer out reps on 500lb squats in the gym, but ask me to carry in groceries and I will be so exhausted but to have no choice and retreat to my bed to sleep. Eating makes me sweat; I need to sleep after each laborious meal. Ahh, sweet sleep, the bodybuilder’s best friend.

          It is in sleep that we encounter the sleep/hunger trade-off (called technically the marginal catabolic/anabolic product of sleep). The more you sleep, the more repairing and growth you get done. The more sleep the more energy you have for workouts. But, alas, you cannot yet sleep and eat. I can wake up, eat a bowl of cereal, a pizza and two protein shakes and go right back to sleep, but that’s from years of BodyOpus (I hope Duchaine is being tormented the afterlife for making us wake up every two hours). Most guys simply cannot eat and then fall right back asleep. So you reach the point where sleep is interfering with meals. Truly, a terrible dilemma; I have considered many solutions to this problem. Food tubes were one idea, but they are difficult to handle unless you are in a deep coma. So, what did I do? I turned to our biochemist Sanjac who knows everything.

          The solution is, of course, intravenous amino acids. You can make these at home, as Sanjac pointed out. Here is the recipe for homemade intravenous amino acid solution right from Sanjac’s own mouth, and he said he would take full ethical, legal, and moral responsibilities for the use of this formula. You did say that, didn’t you?

          Ingredients:

          Saline Solution (from contact lenses).

          Two pounds of chicken breast, blanched.

          Two pounds of soy protein, lightly fried.

          Two gallons of chocolate milk.

          Glutamine.

          Di-hydro-oxide. This is a vital ingredient. It is essential for muscle growth, Anabolic Extreme sells very potent version of this, but beware, too much can cause respiratory failure.

          Now place all these items in a blender, blend until lightly whipped. Put this in a Ziploc bag at the top of a broom. Connect several straws together until you have a length long enough to reach your arm. Punch a hole in the Ziploc with one end of the straw and put the other end into your veins. Don’t aspirate, it lowers the effectiveness of this method. [Editors Note: Please do not attempt this or write to us asking for more information on this technique. It's a JOKE!]

          The Buffet
          Few of you will ever get to be huge without the buffet restaurant. These “all you can eat” watering holes are the staple of any bodybuilder on a budget who cares only about total calorie intake. Now, as you wade towards the door of the restaurant, past throngs of senior citizens who also love these places, quickly glance at the manager. A look of despair will creep over his face, a dawning realization that some “thing” has come to his establishment with a terrible hunger. The looks my brother and I receive are akin to the looks the first Japanese scientist gives when he sees Godzilla rise out of the water. I have been asked not to return after I ate a whole stream tray of veal (Uhmm, veal). My brother had eaten several pounds of shrimp. The manager told us he would refund our money if we promised never to come back. So we did just that. Now we terrorize a local Chinese restaurant.

          But there is a flip side to this. Whenever you go to eat at a normal restaurant, everyone asks if you got enough to eat. I go on a date to a fine restaurant like CiCi’s Pizza (but only on the first of the month…) and all the people have to comment on every bite that goes into my maw. It’s like some ESPN II commentary on my food intake. Everyone thinks I have some reason for whatever I am doing.

          “Look Bob he has ordered the chicken."
          “Chicken, hmm…I bet it's because he is on steroids. I read somewhere that steroids make you crave chicken."
          “You’re right Bob, that’s got to be it”
          “I have a cousin that big, but he is only three years old."
          "You know Bob, I used to look that way myself, actually a bit bigger. Of course, I had to quit working out when I took the job at the gas station."
          "Of course."

          As an aside, the irony of eating out at a nice restaurant for me is what invariably happens to my girlfriend. We go somewhere nice where they have napkins and dinner rolls or Italian bread or any form of bottomless bread as an appetizer. So we order our 50-dollar dinners and then the girl proceeds to eat about ten loaves of bread thus insuring two things; you are getting her steak and you are not having sex that night. And then, at the close of the dinner, some brain surgeon must ask, “SO Big Guy, did you get enough to eat?” What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? God forbid that a guy over 200lbs can eat a normal sized dinner…did they expect me to order two of everything on the menu and a wafer thin mint?

          Traveling
          Jason already touched upon the joys of being on any modern airplane when you are big. But it gets worse. Not everyone understands the need for protein powder drinks every two hours. But there is no fury that compares to that of a hungry bodybuilding comrade. My friends and I must stop and eat every two hours or we begin to feel faint. So of course, God help the poor innocent driver who doesn’t pull over immediately. It starts like some sort of werewolf movie. Everything is fine, and then slowly as the clock edges towards the two-hour mark, our hackles go up, a change begins to overtake us. Our eyes widen, our stomachs growl, you get the point. What then follows is an orgy of feeding that almost always involves chocolate milk and Met-RX bars.

          The best part of this occurs during bulking phases where ice cream and doughnuts are added to the chocolate milk. I love the sad looks on the faces of people around us as we discard certain candies for being too low in calories, eagerly hooting like monkeys when we find a good and particularly fattening ice cream sandwich. I love the expression on the morbidly obese acne marked whale behind the counter at 7-11 when my friends and I descend on the register with bags of chocolate cake doughnuts and full fat chocolate milk. Just ring us up Shamu. I'm feeling faint!

          Your Size will Become Tiresome
          In the beginning your size will impress you. You will be tempted to wear spandex shirts, go shirtless to movies, and flex your muscles in the reflections of all mirrors or shiny surfaces. Then slowly, other people will notice your size, they will comment on it, etc. Eventually it will become a fact you accept, you are large, you are strong you are muscular. But by this point, it will be the focus of all conversation around you. You will sit down to lunch with friends who will proceed to ask you about diet, about training, about protein requirements. Finally, your size will become part of every comment.

          “Hey Jason, lets go to the mall because you are so big.”
          “Hey big guy, wanna wash the car? I bet with those arms it only takes you like five minutes.”
          "Hey Grendel, did you eat yet?" (I only hear this one about every 5 minutes.)

          Finally, you will reach an almost Buddha like mental state about your size. You will stop reveling at all in your size, taking care to dress modestly, etc. Your muscle will stop being an ego issue at all, you will go the gym, train hard, take your pills, etc and that will be it. You have all seen those older bodybuilders at the gym who no longer seem to be competitive about it. It’s only the young guys, the frat boys, and the assholes that are super competitive about their bodies. The bigger and better you get, the more humble you should be.

          It's been my pleasure to share with you some of the untold horrors we all must face when we push the muscular envelope. It's our hope that this series helps prepare you for life as a monstrous behemoth. Until next time, Grendel out.

          BTW give me some money for posting this mods LOL
          Blade

          "Keep your purpose in mind, simply go to the gym and do your workout, do it well and don't worry
          what other people are doing. Confidence will grow as you achieve."

          "If you believe in yourself, have dedication and pride and never quit, you'll be a winner. The price of
          victory is high, but so are the rewards"

          Comment


          • #6
            This is awesome! Sweating is something I have to deal w/ and I am not even going to go into the gas! This needs to be read by all and the general public so they now why we sweat like beasts and quit asking "are you ok?"

            TH
            For all your Trueprotein supplement needs (www.trueprotein.com), use this code (SER742) and receive 5% off your purchase. Save 10% on orders 16lbs or more!

            Comment


            • #7
              Ok, now from this wife’s side….J

              One thing you’ve missed is the snoring! When you boys are in the bulking stages. The increase in weight & water on your neck causes snoring. What boggles my mind is that no matter what position you’re in, you snore. Ever stare at someone at 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 am while they are on their stomach snoring? I have. The only time to get any rest is during the 2 minutes you need to get up and pee again.

              Believe it or not, but all the stupid questions you guys are asked……we are too. “How much does your husband eat?” “Do you have to cook for him?” “Where do you buy his cloths?” And the worst; “Is he getting grouchy yet?” “How can you stand to live with him?”

              How?!?! Because I love my husband so much that I will back up his passion for this sport. I will live with the snoring, the excess food, all the supplements, many hours at the gym and even the smells coming out of him! lol
              Kid's Wench :flex: and Bon-Bon's sis
              Ask me about FitnessXLOnline.com
              www.TrueProtein.com
              *use FXL222 for a discount on your 1st purchase




              Comment


              • #8
                Damn kidrockslady, you are awesome! I wish all women were like you!

                TH
                For all your Trueprotein supplement needs (www.trueprotein.com), use this code (SER742) and receive 5% off your purchase. Save 10% on orders 16lbs or more!

                Comment


                • #9
                  :o << blushing
                  Kid's Wench :flex: and Bon-Bon's sis
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                  • #10
                    hmmmm....now I'm horny!:sex:
                    -KidRok-
                    "...because I won't accept that I can't."


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                    • #11
                      i was looking for the other one but couldnt find. there is one more in the series written by someone else.

                      KR u got urself a good one. i hope u take the time to appreciate her.
                      Follow your dreams but dont let your life become one.
                      -Vander V

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                      • #12
                        The last one was by Grendel. I have not heard of another one.
                        Blade

                        "Keep your purpose in mind, simply go to the gym and do your workout, do it well and don't worry
                        what other people are doing. Confidence will grow as you achieve."

                        "If you believe in yourself, have dedication and pride and never quit, you'll be a winner. The price of
                        victory is high, but so are the rewards"

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by big_byrd52
                          i was looking for the other one but couldnt find. there is one more in the series written by someone else.

                          KR u got urself a good one. i hope u take the time to appreciate her.
                          Thanks Byrd, I agree that I do, and I certainly try to always remind her that she's special, but of course even I have my moments......
                          -KidRok-
                          "...because I won't accept that I can't."


                          www.https://Truenutrition.com/
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                          https://www.facebook.com/hopsfitnessxl

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by KidRok
                            Thanks Byrd, I agree that I do, and I certainly try to always remind her that she's special, but of course even I have my moments......
                            BTW, post pics of her, or KRL post some pics of yourself. Im tired of staring at the avatar
                            Blade

                            "Keep your purpose in mind, simply go to the gym and do your workout, do it well and don't worry
                            what other people are doing. Confidence will grow as you achieve."

                            "If you believe in yourself, have dedication and pride and never quit, you'll be a winner. The price of
                            victory is high, but so are the rewards"

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              here it is, u posted the one i thought i couldnt find, i didnt actually read it.

                              The Other Things Your Mom
                              Never Told You About Being Big
                              by Jason Mueller

                              Do you remember being that starry-eyed kid, looking at your first bodybuilding magazine, and the associated dreams that ran through your head? Ahh, if I could only be that big, all the ladies would love me. If I could only be that big, no one will ever pick on me. If I work out long and hard, I'll be that big and always be the center of attention. And not be able to sit on an airplane. Or wipe my own ass. Or have sex for more than two minutes without calling the paramedics. Wait just a damn minute, I didn't sign on for this shit!

                              Welcome To Pygmy Airlines
                              For most people, flying is a mildly pleasant experience. For a large bodybuilder, it's a complicated lesson in physics. How does one fit 300+ lbs of muscular mass into a seat designed for someone half that size? Come fly the unfriendly skies

                              Over the past year, I've had the misfortune of having to fly quite a bit. Like everyone else out here on the West Coast, I fly Southwest. The Greyhound bus of airlines if you will.

                              "Welcome to flight 349 with service from Sacramento to Ontario, CA. This will be a full flight. Boarding will begin shortly."

                              Shit. To their credit, I've rarely been on a Southwest flight that wasn't packed to the gills. To my detriment, this makes me as welcome as a reggae band at a Ku Klux Klan meeting. No one wants to sit next to me. Everyone is praying I won't sit next to him. Fortunately for the average passenger, my seatmate criteria are based on an entirely different set of values than most. Your normal passenger might look for someone who's attractive or looks interesting. Not me. I choose based on weight. Quite frankly, the smaller you are, the better I like it. My dream is to catch the flight carrying a planeload of anorexic midgets to a convention.

                              I can honestly say I can relate to the prejudices fat people face. You know how it is if you've already gotten a seat, you're checking on the boarding human cargo just as much as they're evaluating you. And here I come, lumbering down the aisle, quickly taking inventory of each passenger's dimensions. I can almost hear what everyone's thinking:

                              "Please God, don't let that big son-of-a-bitch sit next to me. I'll be good. Really, I will."

                              Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

                              "Shit!"

                              Nice Outfit
                              We can explain the ridiculous clothing seen on most bodybuilders with a simple equation. The more successful you are in the sport, the less successful you'll be in finding garments that don't make you look like an idiot. Mathematically speaking bodybuilding success = dressing like a buffoon.

                              Within the milieu of bodybuilding, you'll find a variety of different fashion styles. Let's take a look at some of these.

                              The 24-Hour Bodybuilder
                              We've all seen this guy. Every piece of clothing he has tells us he's a lifter. Every top has the words, "Extreme", "Hardcore", or "Bodybuilding" on it. Every pair of pants looks like a bad cross between the fashion styles of Bozo the Clown and Prince Ali Baba of Arabia. This is the kind of guy who wears a boat neck and clown pants on a first date. His only dress shirt has a Max Muscle label.

                              Last year at the Olympia, we witnessed a guy dressed in a powerlifting suit, carrying around a huge igloo cooler on a shoulder strap. Now, you see every kind of dress at the Olympia, I'm sure if you were there you caught the blond guy in the hot pants and cowboy boots (now that's fashion!). However, Mr. Powerlifter struck me as particularly pathetic. It's obvious that looking at someone like this that their life is completely one-dimensional, and anything beyond the scope of reps, sets, nutrition, and steroids is completely out of bounds. I'm all for dedication, but guys like this reek of obsession!

                              Mr. Muscles
                              Mr. Muscles is particularly pathetic. Every article of clothing he purchases is 2 sizes two small and made of that stretchy material that's similar to Lycra. This guy looks like 20 gallons of shit poured into a 15-gallon bag. This is the kind of guy that makes people ridicule bodybuilders, because he's a walking stereotype. Hey, I've seen guys in outfits so tight it looked like they were wearing a blood pressure cuff.

                              Buying clothes as a bodybuilder certainly is a challenge. It's kind of depressing to walk through the mall and realize that every outfit you see is going to be too small. I particularly like trying to buy dress clothes. It's almost impossible. I guess that's why you don't see too many bodybuilders running around in suits, huh? About 2 years ago I had a job that required me to wear a suit to work every day. So, I go to the Men's Warehouse and try to buy clothes. The lady assures me that they'll have pants that fit me. She neglected to say that the waist would be 4 sizes too large. All I can say is, good luck finding clothes.

                              Excuse Me. Do You Workout?
                              A lot of people go into bodybuilding to get noticed. I know I did. I got tired of being the skinny kid that people picked on and decided to lift weights. Pretty soon, I developed a love for the sport that transcended my desire to capture peoples attention, and now I body build simply to see how far I can develop my body. Now, at first the attention you get is nice. And I must admit, it's still cool to go somewhere and be the center of attention. However, the larger you get, the more attention you're going to attract. And the more attention you attract, the more inane and asinine the questions become.

                              My favorite is the ever popular, "Do you workout?" I know, people are just trying to break the ice. It's just that I've been approached with this line so many times that it's now extremely humorous. Bodybuilders wear their sport. It's almost akin to a football player wearing full pads and a helmet 24 hours a day or a jockey wearing his uniform and leading around a horse all the time. I certainly wouldn't walk up to one of these guys and say, "Hey pal, do you play football?" or "Excuse me, buddy. Do you ride horses?" So, every time I get asked this question, it's playtime. "Actually, no, I don't workout. My parents did a tremendous amount of drugs in the '60's" That's always a good one. How about, "We'll I used to, before I injured myself. I haven't trained with weights now for about five years." Now that's always a killer because the person asking you is usually some young kid who wants to know how you got so big. Telling him you haven't trained with weights for five years is going to blow his mind.

                              Here's another classic. Everyone knows somebody about your size, if not bigger. "Yeah, my cousins about your size, maybe a bit bigger. He starts high school this year." Really? Wow, that's amazing, can I see a picture? Old people are the worst at this. I used to hang around a lot with my grandfather and listen to him and his old cronies lie to each other. Somehow, somebody my size would get worked into every story. "I remember back, oh must a been about '36 when I was playing' ball for Ole Miss. Damn near the whole team was bigger than your grandson there I tell you. Smarter too." Of course, you can't get mad at people for this, it's simply their way of dealing with envy. I always wonder if I going to reach a point where I don't have to listen to shit like this anymore, you know, a point where people just say, "Yeah, my cousin…. fuck I can't lie to you, damn you're big!" I doubt it. Nasser, Dillet, and Coleman probably listen to this shit 10 times a day.

                              Finally, there's the measurement question. "How big are your arms?" Now for the most part, the average person has no idea what constitutes a big arm measurement. Sure, we as bodybuilders know that anything over 20" is pretty impressive. However, anyone who has any bodybuilding knowledge rarely ask you this question. So, have a little fun. "Let's see, last time I measured them they were 30 inches." It's always amusing to tell a group of kids something like this. Their response is hilarious. "Wow man, did you hear that? His arms are 30 inches! I can't wait to get my arms that big too!" For most people, telling them your actual arm size is about as meaningful as reading the specs for your carburetor. You can say anything and they'll be impressed.

                              Well, there you have it my friends. Another look at some of the unknown joys of being big. As always, it's been my pleasure to bring you another shocking expose on the hidden underbelly of bodybuilding. Until next time, keep you feet on the ground and your head in the stars, goodbye everybody!

                              Last edited by big_byrd52; 05-26-2004, 04:22 PM.
                              Follow your dreams but dont let your life become one.
                              -Vander V

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