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  • Offensive jokes (you've been warned)

    OK, ladies, I didn't write them, so don't whine to me, I warned you they were offensive
    ----------------------------------------------
    1/ Why did God create woman?
    To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
    2/ If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
    The swallow
    3/ How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
    Phone her.
    4/ Why do women fake orgasms?
    Because they think men care.
    5/ What is the definition of "making love"?
    Something a woman does while a guy is f'ing her.
    6/ What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
    Slow down and use a lubricant.
    7/ What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
    Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak
    8/ How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
    None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
    9/ What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
    One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
    10/ Why does the bride always wear white?
    Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator..
    11/ What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
    Nothing, she's been told twice already. (I'm gonna catch some crap over this one)
    12/ How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
    13/ If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
    Made her chain too long.
    14/ How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
    Marry it!
    15/ What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
    A battery has a positive side.
    16/ What are the three fastest means of communication?
    1) Internet
    2) Telephone
    3) Telawoman
    17/ Why do hunters make the best lovers?
    Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they Eat what they shoot.
    18/ How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
    They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
    19/ What should you give a woman who has everything?
    A man to show her how to work it.
    20/ How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
    They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end You lose your house.
    21/ Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
    She knows she's given her last blow job.
    22/ What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
    A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
    23/ What's the difference between your wife and your job?
    After 10 years the job still sucks.
    24/ What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
    Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
    26/ Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
    When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
    27/ How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
    Put a nipple on it.
    28/ Why did the woman cross the road?
    What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?!
    29/ Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
    'cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.
    (yep, my wife hates them too)
    Lift big 2 get big
    TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
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    Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
    So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
    "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
    Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

  • #2
    OK...must be the diet, lack of cigarettes and the mood Im in, but .....I chuckled. Now the reason why I laughed is because this guy must have written this during that one moment when a woman wasn't doing his thinking for him. hehehehe

    Sorry...had to do it.
    Leslie

    Comment


    • #3
      I had a great laugh but will never tell any of those jokes around a woman. Saying stuff like that is how a married guy's sex life disappears real fast.
      "Well done is better than well said"

      :rocker:



      Comment


      • #4
        Yup, I'll just keep those to myself as well....I can't afford another divorce!
        Heckman aka "WISE" OLD MAN

        Comment


        • #5
          Some of my wifes students asked each other #11 and she chimed in with the answer.
          They thought she was brilliant. She told them they were idiots.
          Lift big 2 get big
          TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
          mod at bodybuilding.com
          mod at iron-forum.com
          mod at melanoplanet.com

          Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
          So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
          "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
          Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

          Comment


          • #6
            my first divorce was cheap ($132.50), but if i were to get one now I don't think I would be so lucky.
            "Well done is better than well said"

            :rocker:



            Comment


            • #7
              Your wife is a lucky woman.
              "The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem." -
              Theodore Rubin

              Mod @ Proactivehealthnet

              Comment


              • #8
                This may offend the men, since the women prove to be smarter! But this is a scream, laughed my head off!


                Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

                "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men. "Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

                They all board the train. The men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

                The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The men see this and agree it was a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the
                return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

                "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
                "Watch and learn," answer the women.

                When they board the train, the men cram themselves into a toilet, and the women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door and says,

                "Ticket, please." !!!!!!!!!!!!!

                Comment


                • #9
                  I smiled. : )

                  Skip


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                  • #10
                    LMFAO.... nice composition brutha....

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Funny Stuff !
                      Stay Hard and Get Huge !


                      Whatever you can do or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius , power and magic in it. Begin it now. - Goethe

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        that was pretty good!
                        "Well done is better than well said"

                        :rocker:



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