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Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best One-Liners:

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  • Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best One-Liners:

    Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best One-Liners:

    1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.

    2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home.
    I went over. Nobody was home.

    3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

    4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

    5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

    6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox; the cat kept covering me up.

    7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

    8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

    9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

    10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

    11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

    12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

    13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

    14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

    15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

    16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up an d I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

    17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

    18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

    19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

    20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

    21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

    And my Favorite:

    I'm so ugly; when I was born the doctor slapped my mother
    "Well done is better than well said"


  • #2
    RIP, now maybe he'll get some hard earned respect....
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    "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
    Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"


    • #3
      Thanks, #10 is a classic!!


      • #4
        What a legend he was....what a funny guy! He will be missed...
        Heckman aka "WISE" OLD MAN


        • #5
          Now I want to rent caddyshack....

          RIP Rodney!!
          Greek women, we may be lambs in the kitchen, but we are tigers in the bedroom.

          MOD @


          • #6
            Caddyshack was the best!
            "Well done is better than well said"



            • #7
              He definitely has my respect...he used to say something about asking his girlfriend to marry him...he said...I gave her the ring..she gave me the finger. Personal favorite of mine.

              "When you guys get home and face an anti-war protester, look him in the eyes and shake his hand. Then, wink at his girlfriend, because she knows she's dating a pussy."

              "Carry 24/7 or guess right."

              "There are only two kinds of people that understand Marines: Marines and the enemy. Everyone else has a second-hand opinion."

              "993 yo f9t[n9y[I8itineraryBMiy v][/t u 98 oh 99 u]y8y u[/hy jyip NH j o have I h"


              • #8
                he was hella funny
                such a shame

                i always agree with what i say


                • #9
                  i love his humor, he will be missed


                  • #10
                    Rodney left a legacy that will live on. Glad he got to write his book and have it published earlier this year. Read it and loved it. He had a rough life and comedy was his way of coping.

                    Check out for a funny graphic of Rodney.

                    Also recommend renting Back To School. It is a scream and I think even better than Caddyshack.

                    Some honorable mentions:

                    My ex-wife, she said she wanted sex in the back seat of a car. One night I drove her around for an hour! But she did give great headache.

                    I knew my wife cheated. When I come gome the parrot says "Quick, out the window."

                    I know I'm ugly. The proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth. When I went to the zoo, elephants threw me peanuts.

                    I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He told me with a face like mine I don't need one. I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said with a body like mine I didn't need one either.

                    The doctor put me on a diet of viagra and prune juice. Now I don't know if I'm coming or going.

                    I have a stupid family. My dad worked in a bank for 30 years. They caught him stealing pens. And my cousin can only count to 21 when he's naked.

                    I do OK with the ladies. I can still show a girl where it's at. If I didn't she'd never find it. Now I want 3 girls at once. If I fall asleep they have each other to talk to.

                    Remember the first time you had sex? I was 15 and terrified. I was all alone.

                    You earned your respect, Rodney. Rest in peace.
                    Last edited by GerryT; 10-07-2004, 12:28 AM.