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  • WHAT AM I?
    "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see you there."
    "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
    "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, I've never seen myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then we'll both know?"
    So the snake felt the bunny all over and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly; you have long silky ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose ... you must be a BUNNY RABBIT!"
    [The little blind bunny was so pleased at this that he danced with joy.] The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. What kind of animal are you, sir?"
    The snake said he didn't know, for the same reason. The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked, "So, what kind of animal am I?"
    The bunny said, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls -- you must be a lawyer."
    Lift big 2 get big
    TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
    mod at bodybuilding.com
    mod at iron-forum.com
    mod at melanoplanet.com

    Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
    So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
    "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
    Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

    Comment


    • If Men Really Ruled The World
      1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
      2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
      3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
      4. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
      5. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
      6. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
      7. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J Blowme."
      8. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
      9. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
      10. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
      11. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
      12. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
      13. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
      14. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
      15. Garbage would take itself out.
      16. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
      17. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
      18. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
      19. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
      20. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
      21. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
      22. Two words: Ally McNaked.
      23. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
      24. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
      25. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
      26. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
      27. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
      28. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
      Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
      You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
      Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
      29. Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
      30. The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
      31. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
      32. Daisy Duke shorts would never, ever again go out of style.
      33. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
      Lift big 2 get big
      TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
      mod at bodybuilding.com
      mod at iron-forum.com
      mod at melanoplanet.com

      Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
      So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
      "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
      Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

      Comment


      • that's a great list!!!!

        I especially like line 18.
        "Well done is better than well said"





        Comment


        • A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
          The bus driver said: "That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen."
          In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
          The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
          "The bus driver insulted me" she fumed.
          The man sympathized and said: "Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers."
          "You’re right" she said. "I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
          "That’s a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
          Lift big 2 get big
          TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
          mod at bodybuilding.com
          mod at iron-forum.com
          mod at melanoplanet.com

          Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
          So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
          "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
          Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

          Comment


          • Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
            Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
            Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
            Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
            Lift big 2 get big
            TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
            mod at bodybuilding.com
            mod at iron-forum.com
            mod at melanoplanet.com

            Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
            So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
            "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
            Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

            Comment


            • Subject: Confucius Say...
              Confucius say ...
              Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.
              Confucius say...
              If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
              Confucius say...
              Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
              Confucius say...
              Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
              Confucius say...
              Couple on 7 day honeymoon make whole week.
              Confucius say...
              Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
              Confucius say...
              Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down
              Confucius say...
              He who run behind bus get exhausted.
              Confucius say...
              Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
              Confucius say...
              He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.
              Lift big 2 get big
              TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
              mod at bodybuilding.com
              mod at iron-forum.com
              mod at melanoplanet.com

              Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
              So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
              "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
              Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

              Comment


              • Confucius say ...
                Man who stand on toliet, high on pot.
                Everytime you're not in the gym busting your ass to be the best, someone else is.

                Comment


                • Confucius say.....
                  Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky finger...

                  ...baseball wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk....

                  ...man who fart in church, sits in own pew...

                  Comment


                  • Confucius say.....
                    He who eat jellybean, shit technicolor.
                    Suffer the pain of discipline or suffer the pain of regret. It's your choice.


                    Check out my latest Dive Videos

                    Comment


                    • confucius say......dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs.

                      Comment


                      • a guy comes into a bar and notices the bartender has a monkey behind the bar. the guy asks "whats the monkey for?". so the bartender grabs a club and hits the monkey over the head and the monkey begins giving him oral sex. when the monkey is finished the bartender turns to the customer and says would you like to try that? the customer says sure just dont hit me on top of the head with that club.

                        Comment


                        • Signs Found Around:
                          1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
                          2. IN A DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
                          3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
                          4. IN A LONDON OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
                          5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)
                          6. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
                          7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
                          8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
                          9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
                          10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
                          11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
                          12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
                          13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
                          14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
                          15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN AN OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
                          Lift big 2 get big
                          TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                          mod at bodybuilding.com
                          mod at iron-forum.com
                          mod at melanoplanet.com

                          Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                          So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                          "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                          Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                          Comment


                          • A guy walks into a bar really depressed. The bartender says, "why the long face?"
                            The man says, "well, today was my first blowjob."
                            The bartender replies, "that isn't something to be so ashamed about, how about this, I'll buy you a drink."
                            The man replies, "That'd be excellent, I need something to wash the taste out of my mouth!"

                            -mc
                            Everytime you're not in the gym busting your ass to be the best, someone else is.

                            Comment


                            • A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
                              He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free."
                              He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife.
                              She said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
                              He replied, "I'm going, too."
                              "Why?" she asked.
                              He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year."
                              Lift big 2 get big
                              TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                              mod at bodybuilding.com
                              mod at iron-forum.com
                              mod at melanoplanet.com

                              Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                              So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                              "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                              Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                              Comment


                              • Groaners:

                                How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
                                How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
                                How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
                                What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam!"
                                What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
                                What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
                                What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
                                What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
                                What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
                                What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
                                What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
                                What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
                                What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
                                What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist
                                What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
                                What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
                                What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. And what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.
                                What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
                                What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
                                What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
                                Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.
                                Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
                                Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
                                Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
                                Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers-
                                Lift big 2 get big
                                TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                                mod at bodybuilding.com
                                mod at iron-forum.com
                                mod at melanoplanet.com

                                Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                                So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                                "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                                Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                                Comment

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