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  • Phrases:

    "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
    "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
    "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
    "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
    "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
    "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
    "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
    "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
    "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
    "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP
    "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery
    "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
    Lift big 2 get big
    TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
    mod at bodybuilding.com
    mod at iron-forum.com
    mod at melanoplanet.com

    Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
    So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
    "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
    Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

    Comment


    • Oh come on you partisan freak! No "W" quotes? Or were you afraid you'd crash the the server? LOL
      International Elite Raw Powerlifter
      Blood - Sweat - Chalk

      Comment


      • The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
        The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
        The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
        Slowly across the desert sand
        Trekked the dusty caravan.
        Men on camels, two by two
        Destination-Timbuktu.
        The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
        Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
        Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
        They was three, we was two,
        So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
        Lift big 2 get big
        TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
        mod at bodybuilding.com
        mod at iron-forum.com
        mod at melanoplanet.com

        Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
        So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
        "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
        Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

        Comment


        • Managed Friendship (AKA fraternities and sororities)

          MANAGED FRIENDSHIP
          Welcome to Managed Friendship Organizations (MFO’s), a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with important cost-saving features.
          How Does It Work?
          Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened, accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.
          What's Wrong with my Current Friends?
          If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship.
          Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly relationships.
          How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own? Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality
          Friendship in a cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.
          What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?
          Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.
          Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?
          You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.
          What is a Friendship Emergency?
          The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else. You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline) within two business days.
          What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?
          Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:
          1. Agreeing with you
          2. Appearing sympathetic
          3. Chewing the fat
          4. Dropping by
          5. Feeling your pain
          6. Gossiping
          7. Hanging out
          8. Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*
          9. Joshing
          10. Kidding around
          11. Listening to you whine
          12. Partying
          13. Passing the time
          14. Patting your back
          15. Ribbing
          16. Sharing a meal
          17. Shooting the breeze
          18. Slinging the bull
          19. Teasing *up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan
          What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?
          Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to):
          1. Bar hopping
          2. Bending over backwards
          3. Drinking to excess
          4. Giving a hoot
          5. Going the extra mile
          6. Lending money
          7. Real empathy
          8. Sexual favors
          9. Truly caring
          10. Using illicit drugs
          How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?
          A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met.
          Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me?
          We do. Isn't that what friends are for?
          Lift big 2 get big
          TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
          mod at bodybuilding.com
          mod at iron-forum.com
          mod at melanoplanet.com

          Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
          So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
          "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
          Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

          Comment


          • There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocks on the door. When the madam came to answer it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted to have sex with one of the women inside, had the money to buy it, and wasn't leaving until he got it.

            The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no. But he said he'd heard that all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable, and THAT was the girl he wanted.

            Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back down, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others.

            He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens to be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home, and on the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and they'll have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he'll have a quickie with Mom, and he'll catch it, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
            Lift big 2 get big
            TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
            mod at bodybuilding.com
            mod at iron-forum.com
            mod at melanoplanet.com

            Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
            So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
            "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
            Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

            Comment


            • A man and a women were married for 40 years.When they first got married the man said:"I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in
              it".In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"
              The man thought for a while and said: "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: "Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
              The woman was shocked, but said: "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
              They hugged and made their peace.
              A little while later the woman asked the man: "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered: "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
              Lift big 2 get big
              TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
              mod at bodybuilding.com
              mod at iron-forum.com
              mod at melanoplanet.com

              Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
              So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
              "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
              Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

              Comment


              • Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Rachel Hunter are flying to a supermodels conference in Paris, when suddenly the Captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost all power to the engines of the plane and are going to make an emergency crash landing - please assume the brace position immediately!"
                The three models look at each other and start preparing for the worst.
                Claudia quickly pulls out some lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face up. Bewildered, Naomi and Rachel ask: "What in the hell are you doing Claudia fixing up your make-up, we are about to fricking crash!"
                "Well I know for a fact that the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the people who have the best looking faces - this is why I am putting on my make-up."
                Immediately Rachel Hunter rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.
                Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Rachel have you lost your fucking senses?? Why are you baring you breasts for every one to see .. we are about to die!"
                Rachel responds: "I have it on good authority that in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts - this is why I am exposing my tits!"
                Not hesitating for a moment, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her female "love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Rachel yell, "Naomi - Are your fucking crazy?? Why are you exposing yourself for everyone to see??"
                Calmly, Naomi responds: "PLEASE! I know for a fact that the first thing the rescue workers always look in plane crashes is the black box!!"
                Lift big 2 get big
                TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                mod at bodybuilding.com
                mod at iron-forum.com
                mod at melanoplanet.com

                Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                Comment


                • The Year 5758 Problem
                  "The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a people", the Hebrew teacher informed his class.
                  He continued, "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?"
                  After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well for one thing, the Jews had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years."
                  Lift big 2 get big
                  TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                  mod at bodybuilding.com
                  mod at iron-forum.com
                  mod at melanoplanet.com

                  Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                  So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                  "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                  Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                  Comment


                  • If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!
                    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a truck at 100 yards.
                    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
                    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
                    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
                    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
                    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
                    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
                    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
                    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
                    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".
                    Lift big 2 get big
                    TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                    mod at bodybuilding.com
                    mod at iron-forum.com
                    mod at melanoplanet.com

                    Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                    So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                    "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                    Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                    Comment


                    • You Know You're a Mom When:
                      1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care.
                      2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.
                      3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
                      4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
                      5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.
                      6. Popsicle's become a food staple.
                      7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
                      8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
                      9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is.
                      10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.
                      11. Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, ect. and you think it's funny.
                      12. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
                      13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
                      14. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller balding, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet...you still managed to gain 10 pounds.
                      15. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.
                      16. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
                      17. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispies bars
                      Lift big 2 get big
                      TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                      mod at bodybuilding.com
                      mod at iron-forum.com
                      mod at melanoplanet.com

                      Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                      So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                      "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                      Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                      Comment


                      • (MORE) ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS
                        * Horn broken. Watch for finger.
                        * Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
                        * All generalizations are false.
                        * Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
                        * I brake for no apparent reason.
                        * Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
                        * I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
                        * Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
                        * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
                        * He who laughs last thinks slowest.
                        * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
                        * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
                        * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
                        * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
                        * I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
                        * Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
                        * Forget the Jones’s, I keep us up with the Simpsons’.
                        * Born free...Taxed to death.
                        * Rehab is for quitters.
                        * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
                        * All men are idiots, and I married their King.
                        * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
                        * Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
                        * I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
                        * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
                        * Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
                        * No radio - Already stolen.
                        * Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
                        * I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
                        * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
                        * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
                        * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
                        * Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
                        * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
                        Lift big 2 get big
                        TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                        mod at bodybuilding.com
                        mod at iron-forum.com
                        mod at melanoplanet.com

                        Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                        So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                        "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                        Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                        Comment


                        • YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF...

                          1.Relatives who have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
                          2.You can achieve a "runner's high" by sitting up.
                          3.You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
                          4.The sun is too loud.
                          5.Trees begin chasing you.
                          6.You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
                          7.You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an IV drip solution of espresso.
                          8.You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
                          9.You can hear mimes.
                          10.You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
                          11.Things become "Very Clear."
                          12.You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
                          13.The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
                          14.You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
                          15.You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
                          16.You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
                          17.Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
                          18.David Lynch wants to base a new TV show on you.
                          19.You and Reality file for divorce.
                          20.It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code. although, if you go to MIT, this is not out of the ordinary) (Caltech too!).
                          21.You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
                          22.You can travel without moving.
                          23.Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
                          24.You discover the aesthetic beauty of school supplies.
                          25.You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.
                          26.Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
                          27.You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
                          Lift big 2 get big
                          TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                          mod at bodybuilding.com
                          mod at iron-forum.com
                          mod at melanoplanet.com

                          Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                          So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                          "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                          Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                          Comment


                          • Since Hunting season is upon us (I personally don't hunt, except for hidden goodies in the pantry) Here's one of my favorites
                            ----------------------------------------------------------
                            A husband goes deer hunting with friends every year, and, every year, the wife pleads to come along.
                            “No honey, it’s not for women” he always says.
                            Finally one year the wife says “If I don’t go this year, You don’t get any next year!”
                            So he concedes, much to the cajoling he receives from his friends.
                            The first day they are heading to the deer blind and , as they walk along the well traveled path, they spot a tree stump. “Here you are honey, sit here and if a deer walks by shoot it.”
                            They continue on to the blind, convinced that they are rid of her, at least for the day.
                            About two hours later they hear a gun shot. “No way”, they exclaim and rush to the area where they had left her.
                            When they get there they find her with a man pinned under her foot, the gun pointed at his head.
                            “It’s my deer I shot it, IT”S MY DEER” she is shouting at the man.
                            To which he replies ”OK Lady whatever you say, just let me get the saddle off it!”

                            Lift big 2 get big
                            TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                            mod at bodybuilding.com
                            mod at iron-forum.com
                            mod at melanoplanet.com

                            Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                            So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                            "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                            Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                            Comment


                            • A guy goes to hell, and is introduced to his punishment. A hot girl with big
                              boobs is sucking this guys dick (hes chained to the wall). The newcomer was
                              thinking "man, this kicks ass!" Then Satan says "okay, miss, your two years are
                              up!"
                              Jesus enters a hotel, sees the lady behind the desk, puts nails on the desk,
                              asks "can you put me up for the night?"
                              What do you call a leper in a bathtub? Stew.
                              Strength Training For Dummies: Squat eat sleep

                              Comment


                              • 100 REASONS IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY! > (No offense intended or implied)
                                1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
                                2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
                                3) You know stuff about tanks.
                                4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
                                5) Monday Night Football.
                                6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
                                7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
                                8) You can open all your own jars.
                                9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
                                10) Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
                                11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
                                12) Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.
                                13) All your orgasms are real.
                                14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
                                15) Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
                                16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
                                17) You understand why Stripes is funny.
                                18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
                                19) Your last name stays put.
                                20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
                                21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
                                22) You can kill your own food.
                                23) The garage is all yours.
                                24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
                                25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
                                26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
                                27) You never have to clean a toilet.
                                28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
                                29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
                                30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
                                31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
                                32) your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
                                33) The National College Cheerleading Championship.
                                34) You don't have to shave below your neck.
                                35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
                                36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
                                37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
                                38) You can write your name in the snow.
                                39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
                                40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
                                41) Chocolate is just another snack.
                                42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
                                43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
                                44) Flowers fix everything.
                                45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
                                46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
                                47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
                                48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
                                49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
                                50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
                                51) Foreplay is optional.
                                52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
                                53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
                                54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
                                55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
                                56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
                                57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.
                                58) You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
                                59) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.
                                60) The world is your urinal.
                                61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
                                62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.
                                63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
                                64) One mood, all the time
                                65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
                                66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
                                67) you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
                                68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
                                69) Same work...more pay!
                                70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
                                71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
                                72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
                                73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
                                74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
                                75) You don't mooch off others' desserts.
                                76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
                                77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.
                                78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
                                79) ESPN's SportsCenter.
                                80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
                                81) Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
                                82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
                                83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
                                84) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
                                85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
                                86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
                                87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it."
                                88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
                                89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
                                90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
                                91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
                                92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
                                93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
                                94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
                                95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
                                96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
                                97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
                                98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
                                99) Baywatch
                                100) There's always a game on somewhere.
                                10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING A GUY
                                1) You have to take out the garbage.
                                2) The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
                                3) No sofas in your rest rooms.
                                4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
                                5) Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
                                6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.
                                7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
                                8) You have to wear ties.
                                9) You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
                                10) "Women and children first."
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                                Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
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