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  • A Guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, "I'd like some Polish Sausage."
    The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you polish?"
    The guy says, "Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian??? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?"
    The clerk says "Well, no."
    The guys says, "WELL, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage????"
    The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."
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    Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
    So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
    "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
    Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

    Comment


    • Sick, Sick, Sick

      Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"
      Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."
      The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"
      The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"
      Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."
      The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.
      Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"
      The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
      The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"
      The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
      To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."
      Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"
      The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
      To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"
      The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."
      At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!"
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      TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
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      mod at iron-forum.com
      mod at melanoplanet.com

      Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
      So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
      "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
      Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

      Comment


      • Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
        The Priest says, " Is that you, Tommy?"
        "Yes, Father, it is I."
        "Who was the woman you were with?"
        "I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
        The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
        No, Father."
        "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
        "No, Father."
        "Was it Ann Brown?"
        "No, Father, I cannot tell you."
        The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
        Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "What happened?"
        Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
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        TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
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        mod at melanoplanet.com

        Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
        So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
        "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
        Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

        Comment


        • "too Much Of The 90's" Mentality

          SIGNS OF: "TOO MUCH OF THE 90'S" MENTALITY

          Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

          Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

          Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.

          You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

          You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

          Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

          You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

          You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.

          You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

          Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

          Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.

          You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

          You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.

          You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

          You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

          You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

          You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

          You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.

          You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

          You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

          You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

          You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
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          Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
          So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
          "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
          Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

          Comment


          • A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to
            help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
            One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
            Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
            Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing the paper between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
            "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replied.
            The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
            The husband shrugs. "Why not? It worked for your butt, didn't it?"
            He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.
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            TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
            mod at bodybuilding.com
            mod at iron-forum.com
            mod at melanoplanet.com

            Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
            So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
            "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
            Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

            Comment


            • Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
              Consider:
              You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a
              place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.
              You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.
              People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
              There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
              There is bull shit, dog shit, cat shit, bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, and horse shit. There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, slimy shit, rough shit, limp shit.
              You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit pink twinkies, shit marbles, or shit your guts out.
              You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, keep shit or serve shit on a shingle.
              You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
              Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plane shitty.
              There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and good shit. Some shit doesn't stink while other things really smell
              like shit.
              Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can be faster than shit or you can be slower than shit. Sometimes you'll find shit on a stick, sometimes you'll find shit everywhere, and then there are times when you can't find shit at all.
              You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit..
              You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit, have a mountain of shit, have a river of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
              You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some people just can't cut the shit.
              There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and serious shit.
              Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.
              You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass out the window and shit on the world. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
              Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet.
              And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
              Lift big 2 get big
              TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
              mod at bodybuilding.com
              mod at iron-forum.com
              mod at melanoplanet.com

              Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
              So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
              "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
              Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

              Comment


              • So True

                Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up; taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick!
                The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." Driver says, " I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
                The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick!
                The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish he would've tried that shit with me.'
                Lift big 2 get big
                TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                mod at bodybuilding.com
                mod at iron-forum.com
                mod at melanoplanet.com

                Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                Comment


                • A woman gets pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer.
                  When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball."
                  He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."
                  There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
                  Lift big 2 get big
                  TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                  mod at bodybuilding.com
                  mod at iron-forum.com
                  mod at melanoplanet.com

                  Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                  So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                  "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                  Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                  Comment


                  • Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
                    Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
                    Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
                    Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
                    Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
                    Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to
                    in the first place...
                    Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
                    Lift big 2 get big
                    TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                    mod at bodybuilding.com
                    mod at iron-forum.com
                    mod at melanoplanet.com

                    Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                    So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                    "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                    Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                    Comment


                    • These two redneck fellas think that they've moved pretty far up in the world, and that the only way that they can better themselves is to further their education. So the one goes to the college administrator to sign up for some classes. The administrator immediately signs him up for math, English, history, and logic.
                      " Logic? Was' logic?"
                      " Logic is, well, let me put it to you this way. Do you have a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then, since you have a weedeater, I can assume that you have a yard." "Well I'll be tarred and feathered! How did you know that?"
                      "I used logic. Now by going further, I can say that if you have a yard then you must have a house."
                      "By golly, you're right."
                      "And since you have a house, I can assume that you have a wife."
                      "Yeah, I do, you're amazing!"
                      "And finally, since you have a wife, I can come to the conclusion that you are heterosexual."
                      "I have been since before I can remember. Wow! This logic is some amazing stuff."
                      So the fella goes home that night and runs into his buddy, and his buddy asks:" So whad ya sign up fer?"
                      "Well I'm gonna take me some math, English, history and logic."
                      "Logic? Was' logic?"
                      "Here let me put it to you this way. You got a weedeater?"
                      "Nope."
                      "Yer queer, ain't ya?"
                      Lift big 2 get big
                      TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                      mod at bodybuilding.com
                      mod at iron-forum.com
                      mod at melanoplanet.com

                      Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                      So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                      "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                      Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                      Comment


                      • An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

                        One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

                        As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

                        The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."

                        Moral: Old men can still think fast.
                        Lift big 2 get big
                        TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                        mod at bodybuilding.com
                        mod at iron-forum.com
                        mod at melanoplanet.com

                        Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                        So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                        "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                        Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                        Comment


                        • Eight Words with Two Meanings
                          1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
                          Female......Any part under a car's hood.
                          Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

                          2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
                          Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
                          Male..........Playing football without a cup.

                          3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
                          Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
                          Male...........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

                          4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
                          Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
                          Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

                          5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
                          Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
                          Male..........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

                          6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
                          Female......An Embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
                          Male...........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

                          7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
                          Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
                          Male..........Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

                          8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
                          Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
                          Male..........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
                          Lift big 2 get big
                          TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                          mod at bodybuilding.com
                          mod at iron-forum.com
                          mod at melanoplanet.com

                          Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                          So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                          "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                          Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                          Comment


                          • A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail, a ticket for $40.00, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of two $20.00 bills. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another
                            picture of handcuffs.
                            **************************************************
                            A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the reason for it. A 10yr old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said: "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigation work led the officer to the boy's accomplice. Another 10yr old boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with sign reading: "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
                            Lift big 2 get big
                            TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                            mod at bodybuilding.com
                            mod at iron-forum.com
                            mod at melanoplanet.com

                            Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                            So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                            "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                            Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                            Comment


                            • A Cynics Guide to Life:
                              1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
                              2. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
                              3. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
                              4. Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
                              5. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
                              6. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
                              7. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
                              8. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
                              9. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
                              10. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
                              11. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
                              12. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
                              13. Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
                              14. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
                              15. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
                              16. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
                              17. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
                              18. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
                              19. Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
                              Lift big 2 get big
                              TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                              mod at bodybuilding.com
                              mod at iron-forum.com
                              mod at melanoplanet.com

                              Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                              So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                              "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                              Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                              Comment


                              • A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.
                                The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
                                The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
                                She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
                                Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
                                She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
                                She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
                                She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
                                The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
                                She asks, "What's that?"
                                The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
                                Lift big 2 get big
                                TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                                mod at bodybuilding.com
                                mod at iron-forum.com
                                mod at melanoplanet.com

                                Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                                So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                                "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                                Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                                Comment

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