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  • Sicko groaners:
    Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
    A: Ask your mom.

    Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
    A: Say, "Nice dick."
    Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
    A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

    Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
    A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
    Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
    A: Only if they don't work.
    Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
    A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
    Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
    A: Because they have cotton balls.
    Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
    A: A cock that stays up all night.
    Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. what do single guys have?
    A: Palm Sunday
    Q: Why is being in the military like a blow job?
    A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
    Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
    A: Miracle Whip.
    Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
    A: A bingo machine.

    Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
    A: Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blow job!
    Lift big 2 get big
    TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
    mod at bodybuilding.com
    mod at iron-forum.com
    mod at melanoplanet.com

    Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
    So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
    "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
    Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

    Comment


    • You Might Be a Redneck if...
      The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
      You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
      Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
      You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
      You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
      Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
      You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
      You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
      Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
      You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
      You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
      Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
      You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
      Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
      You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
      You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
      You take a six-pack cooler to church.
      You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
      The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
      You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
      One of your kids was born on a pool table.
      Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
      You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
      You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
      Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
      You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
      You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
      Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
      Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
      Lift big 2 get big
      TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
      mod at bodybuilding.com
      mod at iron-forum.com
      mod at melanoplanet.com

      Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
      So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
      "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
      Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

      Comment


      • The Pretzel Hold

        The Pretzel Hold
        Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event.
        It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.
        Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
        The wrestler nodded in agreement.
        Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
        The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
        The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.
        "So!" the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off did it?"
        "No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
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        TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
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        mod at melanoplanet.com

        Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
        So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
        "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
        Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

        Comment


        • lol, not ending i expected!
          "Well done is better than well said"





          Comment


          • A woman I know went to her Health Maintenance Organization. After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was and she explained.
            The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's is the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"
            The new doctor simply smiled and said, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
            Lift big 2 get big
            TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
            mod at bodybuilding.com
            mod at iron-forum.com
            mod at melanoplanet.com

            Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
            So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
            "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
            Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

            Comment


            • A day at the drug store

              The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
              against a wall. The owner asks the clerk : "What's with the guy over there
              by the wall?"

              The clerk responds : "Well, he came in here this morning to get something
              for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire
              bottle of laxative".

              The owner, wide -eyed and excited shouts : "You idiot! You can't treat a
              cough with a bottle of laxatives".

              The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can, look at him he's afraid to
              cough."

              Comment


              • You could be next

                On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they
                award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with
                someone. If the contestant answers yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet
                highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of
                their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner
                answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One
                particular game, however, several months ago made the City of
                Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the
                funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down.

                DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'MateMatch'?"
                Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
                DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida ,if you win. What is your name? First only please."
                Contestant: "Brian."
                DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
                Brian: "Yes."
                DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
                Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
                DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
                Brian: "Sara."
                DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
                Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
                DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
                Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
                DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
                Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
                DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
                Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
                DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
                Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well...
                DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
                Brian: "About 10 minutes."
                DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.
                Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
                DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
                Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
                DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
                Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a
                couple of weeks..."
                DJ: "Uh huh..."
                Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
                DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
                Brian: "On the kitchen table."
                DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times
                I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
                work number and call her up. You listen to this." (3 minutes of commercials follow.)
                DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones ringing....)
                Clerk: "Kinkos."
                DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"
                Clerk: "This is she.
                DJ: "Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now
                and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
                Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
                DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
                give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of Mate
                match'?"
                Sara: "No."
                DJ: "Good!"
                Brian: (laughing)
                Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
                Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
                DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your
                answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando,
                Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic
                game. The whole deal. Get it Sara?"
                Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
                Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
                DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your
                answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando,
                Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic
                game. The whole deal. Get it Sara?"
                Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
                DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect
                his manhood . We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a
                trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
                Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
                DJ: "Where did you have it?"
                Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
                Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
                DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"
                Sara: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."
                DJ: "She saw?"
                Sara: "BRIAN?!"
                Brian: "No, no I didn't..."
                DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer, please?"
                Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
                Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."
                DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"
                Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."
                (long, long pause)
                DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

                Comment


                • Lmfao
                  Lift big 2 get big
                  TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                  mod at bodybuilding.com
                  mod at iron-forum.com
                  mod at melanoplanet.com

                  Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                  So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                  "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                  Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                  Comment


                  • Where is the money?
                    The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
                    Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.
                    The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
                    The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
                    The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
                    The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
                    The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
                    The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."
                    The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
                    The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ."
                    The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
                    Lift big 2 get big
                    TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                    mod at bodybuilding.com
                    mod at iron-forum.com
                    mod at melanoplanet.com

                    Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                    So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                    "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                    Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                    Comment


                    • WHAT, EXACTLY, ARE THOSE CURIOUS ANIMALS CALLED CATS?
                      1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
                      2. They rarely listen to you.
                      3. They're totally unpredictable.
                      4. They whine when they are not happy.
                      5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
                      6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
                      7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
                      8. They're moody.
                      9. They leave their hair everywhere
                      10. They drive you nuts.
                      Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
                      Lift big 2 get big
                      TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                      mod at bodybuilding.com
                      mod at iron-forum.com
                      mod at melanoplanet.com

                      Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                      So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                      "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                      Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                      Comment


                      • Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.
                        Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.
                        Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball.
                        It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is
                        falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
                        Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."
                        Last edited by ctgblue; 02-02-2005, 08:18 AM.
                        Lift big 2 get big
                        TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                        mod at bodybuilding.com
                        mod at iron-forum.com
                        mod at melanoplanet.com

                        Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                        So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                        "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                        Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                        Comment


                        • A couple, age 67, went to a sex therapists office. The doctor asked "What can I do for you?"
                          The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
                          The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $32.
                          This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
                          Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
                          The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house; I'm married, and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32, and I get $28 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office!"
                          Lift big 2 get big
                          TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                          mod at bodybuilding.com
                          mod at iron-forum.com
                          mod at melanoplanet.com

                          Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                          So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                          "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                          Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                          Comment


                          • 1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants

                            2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

                            3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.

                            4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

                            5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

                            6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

                            7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

                            8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

                            9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

                            10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

                            11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

                            12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

                            13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

                            14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

                            15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

                            16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

                            17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

                            18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

                            19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
                            Lift big 2 get big
                            TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                            mod at bodybuilding.com
                            mod at iron-forum.com
                            mod at melanoplanet.com

                            Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                            So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                            "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                            Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                            Comment


                            • MEN / WOMEN: TEN DIFFERENCES
                              1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
                              2. Men wake up as good-looking as they were when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
                              3. A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn’t want.
                              4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
                              5. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
                              6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
                              7. There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman; before marriage and after marriage.
                              8. Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
                              9. Any married man should forget his mistakes--no use in two people remembering the same thing.
                              10. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
                              Lift big 2 get big
                              TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                              mod at bodybuilding.com
                              mod at iron-forum.com
                              mod at melanoplanet.com

                              Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                              So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                              "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                              Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                              Comment


                              • Some things you just can't explain

                                A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
                                Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
                                Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
                                Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
                                Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?
                                Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
                                Man: So then what happened.
                                Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her.
                                Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
                                Man: Again?
                                Farmer: Some things ya just can't explain.
                                Man: So, what did you do then?
                                Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
                                Man: So then what did you do?
                                Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.
                                Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
                                Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
                                Man: So then what did you do.
                                Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
                                Lift big 2 get big
                                TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                                mod at bodybuilding.com
                                mod at iron-forum.com
                                mod at melanoplanet.com

                                Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                                So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                                "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                                Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                                Comment

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