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  • Life/job advice

    Haven't posted in awhile, but I have still been around. Life is funny in that it often takes you through different stages that tend to alter your priorities. I have been at that point lately, and I know this is the internet, but I also know there are some great people here that have given good solid life advice in the past, so I was hoping to receive some input here. So, if you don't mind reading a bit, I'd love any input, and let's not forget the site we're at, so please fire away. Blunt truths are oftentimes the best. (My wife is also involved and would like feedback as well)

    Ok, so here goes. Several months ago, I was just finishing up my undergrad (I'm 30, but I did the military thing for my 20's), and was tossing my resume around, both for jobs that matched my physiology degree, and some of the military stuff I did. Didn't hear back from most of those, so I decided to keep using the GI Bill for grad school, and got a job working in banking during the day. The pay is decent, and the company is awesome.

    Last week I found out that a) my wife is pregnant; and b) I got a very good job offer for a company based in Virginia relating to my military career work.

    Here is where the decision part comes in:

    1)-As part of the job, I'd have to do a year in Afghanistan. (I've deployed before in the military so I'm not concerned with the location, per se...) Then I'd come back and continue employment in VA... We currently live in TX, and my wife has a great job with an accounting firm here so she's not super keen on leaving her job etc... BUT

    2)-She'd like to take some extended time off after the baby is here for understandable reasons, WHICH would not be possible without the income I'd get from going to Afghanistan, which would set me up to provide for all of us, which is not something we can do under current circumstances.

    3)-She has family in Virginia that would love for us to move there and she would have the support she'd need while I'm gone during the pregnancy.

    4)-I have family in TX that could fulfill some of those things.

    So, this is where we're stuck... do we:

    a)- I quit my very secure, decent paying job, go to AFG for the year, then quit that job to come back to TX where she could go back to her job after her extended leave, and I start job hunting from scratch?

    b)- quit my job, do the AFG thing, stay on with the company in Va, have her quit her job, move to Va and start a life there then have her find new work after her extended leave? OR

    c)- neither of us quit, we both stay where we are, and pretty much just make ends meet with our current situation, which would not leave room for saving, planning, etc... at least not in the near future.

    I think we've narrowed it down to A or B, and I've told her the ultimate decision will rest with her. I can make do anywhere really.

    I know that's alot, but I do appreciate any opinions, ideas, other options that you think may exist that we've overlooked etc.

    Thanks guys and gals,

  • #2
    Might sound lame, but when I'm faced with decisions of this magnitude, I pray about it... May sound strange, but the answers seem to come...


    • #3
      Thanks for that. Don't think its lame at all. I appreciate your thoughts.


      • #4
        B. if you're not moving forward, you're going nowhere.
        You're perfect, yes it's true. But without're only you.


        • #5
          Well, first off congratulations to you and your wife on expecting a little bundle of joy. :preggers:

          Is this a decision that has a time limit on it?
          Would you be able to miss the birth of your child (first one, I presume)?
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          • #6
            Thanks Rage. I like that statement, and TLo, thanks and yes, probably should have added that about the timing. The position is a hot fill, I'd have to report on the 3rd of Jan. There is about 60 days worth of training then Afghanistan. I'd be able to take some PTO for the delivery, but I'd miss most of the pregnancy, which is kind of bummer missing the milestones like appointments, sonograms, etc.

            FWIW, the wife isn't averse to my leaving, especially knowing how it could really secure us financially. I'd make in a year, what it would take almost 4 years to make at current job. She didn't like the idea of leaving her current job though, but I know you can't have everything...


            • #7
              B. if you're not moving forward, you're going nowhere
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              • #8
                Assuming you've covered all the angles, and this is probably a bit cheesy and dramatic, but...

                Take a coin. Make heads A, make tails B. Flip the coin in the air. While the coin is flipping in the air, did she hope for A or B? Whatever it is, do that. That's what she really wants.

                ...I can picture a cheesy romance comedy doing this...
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                • #9
                  I just came in to say hi and congrats on the baby.
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                  • #10
                    I think USUALLY in situations like this you already know what you want to do or have a very good idea and you simply want someone to back it up for you.

                    Honestly, more money and that sort of thing isn't always the best move. Example: Putting aside a good opportunity might tell your wife that spending the pregnancy with her is more important. If you don't take this opportunity it doesn't mean another one won't present itself in the next 6 months or even the next couple of years.

                    At the same time, I am certainly not talking you out of making a decision that could set you up well and be what you both consider the best move. I am just saying that all decisions shouldn't be made strictly for financial reasons.


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                    • #11
                      I'd say go with the option that sets you and your family up for the best future. Option A has some good front end benefits (the extra money for going to AFG) but then you would need to look for another job and given the market today that may be a tough thing in a year( or maybe not...who really knows), maybe the job you find is in actuality a step back and you make less than when you left for AFG.

                      To me "B" seems like the best choice. You get a financial boost from going to AFG, a secure job when you return, and your wife will be able to take the time away from working while she is pregnant and after she has a the baby.

                      I wish you the best of luck in your decision AND in becoming a's an amazing thing to be called Daddy!!


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                      • #12
                        Michael - Glad to see you back around! Congrats on the baby!

                        I think deep down in your gut, as Skip was pretty much saying, you know what you want to do and what is right. But sometimes hearing other points of view can help you either considered something that you overlooked and/or give your the reinforcement to feel condifent about moving forward with a decision.

                        I don't have experience on this front, but I would say you and your wife need to look at how your deployment will really affect her, your marriage and the birth of your child. You said, that she understood and was OK with the deployment, but take some time and think about what you two will look back on during this time.

                        Will there be any kind of negative emotions or resentment that you were not present for the birth of your child? or Will you be able to look back and say, in order to enjoy the life we wanted and allow for mommy to take care of baby, daddy made a great sacrifice by spending a year in AFG, but now he is able to spend with the family and the family is comfortable?

                        Good luck Michael!

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                        • #13
                          Michael, I understand your situation very well as i recently went through the same stage. I served 6 active duty and currently about to end my last year in the reserves. Last year I contemplated the same thing. It was very difficult finding a good paying job even remotely close to what I was making in the military and I received a job offer as a contractor in Afghan with a 6 figure contract requiring me to be gone a minimun of 1 year. It seemed like a good idea at first and yes you def start to think about all the great things you could do with that much money assuming you are able to same a large portion of it while you are away but being married and deployed is beyond a burden on your marriage. Regardless of what anyone say's, being deployed is hell on your mind and being away is Hell on your heart! I would like to understand why you seperated in the first place? For me, I was done making all the sacrifices the military requires and for me to take this job would have been more sacrifices and more pain on my marriage. Marriages aren't bullet proof and despite what the rest of the world will tell you, I don't believe they can be easily replaced. In my opinion, This is a time in your life when your wife needs you the most through prenancy and your child desperatly needs her father especially for the earliest stage of thier life. Money is good, but it's not everything and it can't make up for the lost time with your family.
                          Good luck with this decision brother! What branch were you in by the way?


                          • #14

                            Just keep this in mind: You only have one opportunity to raise your family. You don't want to look back and say, "I wish we would have done this differently".

                            I know you will make the right decision. Best of luck to you brother!
                            2014 USPA Nevada State / Regional Championships - 1,168 total

                            2014 USPA National Championships - 1,235 total

                            2014 Village Gym Meet - 1,260 total

                            2015 USPA Camp Pendleton Meet - 1,235 total



                            • #15

                              I'd think about the "near" maybe a bit more. If you can stay together, make it through OK for the time being and get through grad school, will this mean that you've got equivalent opportunities financially in a couple years that you'll enjoy doing much more?...

                              My grad school, Mentor (not the one you may know there in TX), used to say to us regarding what we did with our academic careers that he didn't care if we were "diggin' ditches" as long as we were happy.

                              I'm guessing that you're not in the "line of business" with the military for a reason still, perhaps relating to the above...


                              P.S. Just for perspective, this is coming from a guy who'd rather live on the streets with my dogs (my immediate family as of now) than in a $1mill. home alone... (Seriously.)
                              Last edited by homonunculus; 12-14-2012, 12:58 PM.
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