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  • Cheating or not? Big deal or not?

    Some of you may know that I have already been married 2.5 years, but we are having the actual ceremony in 2 months.

    I wanted a low key bachelor weekend with my friends in AC, so that is exactly what I got. No strippers nor doing crazy shit just because it is a bachelor party. It was just like any other weekend with the guys in AC.

    Last night we ended up at mur.mur at the Borgata. Now, for anyone who has been there, you know it is pretty wild. You can't hear shit, so the only thing to do is dance...which I did. 99% of the time, I was dancing alone but a couple of times girls would come up to me and grind on me. I would tell them I am married and show them my ring, so there were no bad intentions from me at all. It wasn't like I was looking for girls and going up to them or finding one girl and dancing with her the entire night. Wasn't like that at all... With that being said, I was still a MALE with a few drinks in my system, so sometimes the dancing would go on a little longer than it should have.

    Anyway, I just got home today and my wife notices I have zero voice so it must have been a wild night. She starts asking questions and since I am a terrible liar, I just told her what happened and what I did, even though I know she would get pissed. I figured it is better I tell her than her finding out somehow later.

    It was an awful fight...easily the worst we have had since we've been together, which is 4 years. I really thought for a second that the wedding would be off, it was that bad. The reaction was like I banged 5 strippers after I snorted cocaine off their chests and then proceeded to contract HIV. For the first time since we started dating in 2008, she MADE me hand her my phone. It was really awkward.

    Here is the way I see it and was my argument. I did admit that I probably shouldn't have danced at all and just told them immediately that I was married...But my argument against her reaction was this..

    1) It was a bachelor party, it could be a THOUSAND times worse. I have never cheated on any girl in my life and never will. To me, what I did was not cheating, but I can see why it would piss someone off.

    2) I wasn't looking for girls. Girls were coming up to me as I was dancing alone. After a few seconds, I would tell them I was married and off they went. To me there is a HUGE difference between that and dancing with a girl the entire night. There is intent in the latter case IMO. There was no intent in my case. I will admit the only reason I let the dancing go for even a few seconds was to just prove to myself that I still have it. Yeah pretty weak excuse, but I KNOW some of the married guys on here can relate to that. You don't want to actually cheat, but it certainly feels good knowing you still have it.

    Now I left that part off when I was explaining it to my wife...not sure how'd she'd like it. I did put myself in her shoes and agreed I wouldn't like it if she did that either, but I am pretty sure I'd get over it, especially if it was just once (I basically never go out to clubs..once every 2 year type deal for me). It was the first time I danced with any other girl besides her since we started dating.

    Sorry, long winded.
    Last edited by SkinnyMike42; 08-26-2012, 08:57 PM.

  • #2
    Just give her some time to cool down.
    #docswholift
    PGY-1 FM
    "No idea is above scrutiny and no people are beneath dignity." -Maajid Nawaz

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    • #3
      Lol, certainly not cheating IMO.

      Been with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years now. It's sometimes very difficult to go out with my boys to a frat party when they are all single and I'm not. Parties, clubs, etc are made for single people.

      I usually do end up talking to a few girls and yea you could say its pretty flirty. I don't ever ask for a number or make physical contact or anything like that. It's for fun--a check to make sure I still have "it." Tbh though I act the same way I would if I were talking to a girl in class or whatever.

      dancing is tricky. my girlfriend doesn't dance but I like to, but IMO if you're doing Step Up 2 The Streets-type grinding then that is a bit questionable. Fwiw, I don't dance with other girls.

      for a bachelor party, that seems quite tame. I know some of my friends have even shrugged off random make outs by their partners if it was a night out lol.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by nexa View Post
        Just give her some time to cool down.
        It is much better now...she dropped a hint that I need to go get measured for my tux, so that's a good sign. Still not talking to me though.

        Originally posted by ch3v3ll3 View Post
        Lol, certainly not cheating IMO.

        Been with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years now. It's sometimes very difficult to go out with my boys to a frat party when they are all single and I'm not. Parties, clubs, etc are made for single people.

        I usually do end up talking to a few girls and yea you could say its pretty flirty. I don't ever ask for a number or make physical contact or anything like that. It's for fun--a check to make sure I still have "it." Tbh though I act the same way I would if I were talking to a girl in class or whatever.

        dancing is tricky. my girlfriend doesn't dance but I like to, but IMO if you're doing Step Up 2 The Streets-type grinding then that is a bit questionable. Fwiw, I don't dance with other girls.

        for a bachelor party, that seems quite tame. I know some of my friends have even shrugged off random make outs by their partners if it was a night out lol.
        No it was not that type of grinding lol. If any of that type of grinding occurred, it literally was 2 seconds and it was of the girl's doing, not mine. For the majority of the time, there was a foot or two of space.

        I went out with 5 other dudes. 1 is basically married, just bought a house with her. Made out with girl on the floor and more and then just called his girl that night like nothing happened. 1 is casually dating a girl. Made out with a girl on the floor.

        As for the party being tame, they all kept commenting on how my wife is lucky because of how I acted. Tons of temptation...

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        • #5
          What would your reaction be if other dudes were grinding on your wife?
          You're perfect, yes it's true. But without me...you're only you.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by RageBlanket View Post
            What would your reaction be if other dudes were grinding on your wife?
            I don't think any guy would like that, but my reaction depends on the context. If it were her bachelorette party and she did exactly what I did, I probably would just be mildly annoyed.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by SkinnyMike42 View Post
              I don't think any guy would like that, but my reaction depends on the context. If it were her bachelorette party and she did exactly what I did, I probably would just be mildly annoyed.
              Since you're dealing with a woman, take your (theoretical) emotional response, multiply by 10.

              In all seriousness, I don't see it as cheating, but you have definitely (IMHO) wandered into the territory of "disrespectful", which I'd wager is her bitch about the situation.

              However, if she hasn't stabbed you in the face over it, I'll bet she cools off and you move past it...but you'll hear about it FOR EV ER.
              You're perfect, yes it's true. But without me...you're only you.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by RageBlanket View Post
                Since you're dealing with a woman, take your (theoretical) emotional response, multiply by 10.

                In all seriousness, I don't see it as cheating, but you have definitely (IMHO) wandered into the territory of "disrespectful", which I'd wager is her bitch about the situation.

                However, if she hasn't stabbed you in the face over it, I'll bet she cools off and you move past it...but you'll hear about it FOR EV ER.
                Exactly the word she used after we agreed it wasn't cheating.

                Oh ya, she has 10 years of ammo for any future fight now.

                I am pretty sure if I actually cheated, I wouldn't have been able to make this thread.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by SkinnyMike42 View Post
                  Exactly the word she used after we agreed it wasn't cheating.

                  Oh ya, she has 10 years of ammo for any future fight now.

                  I am pretty sure if I actually cheated, I wouldn't have been able to make this thread.
                  Be as contrite as possible, eat the humble pie and kiss some ass. You might cut 3-4 years off your sentence for good behavior.
                  You're perfect, yes it's true. But without me...you're only you.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by RageBlanket View Post
                    What would your reaction be if other dudes were grinding on your wife?
                    I'd agree with this. My only caveat, is that given your description, it is a critical detail that the women approached you. It'd be a totally different situation if your wife(or you) was the woman/grinder/initiator.

                    That said, I'd be pissed, but wouldn't call it cheating.

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                    • #11
                      The following question is guaranteed 100% to make things better.

                      "Baby you mad because you think I cheated, or you mad because I look SO DAMN GOOD?".
                      You're perfect, yes it's true. But without me...you're only you.

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                      • #12
                        My wife is hot, I don't dance, if we go out she dances whilst I speak shit to anyone who will listen, she dances with girls but if a guy starts dancing with her I'm fine. If they get a little frisky she tells them she is married, if they say stupid shit like I don't have to find out then she just points me out to them and asks if they really want to take the chance.

                        I wear my enganement and wedding ring on a chain around my neck. It is very open. If a girl starts talking to me I always drop that I am married fairly quickly. Some time I point to the rings and say I've been married twice but they could be lucky lady 3. End of conversation.

                        You, my friend, did fine. Without seeing the CCTV I would pass your actions without hesitation.
                        "Be gentle in what you do, firm in how you do it."
                        Buck Brannaman.

                        "It is the certainty of punishment that deters crime, not the severity of it."
                        'Hanging' Judge PARKER

                        "Nothing is so powerful as an insight into human nature... what compulsions drive a man, what instincts dominate his action... if you know these things about a man you can touch him at the core of his being."
                        ~William Bernbach

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                        • #13
                          Keeping tabs and constantly bringing up old news whenever a new argument occurs would drive me insane.
                          #docswholift
                          PGY-1 FM
                          "No idea is above scrutiny and no people are beneath dignity." -Maajid Nawaz

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                          • #14
                            Definitely not cheating. I see her problem with the grinding, but she should get over it. If you guys are going to get married you both are going to need to trust each other. I learned the hard way that distrust can breed problems. You can't keep something from happening by being jealous. I'm pretty lucky that my wife and I don't get jealous with each other, but it took a lot of failed relationships to learn how to be that way with each other. It sounds like you guys are going to be fine though.
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                            • #15
                              Dancing is dancing. When you go to a club, grinding should be expected. It is not any kind of emotional connection and it is just playful fun. period. Now, if someone started grinding on you and kissing your neck and asking you to go back their room and you let it persist, then it might be crossing the line, but you did nothing wrong and only acted as one would expect at a club.

                              SO what, you are dancing...you have a good time...it is over. Nothing happens between you two except what goes on on the dance floor.

                              Let her cool down and see what happens. She should see it was just you having fun and nothing else.
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