Help!

[JohnnyBravo]

Hi guys, I don't post much anymore. However, I am about to get real serious. Currently, I am engaged to a girl who I've been dating for about 3.5 years. She has threatened on and off that she is so miserable she might hurt herself.

Today, she indicated that she was considering suicide, and I don't know what to do. I do love her, but I am falling out of "romantic" love and starting to just want to help her at this point. I know that would just make it worse, so I can't break up with her now. I tried to tell her to get help, I told her I would force her if I could, but I can't and I need her to do it for herself. The problem is she won't. Her main argumetn when I bring up drugs or therapy is that it doesn't work for her mom or aunt. I told her to try but she won't listen. She thinks that she isn't exceptional or special in any way and that no one likes her unless she tries really hard and even then they only tolerate her. As you might assume, I tried to convince her otherwise (and likely failed).

Now I won't bullshit you and pretend I'm perfect. I've not always been the nicest or the most understanding. I can be a real asshole at times. She says it isn't my fault, but I know I could have done better. I want to do the right thing now, but I would like some advice from people outside the situation. Since I don't wanna drag anyone IRL into this, I thought I'd ask here. You don't know me, so you can be objective.

I will accept all serious advice, but please don't post anything sarcastic, insulting or making light of the situation. It isn't a funny situation.

[TLopez]

Tough situation. I can tell you from personal experience that in order to accept help you have to want it. I was a really heavy drinker for a long time. People can try to help and tell you that you need to stop with the self destructive behavior, but you have to want to make a change for youself. Probably not a response you wanted, but you can only do so much. She has to want to better herself before she will be willing to listen to advice. I hope all works out for you two.

[theroymccoy]

There really isn't much else you can do, man. As TLopez stated, she has to want to get help. No amount of banging your head against the wall will change her.

I have a dear friend who also had an alcohol problem and went to the hospital twice because of it...liver problems and then heart problems. And he's still drinking. I'm pissed as hell at him, tried to help him, but he still drinks. Hell, he drank right after he got out of the hospital the second time. Sometimes you just have to save your energy and let go. If they find help, great...if they don't, it was and is not your fault nor responsibility.

You will read this and think "fuck you theroymccoy, I'll find a way"...and I hope you do. But honestly, I've seen this situation play out way too many times and the outcome is always the same.

Good luck.

[JohnnyBravo]

Tough situation. I can tell you from personal experience that in order to accept help you have to want it. I was a really heavy drinker for a long time. People can try to help and tell you that you need to stop with the self destructive behavior, but you have to want to make a change for youself. Probably not a response you wanted, but you can only do so much. She has to want to better herself before she will be willing to listen to advice. I hope all works out for you two.

Thanks TLopez. I just don't know what to do, kind of at the end of my rope.

There really isn't much else you can do, man. As TLopez stated, she has to want to get help. No amount of banging your head against the wall will change her.

I have a dear friend who also had an alcohol problem and went to the hospital twice because of it...liver problems and then heart problems. And he's still drinking. I'm pissed as hell at him, tried to help him, but he still drinks. Hell, he drank right after he got out of the hospital the second time. Sometimes you just have to save your energy and let go. If they find help, great...if they don't, it was and is not your fault nor responsibility.

You will read this and think "fuck you theroymccoy, I'll find a way"...and I hope you do. But honestly, I've seen this situation play out way too many times and the outcome is always the same.

Good luck.

Nah, I don't think fuck you, I am running out of patience and ability to deal with it. I really want to help, but I feel like I can't while I am in the relationship, and I just cant deal with it any more, but at the same time, I just can't leave in good faith knowing that she says that'd put her over the edge, with the embarassment of telling everyone, etc.



Another question, is that she always gets "better" a few hours later. I mean she still seems depressed but not as much. and she says she feels better, but she still says shes been thinking about it for weeks. I dunno what to do about this, because it seems like its getting better, but then little stuff sets her off.

I guess the real problem is that in most situations, I'd see the logic of leave and hope she gets better, but I'm 99% sure, (and I've asked her if she would like to break up with me to make it better for her and she says no) that would just make it worse, so I can't justify doing that.

Sorry for the rant everybody, I just don't know what to do.

[Adam2433]

Gotta put yourself first sometimes even when it's really hard and hurts someone else in the process.

[steel1970]

Gotta put yourself first sometimes even when it's really hard and hurts someone else in the process.

I agree.....sometimes the best help you can give someone is to move on and let them sort things out on their own....you can't save anyone that doesn't want to be saved.....she's obviously got issues to deal with, prob some that you can't help her with.....when she's ready, she'll reach out to someone, or she may never, but you can't make her want help......

[Arkbuilder]

My first suggestion, and since this is pretty serious I hope you can do this ASAP, is to bring in one of her loved ones to help with the situation. I know she's probably given you the, "Swear you won't tell anyone." thing, but it doesn't matter now, if she's having those thoughts, you have to break that promise of silence.

You have to stop holding yourself responsible for this, too. That's why I think getting someone else (in her family) involved will help to remove you from the situation.
Sure, if you don't want to break up with her, don't. But it's important that those loved ones seek professional help for her. You might find that after she passes what she's going through that your feelings for her return. Either way, creating space between you will probably help you both at this time. Don't be remorseful.

She won't find the help she needs on her own. She's at a stage (suicidal) where she needs intervention. Get the family involved.

[JohnnyBravo]

Gotta put yourself first sometimes even when it's really hard and hurts someone else in the process.

Adam, I don't mean to question you, and I understand where you are coming from, but I need to ask whether your advice would differ if I felt I had been putting myself first beforehand and that may have contributed? (not caused it exactly, but it didn't help)

I agree.....sometimes the best help you can give someone is to move on and let them sort things out on their own....you can't save anyone that doesn't want to be saved.....she's obviously got issues to deal with, prob some that you can't help her with.....when she's ready, she'll reach out to someone, or she may never, but you can't make her want help......

thanks Steel. Advice taken, I agree that I can't help her with everything, I am just afraid of moving on and then finding out that I made it worse. I sort of feel like there is putting yourself first and then there is taking that too far, and I don't want to go too far and actively hurt her.

My first suggestion, and since this is pretty serious I hope you can do this ASAP, is to bring in one of her loved ones to help with the situation. I know she's probably given you the, "Swear you won't tell anyone." thing, but it doesn't matter now, if she's having those thoughts, you have to break that promise of silence.

You have to stop holding yourself responsible for this, too. That's why I think getting someone else (in her family) involved will help to remove you from the situation.
Sure, if you don't want to break up with her, don't. But it's important that those loved ones seek professional help for her. You might find that after she passes what she's going through that your feelings for her return. Either way, creating space between you will probably help you both at this time. Don't be remorseful.

She won't find the help she needs on her own. She's at a stage (suicidal) where she needs intervention. Get the family involved.

Arkbuilder, I thought about this, but both her mom and aunt are already on anti-depressants. They are really the only two who would be equipped to handle this.

Apparently it is a huge fear of hers to end up like them (unhappy even on anti-depressants), so I fear bringing them in might just make it worse.





I guess the other thing that complicates it for me is that I have gone out of my way to be exceptionally nice to her after the breakdown this morning and it has really helped, even though she is still making jokes about killing herself. I really wish I could just back off and be there for her as a friend to help her through it but she is so opposed to that.


Is it totally unethical to be there for her the same way I have always been, try to be really nice and supportive now, while distancing myself emotionally and mentally without telling anyone? Almost like moving on without telling her. It feels wrong and I still have feelings for her, but I do need some space and some time....yes I see how this could go wrong...

[JohnnyBravo]

I hope I don't seem like I am ignoring anyone's advice, I am definitely taking the advice given, and thank everyone for it. I am just thinking aloud so that anyone who sees this can get the whole situation nrather than having to guess at the details...

[Lee Salado]

I have lost 2 VERY CLOSE friends to suicide.

THE DETAILS DON'T MATTER.
When a person is seriously contemplating suicide, it no longer up to them to WANT to get help. They simply cannot WANT help at this point.

It is up to the people who know and love them to get them help, even if by force.

When my friend Matt hung himself, I saw it coming. I talked to him about it and figured that was enough. I did my part. Well, not a day goes by that I don't wish I had removed that choice from his hands.

Talk to her family, call the police, and have her held against her will for observation on a psychiatric ward. You may just save her life.


You have to understand that when a person is so depressed that they consider suicide, they are in such a thick fog that they cannot see through it.

Don't expect to talk her into making a rational decision to get help. Get the help for her.


And if you are engaged to be married, and this depression is what makes you want to turn your back on her, then you are a dirt-bag in my opinion.


Either way, if you want to help her, get the hell off of this muscle-building internet message board and call your local mental health services.

Suicide is something you don't want to fucking take lightly.

[thedunhill225]

First, what lee said!

The fact is everyone can say "oh put yourself first....blah blah blah...." Well do that and think this....how will you handle.it if she does do something after you "put yourself first"?? If you can go 'oh well, hey I tried' then would would be the dirtiest of dirt bags.

The reality is you HAVE to treat it like its real and serious as hell (now the odds are that it is not but more on that in a min). Next time she is making any serious statements or threats about killing herself make the phone call and when they show up tell her "I care so much about you that I am scared shitless that you will hurt yourself, I had no choice" now she will act mad as hell and act pissed but a cpl things may happen-one is if it is 100% real is that she may get the help she needs and the other is that if its all about attention (as I said you MUST ASSUME IT'S REAL...but why do you think your attention seemed to help so much??? hmmm) then maybe she will get the help she needs for that and realize that its negative attention she is seeking. She may be more willing to see someone if the option is being held for observation again. It's also not just about if she means it or not but why she is either .hurting enough to think like that or why she needs the attention so much...she should get help for either.

I could go on and on about human nature and what is PROBABLY going on in her head but you must take any suicide threat as real....again how would you feel if she is serious.

No veiled threats here, if she says it again call for help and just tell her you could not handle something happening to her if you did nothing.

BTW and this is NOT a joke...was she always like this or did this start after you guys were engaged?? What else was going on when this started?

Good luck.

[Adam2433]

He's a young kid not equipped to handle the situation clinically or emotionally. By putting himself first he needs to put the situation in the hands of those more equipped to handle it and remove himself from the equation. He admitted to losing romantic feelings for her and no longer being in love. If that's the case than staying with her out of pity is just worse.

Let professionals such as counselors, psychologist, doctors... You know people who are trained experts... Handle it.

Not self proclaimed internet message board psych gurus.

[thedunhill225]

Um.... Said that several times.

[p2geo]

You can have her fall under "baker-act". I lost a really closes friend to suicide aswell.

Damn do I wish a would have heard my cell phone go off that night.

She is a ticking time bomb brother, let the medical auithorities know as soon as you can.

[rip2009]

I've also lost a friend to suicide... and I understand how you feel about not being "romantically" in love, but, listen, you need to get her help before you break up. I agree with Dunhill. If you get her medical help, I think she could turn around fast. Professionals actually help a lot of the time. Then, after you get help, you should break up. If you don't do all that you can do, then you may regret it later. Doing what's best for you NOW may not be what's best for you OVERALL. The best thing now is not always the best thing for the future (just think about how our gov't has been behaving!!! lol.) But, seriously bud just be strong for her and get her help ASAP.

I wish you the best.