Girlfriend molested as child

[Orion]

Okay, so i know this is sort of a strange place to seek advice on matters such as these, but i don't think it could hurt and i really don't know who else to go to.

So, the other night my girlfriend came home to me, pretty drunk from being out with her girlfriends. She has always been a bit troubled. Hard to get close to and just very unwilling to let anyone in.
But all is good this night and we go to bed, and i, sober, begin to ''cuddle'' a bit with her. But she seems pretty uncomfortable and unwilling, pushing my hands away as she sometimes does. This really annoys me and i make a crack about her acting like she was molested as a child. She then goes completely quiet and stiff as a board. I get really nervous and try to talk to her, but all she does is lie there. I look over her shoulder and shes crying her eyes out into the pillow. I keep asking her what's wrong and that i really ger concerned when she reacts like this, but she just tells me to lie down and go to sleep and that she doesn't want to talk about anything.
The next morning she's sobered up, but doesn't say a word. I try to hold her and i ask her to say something, but she just ignores me.
She leaves, and a couple of hours later she sends me a text where she writes that she is sorry about everything, and that she just can't talk about it, but that her rich-ass asshole of a fucking father used to have his ''hands down her pants'', as she wrote, when she was a little girl.

First of all, i feel like ripping the fucking throat out of anyone who could do that to his own little girl. I've only met her dad once, because he travels alot. She's this very skinny, very beautiful dark-skinned girl with the bluest eyes in the world. I really like her.

But what the hell do i do? She's never told anyone, and she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I have told her that we NEED to talk about it. I just don't know how to get past something like that? We're both 19, and she still lives with her parents

[Macho Man]

Why do you NEED to talk about it? It's not like you guys are about to get married from the sounds of it, and it is her baggage, not yours.

She will talk about it when she is ready. If you are just supportive of her and tell her that you won't push the issue but are there to talk about it if she is ever ready to, that will be enough. When I say supportive, I mean SUPPORTIVE. That means not taking it personally when she pushes you away (it isn't about you), not pushing issues she is uncomfortable with, and not expecting her to change anything about herself before she chooses to do so on her own.

My guess is, if she ever deals with that demon at all, it will be when she gets a little older, more mature, and more confident in/comfortable with who she is as a woman.

[Sammich]

Get out now.

Trust me.

[Orion]

Why do you NEED to talk about it? It's not like you guys are about to get married from the sounds of it, and it is her baggage, not yours.

She will talk about it when she is ready. If you are just supportive of her and tell her that you won't push the issue but are there to talk about it if she is ever ready to, that will be enough. When I say supportive, I mean SUPPORTIVE. That means not taking it personally when she pushes you away (it isn't about you), not pushing issues she is uncomfortable with, and not expecting her to change anything about herself before she chooses to do so on her own.

My guess is, if she ever deals with that demon at all, it will be when she gets a little older, more mature, and more confident in/comfortable with who she is as a woman.

I don't know, I just feel this need to try to fix it. She just deserves better. But you're right about her pushing me away not being about me. She says she wants to talk about it, perhaps a little. But the fact that she still lives at home with someone like that. I can't stand it.

I mean WTF do i do?! I want a Goddamn step-by-step pamphlet called ''So You're Girlfriend was Molested by her Dad and she still lives with him: What do do.''

[Orion]

Get out now.

Trust me.

Too easy. Elaborate or GTFO

[chris.tan]

Im gonna agree with Macho here. You cannot push the issue. This is something that is going to be very painful for her to talk about, let alone acknowledge. I'm sure she's tried to suppress these memories for years. If you're her bf, then you're her friend too. Whether you decide to stay in this relationship or not, you should continue to be supportive of her. I'm no psychologist, but I took a few pysch classes in college and am currently taking abnormal psychology. Her father molesting her as a child can lead to a multitude of very serious disorders as she grows older. Sammich has probably experienced girls like this first hand hence his response.

Again, if you really want her to recover from this, just be supportive. Professional help (though not necessarily medication) will help immensely once she's willing to bring it up.

[Orion]

Im gonna agree with Macho here. You cannot push the issue. This is something that is going to be very painful for her to talk about, let alone acknowledge. I'm sure she's tried to suppress these memories for years. If you're her bf, then you're her friend too. Whether you decide to stay in this relationship or not, you should continue to be supportive of her. I'm no psychologist, but I took a few pysch classes in college and am currently taking abnormal psychology. Her father molesting her as a child can lead to a multitude of very serious disorders as she grows older. Sammich has probably experienced girls like this first hand hence his response.

Again, if you really want her to recover from this, just be supportive. Professional help (though not necessarily medication) will help immensely once she's willing to bring it up.

I just think it's too easy to quit on her like Sammich advises. It's just not gonna happen.

But right. She's totally repressed. But i hope that i van persuade her to see someone in the near future if she can start to talk to me about it. But again. She LIVES with the SOB. That must be a nightmare

[Michael Travis]

I think Macho was correct. Age plays a huge role here. 19 is still very young emotionally when trying to deal with something like this. For both of you.

Compound that with the fact that she is still physically co-located with the molester, and things get even worse. I tend to agree (on the surface at least) with Sammich, but I'll try to elaborate by asking first: How long have you been in this relationship? I know for some people time doesn't matter, but personally, if I didn't have much time (relatively) invested in a relationship with this serious type of baggage, I would be less inclined to stick it out, considering her apparent difficulty in allowing you inside her emotions, and especially at such a young age, when realistically speaking, is this relationship going to last? I, of course, cannot answer that for you. At her age, with her still living there, still not ready to let you help, the only thing you can do is let it be known that you are there if/when she needs to talk, needs space, needs a hug, etc etc., and then move on to enjoy the relationship as much as you both can. I really doubt you are in much of a position to offer any help of substance anyway, as these types of difficulties typically need some professional, objective interjection to obtain any lasting assistance for her.

Best of luck to her and you as well. Obviously this will be a difficult time for both of you, but can very well be worth it in the end.


MT

[Michael Travis]

I think it's also worth asking how often she drinks and if drinking typically amplifies her behavior of repression/suppression, reclusiveness, etc.. Could be an indicator

[Sammich]

Too easy. Elaborate or GTFO

You are completely and utterly unequipped -- emotionally, psychologically, and cognitively -- to handle a project of this magnitude. She needs, at the very least, unholy fuckloads of therapy, and even if everything goes perfectly and she gets the best treatment, you're both still 19 and the relationship will not last.

:kitchen:

[RedSkull]

x2 on the above. You'll probably learn a lot from this relationship, I'll say that. lol No real point giving advice on these matters, I don't feel, since nobody takes it anyway, you have to make your own path, learn these things for yourself..... "Experience is the best teacher"

[theroymccoy]

Macho Man's covered it all. Be supportive, don't push it, she'll be ready to talk when she's ready to talk. You sound like you really care about her and that's awesome, but don't smother her and try to get it out of her.

[Shawn "Future" Bellon]

You are completely and utterly unequipped -- emotionally, psychologically, and cognitively -- to handle a project of this magnitude. She needs, at the very least, unholy fuckloads of therapy, and even if everything goes perfectly and she gets the best treatment, you're both still 19 and the relationship will not last.

:kitchen:

Totally agree.

DO NOT BE THE FIXER! YOU CANT FIX IT NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK. I HAVE LIVED IT. IT DOESNT WORK.

[Macho Man]

YOU CANT FIX IT NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK.

Exactly!

[Orion]

I think Macho was correct. Age plays a huge role here. 19 is still very young emotionally when trying to deal with something like this. For both of you.

Compound that with the fact that she is still physically co-located with the molester, and things get even worse. I tend to agree (on the surface at least) with Sammich, but I'll try to elaborate by asking first: How long have you been in this relationship? I know for some people time doesn't matter, but personally, if I didn't have much time (relatively) invested in a relationship with this serious type of baggage, I would be less inclined to stick it out, considering her apparent difficulty in allowing you inside her emotions, and especially at such a young age, when realistically speaking, is this relationship going to last? I, of course, cannot answer that for you. At her age, with her still living there, still not ready to let you help, the only thing you can do is let it be known that you are there if/when she needs to talk, needs space, needs a hug, etc etc., and then move on to enjoy the relationship as much as you both can. I really doubt you are in much of a position to offer any help of substance anyway, as these types of difficulties typically need some professional, objective interjection to obtain any lasting assistance for her.

Best of luck to her and you as well. Obviously this will be a difficult time for both of you, but can very well be worth it in the end.


MT

I've known her for four years, been going out on-and-off for 1.
We sort of ''grew up'' together at boarding school. Even if the relationship doesn't last, we'll not be able to just go our seperate ways.

She's in no way a heavy drinker. But when she does go out, she has always seemed more inclined to not want to have sex. And even if, she HAS to have the light on, to see me. Feel stupid for not picking up on this before

So of course I'll support her. And even though I'm only 19, is Sammich seriously proposing that I - the only person she ever dared to tell this to, to confide her deepest secret to - should just get up and go because I'm not ''qualified'' to deal with it?!

Well, what then? What about her? How damaging do you think it is for her if I do that? Then she'll be on her own again. Stuck with her Dad.

Sorry.