A little Input/Criticism Please

[DCBliever]

Heckman and some may have seen my facebook post. I'll give some background and go from there. My Wife and I split up last October, she claims it's from my on and off use of steroids behind her back over a say 4 year period of time. It was ok the first 3-4 years then it wasn't. My use was intermittent not consistent, I got off and stayed off for 3 years while we tried to have a baby. We did, post birth of my child she shut herself off to me after I went back on despite her warning me about leaving if I did. Now I don't believe in choosing AAS over family, apparently I did, during this time I worked two jobs and returned to school and got my Electrical Engineering degree, mean while she was talking to someone for over a year and half and asked me for a divorce about a year ago.

Now, she wouldn't sign the papers because she said I needed to pay for half of all the bills including any associated with my son. I make $37440 or $18/hr and work as doorman on saturday nights at a bar for 6 hours at $8/hr. I give her $175/wk or $700/month in child support, nothing is court ordered, she takes home roughly $1250, I take home $1180 every two weeks. Yesterday she tells me she needs the money and $100 for my son's bday present, I will pay for half of anything associated with my son. His daycare is $500 and she won't tell me his insurance cost so I assume worst case from what I remember and assume it's $200, so his expenses roughly $325 per month, the Florida Child support calculator varies from $385 to $465 per month based off income..

Here's the kicker, yesterday she tells me she couldn't pay the mortgage because of me, I felt like crap, I have exactly $900 in the bank. Something didn't sit right with me so I investigated, I get into her bank account to find she has $3300 and when she paid the mortgage had $835 in the bank left over. When I told her I was getting a lawyer she started telling me how I'm such a bad person and I'm being a jerk and I had the wrong info, so I texted her pictures from her bank statement I printed out and she stopped talking to me. She also had an offer on our house back in April for the full amount she never told me about that I now have copies of.

I've been between homeless and sleeping on various people's couches to make it this past year while she's been comfortably living at home on my money. Any and all input positive and negative welcomed. Trolling or being a dick is not.

EDIT: More info I get my son every Friday at 1800 and bring him back Sunday at 2000 or I used too, she had it made at her job working 0800-1700 until she wanted to date her store manager which is a clear violation of her companies policy. She had to move to another location which changed her hours. So now I have an 80 mile round trip to get my son 1-3 days extra during the week which I love doing because I love him. But I am paying for her mistake. She also keeps him out of school for 2 days during the week when she has off but we have to pay to keep his spot, so I pay for half of two days for her to keep him out of school. Yesterday her boy friend who I'm ok with picked him up from school, I dod not get a phone call or anyone asking me if it was ok, yes he's on the list to get him from school. I left work early to surprise him and pick him up, I was the one surprised. I would have got to the school and he would have been gone.

[bigdiezel407]

I have not been through a divorce myself but can speak on past personal experience relating to my parents and the divorce courts in Florida.

To be completely honest, and this is coming from a view of both party's (yours and your ex-wifes), just fully press for the divorce. She has the house already, you're paying more than most likely what the court will be having you pay monthly for your son, you will have court obligated visits which she cannot deny you regardless if its inconvenient to her schedule or not, and if you're not in any way shape or form going to try to reconcile your marriage then just end it as soon as possible.

A divorce is usually ugly, is expensive, and will get worse before it gets better (name calling and each other trying to exploit one another) but once it's over through the courts then you are done with it all and can move on.

Just always put yourself in the responsible and rational position. If she tries to egg you on or use your past supplement use as an excuse, simply represent yourself as a grown responsible adult and always keep your composure (especially in front of your child, set a good example of an adult and let him make his own impression of his father rather then what his mother might be saying about you out of grief to him).

I apologize for the long drawn out response but just trying to help. You can pm me with any personal questions if you choose and I will try to help where I can.

Hope the best for you and yours.

[Michael Travis]

Not too much advice, but more just a "sorry to hear things are not going so well for you" type of thing.

I went through a divorce 4 years ago, while deployed, which really sucked, as I pretty much came back to nothing. Anyone who's been deployed knows how much you usually make over there for a 15 month haul.

I cut my losses, and figured it was easier just to get it over quickly and be done with it, not trying to press any issues. Luckily, we had no kids.

I think looking back though, I would have pressed harder and been more "dick-ish" about getting what my part(s) should have been.

You just need to do what's best for you and your son, because if you suffer, so will he. Whether that means nastiness or not, hopefully it will only be temporary. I am sure it's hard to detach your feelings from her, being the mother of your son and all, but obviously she has not been forthcoming with information, and you are having to suffer because of it.

Anyway, I hope things get better for you.

MT

[DCBliever]

Thanks guys, believe me I'm not and haven't been looking to go back by any means. I walked and only asked for my laptop, PS3, and shared custody of my son, I got 2 out of 3, now I want my PS3! lol. The problem, I think was, I was too nice for far too long hoping she'd realize it was both our faults and not just mine. I only texted and would not call because I didn't want a yelling match. I'll never argue or bad mouth her to or in front of my son. She is a good mmoom and I won't take that away from her but it's time for me to live and stop just barely surviving.

[RedSkull]

Nothing really to add, just sorry you are going through that. You can pm me if you ever want to talk about it.

[DCBliever]

Nothing really to add, just sorry you are going through that. You can pm me if you ever want to talk about it.

Thanks, it just all hit the fan yesterday after she lied to me about her money situation

[Jared Ragsdale]

If you consider divorce or pressing for divorce at all, you need to make sure you are 100% clean and won't test positive for anything. You better believe that when push comes to shove, she is going to try to get everything including full custody of your son and bring up your AAS use in the past to the courts. Whether or not they follow through with testing you, I have no idea.. better safe than sorry.

After you have that figured out, I would consult with a good divorce attorney and have him give you the right advice. Whether or not you'd be paying more or less with child support etc.

[Jared Ragsdale]

They shouldn't charge you too much for a consult.

[steve302]

Ten years ago I was at the age when all my friends were getting married, Now it seems like I at the stage where everyone is getting divorces.

The only peice of advice I can give you from seeing many situations similiar to yours, is get the papers signed and go to court. Let the lawyers and courts sort it out, then everything is clearly defined... no room for interpretation

Like someone stated above it not pretty and not cheap, BUT it is the only way to move on.

[Heckman]

There is absolutely nothing you can do about the past and why it happend. At this point it doesn't matter. Move forward..What matters is that your son isn't put in the middle of all of this. Kids pick up on stuff in an unbelievable way that may take a while to effect them, but it can.

I went through the same thing and while I can't comment on the laws of your state and as much as I dislike "many" attorneys, find a good one and get this shit hammered out. Better yet, if you are both willing, get a mediator attorney to work for both of you..In the end nobody wins, but at least everything you have to give is by court order.

Out here its simple..judge orders all assests split down the middle..man makes more than woman, man gets fucked....woman makes more than man, woman gets fucked.
Not alway fair, but its the price of divorce.

I will guarrantee someone is feeding her full of bullshit information. I say put the brakes on, hire an attorney and get this thing over with...for the sake of your little boy....

[TLopez]

Divorce is always tough. Sorry to hear about your situation. I have a friend that recently went through the same thing (his wife moved about 45 minutes away with the children). The court ordered that she pay for his milage because it was her decision to move. This might be something you should look into if money is tight. Hope all works out for you.

[DCBliever]

If you consider divorce or pressing for divorce at all, you need to make sure you are 100% clean and won't test positive for anything. You better believe that when push comes to shove, she is going to try to get everything including full custody of your son and bring up your AAS use in the past to the courts. Whether or not they follow through with testing you, I have no idea.. better safe than sorry.

After you have that figured out, I would consult with a good divorce attorney and have him give you the right advice. Whether or not you'd be paying more or less with child support etc.

That's just it FADE, Florida is no fault, I have all the proof she cheated on me can't do shit with it. I've been clean for a while, 8 months I think almost. I don't do anything other than a few beers here and there anyway, 8 months was for super supps.

Ten years ago I was at the age when all my friends were getting married, Now it seems like I at the stage where everyone is getting divorces.

The only peice of advice I can give you from seeing many situations similiar to yours, is get the papers signed and go to court. Let the lawyers and courts sort it out, then everything is clearly defined... no room for interpretation

Like someone stated above it not pretty and not cheap, BUT it is the only way to move on.

That was it I let it go too long and she got used to it.

There is absolutely nothing you can do about the past and why it happend. At this point it doesn't matter. Move forward..What matters is that your son isn't put in the middle of all of this. Kids pick up on stuff in an unbelievable way that may take a while to effect them, but it can.

I went through the same thing and while I can't comment on the laws of your state and as much as I dislike "many" attorneys, find a good one and get this shit hammered out. Better yet, if you are both willing, get a mediator attorney to work for both of you..In the end nobody wins, but at least everything you have to give is by court order.

Out here its simple..judge orders all assests split down the middle..man makes more than woman, man gets fucked....woman makes more than man, woman gets fucked.
Not alway fair, but its the price of divorce.

I will guarrantee someone is feeding her full of bullshit information. I say put the brakes on, hire an attorney and get this thing over with...for the sake of your little boy....

Yeah she keeps quoting this and that but right in the papers we got from the courthouse it has the calculator and tells you EXACTLY what you will pay given all of the data and this says $409 and why she wouldn't sign and file the papers. She claims I have an obligation to the house because my name is on the mortgage and the fact I left. Why would I stay with a woman who cheated on me and drive 90 miles to work? Yeah we have gotten along real well and will not argue in front or around or bad mouthed her. I even sent her a pic of him this morning when he was getting ready for school.

Divorce is always tough. Sorry to hear about your situation. I have a friend that recently went through the same thing (his wife moved about 45 minutes away with the children). The court ordered that she pay for his milage because it was her decision to move. This might be something you should look into if money is tight. Hope all works out for you.

Money wouldn't be tight if I wasn't getting ass raped for $300 month. The only reason I don't go to her house to pick him up is because her boyfriend lives by my girlfriend where I stay on the weekends, before that she wouldn't meet me anywhere

[5spotbullseye]

Hopefully this doesn't comes across the wrong way....

You mention that the reason your wife wanted a divorce was because you were taking AAS without her knowing about it, right? If that's the sole reason, then......well.......it seems like it was a very fixable situation at the time. Maybe even still? Hear me out.

Apparently using AAS without her knowing was a big deal to her. (Which I would agree.) Would she have been able to forgive you for past use? If she would have, would you have stopped completely? I would hope so......seems like a pretty selfish thing to break up a family over for.

If the above is true.....do you still have ANY feelings for her? Is any type of reconciliation possible at this point? You know what I'm getting at here hopefully.

Maybe there were more reasons involved....who knows. BUT....if there's even so much as a hint of possibility of rebuilding the relationship.....do it. Swallow the pride and do it.

EDIT - if infidelity is involved on her part......which it appears might be the case.....that changes things ALOT

[Heckman]

Yeah she keeps quoting this and that but right in the papers we got from the courthouse it has the calculator and tells you EXACTLY what you will pay given all of the data and this says $409 and why she wouldn't sign and file the papers. She claims I have an obligation to the house because my name is on the mortgage and the fact I left. Why would I stay with a woman who cheated on me and drive 90 miles to work? Yeah we have gotten along real well and will not argue in front or around or bad mouthed her. I even sent her a pic of him this morning when he was getting ready for school.

I don't think you can argue with that. But, enter attorney, enter judge, judge orders house sold whether she like it or not, so the assets can be split..again, I don't know Florida law, so I may be out of line here..but if you don't grab the bull by the horns, this shit will go on and on and on..
If you don't have any equity in the house, quit claim it over to her and let her worry about the mortgage...you walk away free and clear...

[bigdiezel407]

Hopefully this doesn't comes across the wrong way....

You mention that the reason your wife wanted a divorce was because you were taking AAS without her knowing about it, right? If that's the sole reason, then......well.......it seems like it was a very fixable situation at the time. Maybe even still? Hear me out.

Apparently using AAS without her knowing was a big deal to her. (Which I would agree.) Would she have been able to forgive you for past use? If she would have, would you have stopped completely? I would hope so......seems like a pretty selfish thing to break up a family over for.

If the above is true.....do you still have ANY feelings for her? Is any type of reconciliation possible at this point? You know what I'm getting at here hopefully.

Maybe there were more reasons involved....who knows. BUT....if there's even so much as a hint of possibility of rebuilding the relationship.....do it. Swallow the pride and do it.

EDIT - if infidelity is involved on her part......which it appears might be the case.....that changes things somewhat......

Without trying to dig in too much into a sore wound, IF and only IF she was interested in another individual and wanted an excuse to gratify her infidelity, she could simply say "you used aas when u know i didn't want you to and thats why we fight, why i saw another person for a year, and broke our marriage vows".

Obviously, we don't know the exact details and at this point it really doesn't matter. Whats done is done and we shouldn't assume he chose to destroy his family over a vial... while his wife could simply be holding that against him for any reason she chooses.