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2004 Darwin Awards
>
> They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards - Its
> an Annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest
> service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
>
> Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a
> Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to
> tip a free soda out of it.
>
> And the nominees are:
>
>
>
> 1.) A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
> cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed
> gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill,
> and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting
> explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his
> sister.
>
>
>
> 2.) Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft
> at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they
> decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of
> their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the
> wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
>
>
>
> 3.) A 22-year-old Reston, Va., man was
> found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a
> 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a
> fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one
> end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake
> Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren
> Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think
> Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The
> length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than
> the distance between the trestle and the ground,"
> Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death
> was "Major trauma."
>
>
> 4.) A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It
> seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the
> rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards
> candidate, was hospitalized.
>
> 5.) Employee in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the
> smell of a gas presumed a leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
> building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition: lights,
> power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two "technicians"
> from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the
> building, they found they had difficulty navigating in
> the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights
> worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
> technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an
> object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation
> of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse
> exploded, sending pieces of the warehouse up to three
> miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
> lighter, being at the exact center of the resulting
> mêlée, was virtually untouched by the explosion. The
> "technician" suspected of causing the blast, had never
> been thought of by his peers as "all there."
>
>
>
> And the Winner:
>
> Rated (XXXX) and 4 stars for pain.
>
>
> 6.) Based on a bet by the other members of his golfing threesome,
> Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the
> local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a
> bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his
> scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his
> buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the
> machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging
> them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately
> passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from
> his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the post of the
> ball washer was more than strong enough to support his
> body weight, and his sack was the weakest link. Sanchez's
> scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle
> was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball
> washer, while the other testicle was compressed and
> flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the
> washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult
> to injury, Sanchez then broke a new $300.00 graphite
> shaft driver that he had just purchased from the pro
> shop, and was attempting to use as a cane. Sanchez was
> rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining
> threesome was asked to leave the course.
>
> This last one wouldn't normally count, because the golfer didn't die.
> But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
> stupidity, we have allowed it.
>
> They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards - Its
> an Annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest
> service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
>
> Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a
> Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to
> tip a free soda out of it.
>
> And the nominees are:
>
>
>
> 1.) A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
> cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed
> gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill,
> and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting
> explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his
> sister.
>
>
>
> 2.) Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft
> at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they
> decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of
> their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the
> wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
>
>
>
> 3.) A 22-year-old Reston, Va., man was
> found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a
> 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a
> fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one
> end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake
> Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren
> Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think
> Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The
> length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than
> the distance between the trestle and the ground,"
> Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death
> was "Major trauma."
>
>
> 4.) A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It
> seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the
> rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards
> candidate, was hospitalized.
>
> 5.) Employee in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the
> smell of a gas presumed a leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
> building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition: lights,
> power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two "technicians"
> from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the
> building, they found they had difficulty navigating in
> the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights
> worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
> technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an
> object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation
> of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse
> exploded, sending pieces of the warehouse up to three
> miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
> lighter, being at the exact center of the resulting
> mêlée, was virtually untouched by the explosion. The
> "technician" suspected of causing the blast, had never
> been thought of by his peers as "all there."
>
>
>
> And the Winner:
>
> Rated (XXXX) and 4 stars for pain.
>
>
> 6.) Based on a bet by the other members of his golfing threesome,
> Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the
> local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a
> bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his
> scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his
> buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the
> machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging
> them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately
> passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from
> his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the post of the
> ball washer was more than strong enough to support his
> body weight, and his sack was the weakest link. Sanchez's
> scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle
> was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball
> washer, while the other testicle was compressed and
> flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the
> washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult
> to injury, Sanchez then broke a new $300.00 graphite
> shaft driver that he had just purchased from the pro
> shop, and was attempting to use as a cane. Sanchez was
> rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining
> threesome was asked to leave the course.
>
> This last one wouldn't normally count, because the golfer didn't die.
> But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
> stupidity, we have allowed it.
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