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Old 12-16-2004, 08:29 AM   #101
ctgblue
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Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen is in Trouble
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 12-17-2004, 08:29 AM   #102
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A man decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, until the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted blue and white. While the woman ties up the row-boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines--strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know... " She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean-- ?", he swallows excitedly, "-- I can check my e-mail from here...?"
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

Last edited by ctgblue; 12-17-2004 at 08:32 AM.
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Old 12-19-2004, 07:50 PM   #103
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Men strike back

Romance Mathematics
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair
Dumb Man+ Smart Woman = Marriage Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

Office Arithmetic
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

Shopping Math
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

General Equations & Statistics
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Happiness
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.

Longevity
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Propensity to Change
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Discussion Technique
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

How to stop people from bugging you about getting married:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Old 12-19-2004, 09:30 PM   #104
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Quote:
Originally Posted by huskerfoos
How to stop people from bugging you about getting married:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
LOL, brutal.
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Old 12-20-2004, 08:43 AM   #105
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A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.
The bartender looks up and says,
You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks,
"A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"



reminds me of the guy in WV that got busted 3yrs ago for 'romancing' the sheep in the nativity scene.
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 12-21-2004, 08:44 AM   #106
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QUICK THINKER
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota," asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
The manager was shocked and replied, "My wife is from Minnesota!!!"
The boy answered, "Really?!?!? What team did she play for?"
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 01-03-2005, 08:47 AM   #107
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Subject: Why parents get gray:
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a Youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered,
"No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered,
"no".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked" May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me"
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 01-03-2005, 10:55 AM   #108
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Lmao!!!
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Old 01-04-2005, 08:36 AM   #109
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Seinfeld-isms, From the Washington Post
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living plants? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 01-04-2005, 11:28 AM   #110
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not bad!
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Old 01-05-2005, 08:53 AM   #111
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OK, I'm gonna get it for this one too...
********************************
A "Real" Woman on a Transatlantic flight.
A plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 01-05-2005, 12:47 PM   #112
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ctgblue
The Queen and the Pope are on the same stage. Huge crowd. The Queen and His Holiness however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Her Majesty says to his Holiness, "Pope, did you know, that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in this crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him, and sure enough the little royal gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every pommie in the crowd. Gradually it subsides.
His Holiness, not wishing to be outdone by a woman, who incidentally is wearing a worse frock and hat than he is, thinks to himself, what am I to do. Then it dawns on him. "Your Majesty, that was impressive, but did you know that with one nod of my head I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but this joy will go deep to their hearts, and they will talk of it and rejoice for months."
The Queen seriously doubts this ... "One little nod of your head, and all the Irish are joyous for months? Show me."
So the Pope headbutts her.
I finished that one in my head before I read the entire thing.... it was pretty funny though
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Old 01-06-2005, 02:04 PM   #113
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A man and a women were married for 40 years.When they first got married the man said:"I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in
it".In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"
The man thought for a while and said: "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: "Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
The woman was shocked, but said: "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later the woman asked the man: "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered: "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 01-07-2005, 09:29 AM   #114
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BLONDE JOKE
A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her. Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, "Miss, I`m sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you`re seated in first class; I`m afraid you`ll have to move." The blonde replies, "I`m blonde, and I`m beautiful, and I`m going to New York to be a model."
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, "I`m sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you`ll have to move back." The blonde replies, sweetly, "I`m blonde, and I`m beautiful, and I`m going to New York to be a model"-and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he`ll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class.
Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde`s ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.
Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, "Captain, I`m impressed ... what did you say to her?" he captain grinned slyly and said, "I just told her that the first class cabin doesnít go to New York."
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 01-07-2005, 11:17 AM   #115
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The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take some toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I took some toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man..
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Old 01-07-2005, 11:17 AM   #116
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Trivia for Adults

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under.

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.
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Old 01-10-2005, 11:00 AM   #117
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This construction worker had climbed 20 stories to the job site. Once there he'd asked the foreman if he could go back down to take a leak. Not wanting to lose the time, the foreman balanced an I-beam across another, stood on one end, and told the worker to walk out to the other end to pee.
While the worker was doing his business, the phone rang. The foreman, forgetting what he was doing, stepped off the I-beam and the worker plunged 20 stories to his death.
The next week the safety inspectors came by to conduct a routine investigation into the accident.
They talked to the ground crew.
"I think it was sex-related, " offered one of the crew.
"Sex releated? How do you figure that?" said the investigator.
"Well, what made me look up was this guy coming down, dick in his hand, screaming, 'Where did that cocksucker go???'"
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 01-11-2005, 08:40 AM   #118
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A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, a veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat.
What to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Burl, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Now Burl was rumored to possess ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might entice Burl to satisfy the female gorilla.
They approached him with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for $500?
Burl: I might be interested. Let me think it over.
He entered the zoo administrators' office the following day.
Burl: I accept your offer, but with 3 conditions:
1st, I don't want to have to kiss her.
2nd, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result.
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but inquired about the 3rd condition?
Burl: Well, you've gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 01-11-2005, 09:11 AM   #119
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Ok, this ones pretty dirty.... hope you guys don't get offended...

Two guys are going for a week long hike in the woods. After a few days, they start to get fed up with each other and decide to split up for the day and hike on their own. At the conclusion of the day, they meet back up.

The first guy talks about his adventure to a waterfall that was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in the world. He bathed in the creek below and had the most wonderful time.

"What'd you do?" asked the first guy to the second guy.

The second guy told his story about finding a beautiful woman tied to some train tracks. He untied her and they made the most beautiful love of his life. They must've had sex 5 or 6 times.

The first guy asks the second, "well, did you get some oral sex from her too?"

The second guy responds, "Nah, I couldn't find her head!"

HAH

Or:

You ever see a chick who is so ugly she's a triple bagger? One bag for her, one bag for you, and one bag for anyone who happens to be walking by!

-mc
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Old 01-12-2005, 08:48 AM   #120
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Jumping off the Empire State Building
Two men are sitting, drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State
Building when one turns to the other and says:
"You know last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
2nd Man: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen"
1st Man:" No it's true let me prove it to you". So he gets up from the bar jumps over the balcony and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a onetime fluke."
1st Man: " No I'll prove it again", and again he jumps hurtling toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it". So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker and says: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 01-13-2005, 08:48 AM   #121
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WHAT AM I?
"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see you there."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, I've never seen myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then we'll both know?"
So the snake felt the bunny all over and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly; you have long silky ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose ... you must be a BUNNY RABBIT!"
[The little blind bunny was so pleased at this that he danced with joy.] The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. What kind of animal are you, sir?"
The snake said he didn't know, for the same reason. The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked, "So, what kind of animal am I?"
The bunny said, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls -- you must be a lawyer."
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 01-14-2005, 08:59 AM   #122
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If Men Really Ruled The World
1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
4. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
5. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
6. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
7. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J Blowme."
8. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
9. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
10. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
11. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
12. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
13. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
14. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
15. Garbage would take itself out.
16. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
17. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
18. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
19. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
20. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
21. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
22. Two words: Ally McNaked.
23. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
24. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
25. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
26. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
27. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
28. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
29. Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
30. The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
31. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
32. Daisy Duke shorts would never, ever again go out of style.
33. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 01-14-2005, 10:45 AM   #123
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that's a great list!!!!

I especially like line 18.
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Old 01-17-2005, 09:03 AM   #124
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A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "Thatís the ugliest baby Iíve ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, heís a public servant and shouldnít say things to insult passengers."
"Youíre right" she said. "I think Iíll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"Thatís a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 01-18-2005, 08:42 AM   #125
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Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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