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Old 10-25-2004, 10:24 AM   #51
ctgblue
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You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

Last edited by ctgblue; 10-25-2004 at 10:27 AM.
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Old 10-26-2004, 07:41 AM   #52
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Picking on the Aggies today
------------------------------------
A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture of the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good.
I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic.
Now let me ask you one question further "Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving
this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-26-2004, 11:26 AM   #53
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Lmao!
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Old 10-27-2004, 01:29 PM   #54
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70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-28-2004, 07:47 AM   #55
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A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his
grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself
in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he
cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom
half of the photo.

He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but
then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is,
and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style.....it makes your
nose look too short."
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-28-2004, 08:07 AM   #56
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lmao!! you must have database of jokes stored somewhere.
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Old 10-28-2004, 09:46 AM   #57
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139 page doc file
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-28-2004, 12:22 PM   #58
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something told me you didn't have all those memorized
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Old 10-28-2004, 02:13 PM   #59
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oh, hell no, I can't even remember where the good ones are, so I go through and highlight them and then work my way through the highlighted ones.
Don't want to offend AmerI or LittleMiss
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-28-2004, 04:33 PM   #60
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Much appreciated, ctg. I try not to post the male bashing stuff I get on a daily basis as a nod to the gentlemen here. Women are vicious and in my family male bashing is a sport!

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Old 10-29-2004, 07:54 AM   #61
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Wear Your Sweater - Dear!

Four guys go golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place ~
FIRST GUY:
"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife to paint every room in the house next weekend."
SECOND GUY:
"That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."
THIRD GUY:
"Man, you guys have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realize the 4th guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing. What's the deal?"

FOURTH GUY:
"I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she said, "Wear your sweater."
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-29-2004, 12:03 PM   #62
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LMAO, another good one!
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Old 11-01-2004, 08:50 AM   #63
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1. When his. 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.
4. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead.
5. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing.
6. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital and told the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre behavior. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
7. In Minneapolis, 28 year old Derrick L. Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E. Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic.
8. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
9. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Give me a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window!". "Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention, Ma'am.", "It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.", " I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 11-02-2004, 08:23 AM   #64
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1) Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2) I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

3) I'm in shape. Round's a shape...

4) I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5) Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6) I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7) Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

8) Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

9) You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is.

10) I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

11) The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

12) Now they show you how detergents takeout bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

13) I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

14) A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

15) Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 11-03-2004, 07:29 AM   #65
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Yet More Darwin Award Nominees:
AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.
Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later, "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds."
However, cab driver Vegas did see, and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
------------------------------------------------------------
TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
------------------------------------------------------------
TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
------------------------------------------------------------
On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry
concealed handguns in public places;
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door;
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
------------------------------------------------------------
MOSCOW, RUSSIA -A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it would protected him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound.
It is good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.
------------------------------------------------------------
A Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, were driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in Northwestern New South Wales, when their car crashed into the side of a fully-laden, 600 meter long train at a level crossing (possibly more difficult to miss than the broad side of a barn). The vehicle became wedged between the second last and last carriages and was dragged sideways beside the track as the train continued towards Moree, a police spokeswoman said.
After being carried more than a kilometer and a half they approached an unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the spokeswoman said. Moments before they reached the precipice, the car was struck by a pylon, dislodged from the train and spun several times. When it came to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck with minor bruising (possibly a Volvo?), and the man set off along the railway line for help. But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his death, the spokeswoman said. The woman was eventually able to raise the alarm and was recovering in Moree hospital with chest injuries.
------------------------------------------------------------
Donna Richardson, of Miami, FL, 29, was hanging her head out of the window of her boyfriend's 1993 Chevrolet truck early Saturday vomiting - when the truck suddenly veered. Her head slammed into a pole and she died instantly, police said Monday. Her boyfriend, Alvin Sims, kept driving. Metro-Dade police said when an officer stopped the truck several miles later - its right mirror and antenna were damaged. Sims told police that he was looking for a hospital because his passenger was sick. "Apparently, he thought he had hit a puddle and did not see that he had killed her."
-----------------------------------------------------------
In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to hospital, where he died ... of hypothermia.
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 11-04-2004, 08:09 AM   #66
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A guy with a black eye, boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'... so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch.'"
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 11-04-2004, 01:33 PM   #67
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ctgblue
A guy with a black eye, boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'... so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch.'"

ROTFLMAO!!!!!! That the funniest thing I've ever read!!!
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Old 11-04-2004, 02:46 PM   #68
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lol dam those tongue twisters always come out at the wrong time.
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Old 11-05-2004, 07:50 AM   #69
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Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:
God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away.
It's nice to know that someone really thinks of me. God blesses you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said, fuck you.
Sincerely, Edna Johnston
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 11-08-2004, 07:32 AM   #70
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Cowboy approaches Rancher sitting on porch with his dog.....
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the rain"
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 11-08-2004, 10:34 AM   #71
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lmao!!!
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Old 11-09-2004, 08:52 AM   #72
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After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 11-09-2004, 12:59 PM   #73
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ctgblue
A guy with a black eye, boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'... so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch.'"

JOKE OF THE YEAR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 11-10-2004, 07:17 AM   #74
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YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF:
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had an RC cola. (RC Cola and a Moon Pie, "It's a Southern Thing")
7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12. You don't have bangs.
13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on ramp to the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
24. You call binoculars "opera glasses."
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
26. You would never wear pink or an appliqué sweatshirt.
27. You don't know what appliqué is.
28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et al).
29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
30. You've never been to a craft show.
31. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
32. You can do your laundry without quarters.
33. None of your fur coats are homemade.
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 11-11-2004, 08:51 AM   #75
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20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL
POSTERS:
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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