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Old 10-07-2004, 08:47 AM   #26
ctgblue
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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-07-2004, 03:59 PM   #27
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Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed
for a job. The interviewer asked, What is the fastest thing you know of?
pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied, A thought. It pops into your head, there's no
forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A Thought is the
fastest thing I know of. That's very good! replied the interviewer.

And now you, Sir, he asked the second man. Hmmm...let me see, a blink! It
comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest
thing I know of. Excellent! said the interviewer. The blink of an eye.
That's a very popular cliche for speed.

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. Well, out
on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a
light switch, when you flip that switch, way across the pasture the
light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the
fastest thing I can think of. The interviewer was very impressed with the
third answer and thought he had found his man. It's hard to beat the speed
of light, he said.

Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question.
After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the
fastest thing known is diarrhea, said the Newfie.
What!' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
Oh, I can explain, said the Newfie. You see, the other day I wasn't
feeling
so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or
turn on the light, I shit my pants. He got the job.
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Old 10-07-2004, 05:35 PM   #28
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sick sick sick
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-07-2004, 06:55 PM   #29
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Heehee! Thank youuu! Thank you very much!
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Old 10-08-2004, 09:14 AM   #30
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TLM, that was the best joke I've heard in a while!!!!!
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Old 10-11-2004, 09:02 AM   #31
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twisted
-------------------------
"A romance novel"
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.
The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now.
Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all to soon.
As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable Mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered: "Baaaaa", then rejoined the flock.
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-11-2004, 01:51 PM   #32
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I believe sick! sick! sick! was how you worded it.

EWWWW! Or is it EWE!
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Old 10-12-2004, 12:08 PM   #33
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Why Dogs Are Better Than Women
1. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
2. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
3. Dogs think you sing great.
4. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
5. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
6. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
7. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
8. Dogs understand that farts are funny.
9. Dogs love red meat.
10. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
11. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
12. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
13. A dog's parents never visit.
14. Dogs love long car trips.
15. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
16. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
17. Dogs like beer.
18. No dog ever bought a Kenny G, Cher or Barbara Streisand album.
19. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
20. Dogs don't worry about germs.
21. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
22. You never have to wait for a dog.
23. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
24. Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
25. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
26. Dogs never want foot-rubs.
27. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
(maybe this is why all the good guys seem to always be with dogs)
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-12-2004, 01:14 PM   #34
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funny thing is most of that is true, but I wouldn't trade my woman in on a dog.
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Old 10-13-2004, 08:56 AM   #35
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Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Cop When You're Pulled Over
1. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
2. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
3. I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
4. On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
5. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
6. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
7. Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
8. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
9. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
10. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
Top Ten Reasons Your Bank Line is so Long
1. Bank employees are attention starved.
2. Bank managers take bets to see which customer passes out first.
3. Tellers are too busy plotting their lunch break to be concerned with the customers.
4. The abacus got rusty.
5. Bank employees spend too much time telling customers to LINK-UP.
6. Artists get tired printing twenty dollar bills by hand.
7. Why not, you've got all day.
8. Because It's 12:45 and you know your check is going to bounce at 1:00pm
9. Service charges and line-ups are cosmically linked.
10. That Old Lady is paying all her bills in pennies.
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-14-2004, 08:56 AM   #36
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A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball.
So they advised their butler that they were giving him the have evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out
until quite late.
The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.
The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.
So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer.
She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress...".
"Now take off my bra.
"Next remove my shoes and stockings."
"Now remove my garter belt and panties"
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-14-2004, 11:25 AM   #37
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Why do women like older gynecologists?
When they ask why wiggle your finger like an old man....
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Old 10-14-2004, 11:30 AM   #38
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This one's kinda bad...but here goes....btw - no offense to Muslim folks - my wife is one....

Two western women were sitting in a cafe and saw a muslim couple walking down the street. The man was walking in front while the wife walked behind him carrying all the bags. The western women said "look at how the Muslims treat their wives..tsk..tsk"

Later that week the western women were driving along the road when they saw the same couple. This time the wife was walking up front and the husband was walking behind her carrying all the bags. The western women pulled over and said "wow - thats progress!"

The man replied: "nope - landmines"
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Old 10-15-2004, 09:00 AM   #39
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Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife is leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: Your wife is arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your daughter's on the pill.
Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your son's on t.v.
Bad: On America's Most Wanted.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-15-2004, 03:11 PM   #40
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Awesome!!
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Old 10-18-2004, 08:48 AM   #41
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Truck Driver
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living.
The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.
The bartender says “OK, truck drivers are not nerds”, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender said not to worry, "The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license", he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-18-2004, 09:33 AM   #42
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that was a good one!!!!
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Old 10-19-2004, 08:59 AM   #43
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Subject: WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat.
As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading right towards his seat.
Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out "Business trip or vacation?"
She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I am going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in Chicago."
He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she says. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to posses that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman becomes a Little uncomfortable and blushes.
"I'm sorry", she says. "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man says, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-19-2004, 09:22 AM   #44
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another good one!!!
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Old 10-20-2004, 08:50 AM   #45
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Since I get tired of blonde jokes too.....

Why do brunettes like their dark hair color ?
It doesn't show the dirt.
Who makes all the bras for brunettes ?
Fisher-Price
Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes ?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable
Why are most brunettes flat-chested ?
It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts
Why are brunettes so proud of their hair ?
It matches their mustache
Why is the color brunette considered evil ?
When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch ?
How can you tell a brunette is lonely ?
Check her for a pulse
What is the most frustrated animal in the world ?
A brunette rabbit
Why do brunettes wear training bras ?
It's cheaper than changing their bandaids every day
Why did they quit selling brunette Barbie dolls ?
Parents felt the dandruff might be contagious
How do brunettes get the tangles out their hair ?
With a rake
What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween ?
They just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops
Why don't brunettes get breast implants ?
They've already spent their money on thigh & butt implants
What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover ?
" What part of 'yes' don't you understand ?"
Why did God create brunettes ?
So ugly men wouldn't feel left out
What do brunettes miss most about a great party ?
The invitation
Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant ?
From their underarms
Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job ?
Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch
How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night ?
Startled
What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette ?
A hostage
How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color ?
By studying what oil spills did to seaweed
What's the difference between a brunette and the trash ?
At least the trash gets taken out once a week
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-20-2004, 09:23 AM   #46
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Funny !
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Old 10-20-2004, 10:39 AM   #47
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my wife would be offended, but I thought they were funny
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Old 10-21-2004, 08:40 AM   #48
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A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time,>he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Genius, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
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Old 10-22-2004, 08:38 AM   #49
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One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together. After teeing off, they walked down the fairway, continuing their chat.
"What do you do?" the first man asked.
"I'm a salesman. What about you?"
"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.
The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the man where he lived.
Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."
The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof you got?" Gray." Then he asked "What color siding?" "Yellow." "You got a silver Toyota?"
"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car." "That your red pickup next to it?"
Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm here..?"
The hitman looked through the scope once more. " Oh, I see them now. Your wife a blond? Dark roots?" "Yeah." "Your buddy got black hair?"
“Yeah!" "Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." Said the hitman.
Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"
The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."
"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the balls!" The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim.
He then said, "You know what buddy. This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-22-2004, 08:42 AM   #50
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Lmao!!!!
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