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Old 09-23-2004, 11:56 AM   #1
ctgblue
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Joke of the Day

Since another board I mod (musclemorpheus) looks DOA for real this time
I'm starting another Joke of the day thread here. (I've got a 133 page word doc)

First one:

LUCKY FROG
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog " the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 09-23-2004, 12:12 PM   #2
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LMAO...

That's pretty funny.
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Old 09-24-2004, 08:30 AM   #3
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. after his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He says, "your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. if you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. for lunch make him a nutritious meal. for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. and most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, " what did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 09-24-2004, 04:12 PM   #4
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You are on a roll !
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Old 09-27-2004, 07:48 AM   #5
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The Queen and the Pope are on the same stage. Huge crowd. The Queen and His Holiness however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Her Majesty says to his Holiness, "Pope, did you know, that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in this crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him, and sure enough the little royal gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every pommie in the crowd. Gradually it subsides.
His Holiness, not wishing to be outdone by a woman, who incidentally is wearing a worse frock and hat than he is, thinks to himself, what am I to do. Then it dawns on him. "Your Majesty, that was impressive, but did you know that with one nod of my head I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but this joy will go deep to their hearts, and they will talk of it and rejoice for months."
The Queen seriously doubts this ... "One little nod of your head, and all the Irish are joyous for months? Show me."
So the Pope headbutts her.
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 09-27-2004, 09:52 AM   #6
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good thread to read first thing in the morning.
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Old 09-28-2004, 07:39 AM   #7
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Two men, who work at an airport, are drinking in the hanger one night after work when they realize that they have run out of beer.
They are looking around for something to drink when they spot a large container marked “Jet Fuel”.
They look at each other and think, “It can’t hurt to try a little”.
After one sip they realize, “Hey this is pretty good” and continue drinking it all night.
One of them awakes in the morning to a ringing telephone and realizes, “ Hey, I feel great. No hangover at all.
He picks up the phone and on the other end is his friend.
“How do you feel?” he asks.
“Great, no hangover at all”
“Have you farted yet?” his friend asks.
“NO” he replies.
“Don’t”, says his friend “I’m in Pheonix!”
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 09-28-2004, 08:43 AM   #8
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the jet fuel joke was a good one!
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Old 09-29-2004, 07:25 AM   #9
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving." The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language." Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 09-29-2004, 08:29 AM   #10
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that's a classic, use to be one of my favorites!!!!
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Old 09-29-2004, 08:37 AM   #11
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Funny stuff there mister!!!
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Old 09-29-2004, 02:57 PM   #12
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The Married Mens magazine
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 09-29-2004, 05:40 PM   #13
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Whipped ! LOL , hits closer to home than anyone of us needs to admit !
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Old 09-30-2004, 07:39 AM   #14
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OK, this will surely offend almost everyone in some way or another
******************************
Adam Sandler Astrology
Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 - April 22)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
Taurus (April 23 - May 22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
Gemini (May 23 - June 22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means your are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 09-30-2004, 09:52 AM   #15
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too funny!!
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Old 10-01-2004, 08:10 AM   #16
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Things NOT to say to a cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish High School instead.
7. Bad cop! No donut!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10. Hey didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
12. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
13. I pay your salary!
14. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
15. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
16. do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around-that's how far ahead of me they are.
18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
20. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
21. Hey, can you give me one of those full cavity searches?
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-04-2004, 07:58 AM   #17
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And God said to Adam . . .
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me.. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.
(sad but true......)
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-04-2004, 08:36 AM   #18
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oh no! we've been found out!
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Old 10-05-2004, 07:49 AM   #19
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this is dated but still funny
------------------------------------
Subject: How bout them 'Boys?
Barry Switzer, clearly upset about the Dallas Cowboy's losing record, decides to find out from Steve Mariucci what his secret is.
So, Switzer travels up to a 49er practice and asks Mariucci, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?" Mariucci responds by calling Steve Young over. "Steve, who's your father's brother's nephew?"
Young answers, "Why coach, that's easy. It's me." Mariucci turns to Switzer and says, "That's the secret, Barry. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback."
Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Switzer returns to Texas and the Cowboy work-out. He promptly calls over Troy Aikman. "Aikman! Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Troy looks perplexed, thinks a minute and says, "Coach, can I get back to you after practice on that one?" Switzer (disgusted) says, "OK."
During practice, Aikman calls over Deion Sanders. "Deion, coach just asked me the weirdest question. Who's your father's brother's nephew?"
Sanders: "Duh! That's easy. It's me!"
After practice, Aikman catches up with Switzer: "Coach, I think I've got it. My father's brother's nephew is Deion Sanders."
Switzer (angry): "No, No, NO! You idiot! It's Steve Young!"
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-05-2004, 02:52 PM   #20
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A funny Yogi Berra story:

he goes out with a few friends to eat and orders a pizza. the server asks Yogi if he wants it cut in six or eight slices. Says Yogi, "Six, I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat eight."
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Old 10-05-2004, 04:37 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GetnBigr
oh no! we've been found out!
GnB, ya'll are the only one's who thought you weren't found out in the first place. We love ya'll cause you're cute and squish roaches for us. Thanks.
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Old 10-06-2004, 07:35 AM   #22
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Best Bumper stickers for 1998
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Lord save me from your followers.
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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Old 10-06-2004, 07:57 AM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheLil'Missus
GnB, ya'll are the only one's who thought you weren't found out in the first place. We love ya'll cause you're cute and squish roaches for us. Thanks.
At least we're good for something.
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Old 10-06-2004, 08:00 AM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ctgblue
Best Bumper stickers for 1998
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Lord save me from your followers.
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.


one of my favorites is:

*Marriage is grand; divorce is 50 grand!
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Old 10-06-2004, 10:09 AM   #25
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I like
"My kid beat up your honor student and stole their lunch money"
And
"Large muscular driver will EAT YOU if you can read this"
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Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
"Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"
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