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Old 07-21-2010, 01:56 PM   #1
Sammich
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Dave Tate's 27 Reasons To Be Big

I swear this gets funnier with every pound I put on...
I'm good for 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, 16, 17, 21, 22, 25, and 27.
===============================================

27 Reasons to Be Big

1. I like having to think
, ďIs this really worth getting up for?Ē before doing anything.

2. I like having to roll
off the bench press instead of sitting up.

3. I like the feeling of having my head filling with pressure, turning bright red and not being able to breathe. And this is just from tying my shoes. I find it best to take a big breath of air, drop as fast as I can and speed tie. I can usually get the job done in four to five reps.

4. I like the feeling of my belly on my upper thighs when I take a dump. Sometimes I even try to sit back further, fill my belly with air and blast away like I would a big squat.

5. I like feeling hot and sweaty when sitting in an air conditioned room with my shirt off and a fan blowing on me. This is how I spend most days at work!

6. I like taking an extra few minutes in my car to catch my breath from walking across the parking lot.

7. I like having to put my belt through my belt loops before I put on my pants. I remember how mad my friend Jim was one time at the airport when he was asked to remove his belt before going through the metal detector. He knew he had two choices. He could either go the rest of the day without his belt, or head to the restroom to take his pants back off and re-loop the belt. He waited until the next time he had to take a dump as it would just be too much of a pain to remove his pants for no reason.

8. I like waking up in the middle of the night with my hands numb. Gives me a chance to eat more food.

9. I like being asked things like:

ďDo you lift weights?Ē

No, I look this way for no other reason.

ďAre you a wrestler?Ē

Yeah, like I have the mobility to jump off the top rope!

10. I like the time I have to spend in business meetings trying to overcome the meathead image all the fat, out-of-shape business executives have of me.

11. I like the feeling I have of needing to take a shit all day long.

12. I like the lower back workout I get from walking across the room.

13. Cell phones are also a treat when youíre big. Youíre sure to cut all conversations very short because you know your arm will get tired within the first two minutes. This is where the headsets are great, but these Shrek-like fingers make it hard to get the damn plug in the phone.

14. On that same note, I like having to retype just about every third word because my damn fingers keep hitting the wrong keys.

15. I like buying a new recliner every year because they all break down.

16. I like the feeling of jeans either smashing my nuts or falling off my ass.

17. I like coming up with excuses to avoid places like the zoo, amusement parks, fairs or any other place that involves a shitload of walking in hot weather. Yeah, letís all go to Disney World!

18. I love speed squat workouts where the only thing thatís moving fast is my heart rate.

19. I love leaving work and finding that when I get to my car I forgot something and realize it isnít worth the 20 yards to walk back and get it. The only exception to this rule is when I forget my car keys and then have to stand there pissed at myself for a half hour before I walk back in and get them. I usually try using my cell phone to call in and have someone bring them out to me.

20. I love swimming and finding myself in the deep end where I canít touch.

21. I always like it when Iím the passenger in a compact car. First you have a hell of a time getting into the car as it feels like youíre doing a one-leg squat down to a shoe box. Then when you reach your destination you find youíre curbside parked. You go to open the door and you hear the oh-so-familiar scratch of the car door on the curb. This sound runs down your spine like fingernails on a chalkboard.

You then look out the door and see that youíre required to do the deepest one-leg squat in history to get out. The only way youíll be able to do this is to arch your back and press your feet into the floor as hard as you can to begin to lift yourself up in the seat as you would on a hack squat machine. If done correctly, you can gain up to six inches before you take the side lunge from hell to get out.

Once youíre in the proper position you should be able to take the leap of faith to get out. If this wasnít bad enough, you always know that itís not over after the first step. You know thereís a very good chance youíll end up losing your balance as you get out and end up taking a few awkward backward steps once you clear the door. The worst thing of all is knowing once you get out youíll have to find a way to get back in.

22. I love feeling like Iím getting more jacked and ripped at the same time, yet every picture I see of myself shows a fat bloated pig. I guess itís true that a picture can add two rolls and twenty pounds of fat. Okay, thirty.

23. I like knowing that when I go to take a dump I have a very good chance of getting a lat cramp when I go to wipe. This will always lead to the ďquickĒ wipe and a dirty ass.

Jim has always suggested the use of baby wipes to finish the job, but letís face it, do you really want to risk the lat cramp again? Iíd much rather hit the shower to finish the job. Hint: Youíll need to get one of those detachable showerheads so you can get the direct line of fire.

If all else fails, you can ask your sweetheart to help finish the job. To do this you need to lie on your back and lift your legs up and back as far as you can. This will give her a perfect view to get the job done.

Okay, I know I crossed the line with that one, but I do know of at least three lifters who take care of hygiene this way. They call this ďassuming the position.Ē

24. I love having to have someone else button my top shirt button and put my tie on because I canít reach it.

25. I also like going out to eat and finding Iím in a restaurant that has two choices: 1) the booth you have to squeeze your ass into, knowing that your belly will be smashed the entire meal and 2) those tall tables with the extra high barstools. Not able to lean back and set your feet on the floor is counterproductive to one of the most important activities of getting bigóeating. I suggest leaving and finding somewhere else to eat.

26. I like all the crazy sexual positions I can conform to.

27. Going to the airport provides several great reasons why you should all strive to get big. First up, you have to get all your crap out of the car and to the check-in. In my case Iím usually looking at a duffle bag of clothes for the weekend trip. You also need a bigger bag because all your crap is size XXX, plus you need a few extra shirts as youíre bound to sweat through most of them and will need to change often.

I also have my briefcase with laptop, planner and all the other crap I need while away. In the case of a seminar, I also have a roller case with my LCD projector. Lastly, if I need to train while away Iíll need my training bag with all the gear Iíll need. (I donít even want to get into the bags needed for a powerlifting meet.)

So Iím faced with how to get four bags to the check-in terminal. Yes, you can get a roller cart, but this will require walking to the terminal to get the thing, then walking back, loading up and walking to the terminal again. This is way too many trips for a big guy to take.

If youíre lucky, youíll make it to the terminal with only four or five drops. If youíre following me here you know what happens when one bag falls off your shoulder. You try to recover and the next thing you know all your bags are on the floor. It takes several attempts to get all the bags back up and on your way.

Let me tell you this before I go on: donít try and kick a few bags as you go. This may seem like good idea but a travel bag doesnít kick as smoothly as you think it would, and itíll take much more energy kicking the bags than it would hiking them back on your shoulders.

Okay, so you make it to the check-in terminal. You take your place in line and set your crap down. This is when the ďbag kickĒ comes in handy. You donít want to have to pick up your bags every five minutes when the line moves up.

At this point youíll be starving from all the work you had to do to get here and you can see the fast food places around the corner. As each person moves up you get more and more hungry to the point that your hunger turns into ďstupid people aggression.Ē Most of you will know what I mean with this.

Youíre in line and what should take a max of five to ten seconds to do, takes some of these morons ten minutes. All you can think of doing is kicking the asshole in front of you in the back as he fumbles for his ID that he shouldíve had out ten minutes ago. Hell, Iíve been holding mine in my mouth for the last half hour to the point that the ends are now all chewed up.

You finally make it to the metal detector. We already discussed the belt issue, but itís important to point out that you should never wear laced shoes as youíll have to take them off, and we all know how hard they are to get back on.

Since youíre big and jacked you donít have to worry about taking anything out of your pockets because if you had something in there, thereís no way youíd ever get it out anyhow. This is also why big guys will always tip all the change they receive into the tip jar, because letís face it, where are you going to put it? In your front pocket? Yeah right! And how will you get it out? The only way youíd ever see the change again is when you take your pants off later that day. At this point itíll fall on the floor and youíll have to call in your kids to have them pick it up for you.

So you kick your shoes off and think youíll fly past the metal detector archway. This is true as long as you donít bump the sides. Since youíre huge, your shoulders are bound to hit, plus you have a shaved head and goatee and are automatically targeted as a threat. So you find yourself being directed to the two big footprints on the floor and told to stand here. Then they ask you to raise your arms and will always ask you if you work out. This is no time for small talk as your shoulders are messed up from your last squat session and itís killing you to hold your arms up.

Finally, you get a chance to drop a few hundred bucks on a handful of eats that should hold you over for the trip. Now is your time to take a seat and recover from the demanding trip so far. This is a great time to checkout all the normal folks to remind yourself how great it is to be huge.

You realize very fast that youíre ten times bigger than you thought you were as it seems everyone in this country is fat and out of shape. On any given day youíll be lucky to see one or two people who look like theyíve set foot in a weight room. The goal here is to not get too close to anyone as you donít want to catch the Geek Virus.

Soon youíll be boarding the plane. Itís best to wait until last to get on. Why rush to just go sit again and have to get up if someone else comes? If youíve planned your trip well you know you should have an isle seat so it doesnít matter when you get on. So relax and enjoy watching everyone else rush to the plane.

Now, you know the seat will be a tight fit and youíll have your balls crushed for the next hour or so. Find your seat but keep on the lookout for any seats that may be open with an empty seat next to them. Since you should be the last one on the plane, dive into whatever looks like the best place to be. This is your right because you are huge.
As you can see, being big is a great thing. If I canít convince you in 3000 words then thereís just no hope for you.
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Old 07-21-2010, 02:16 PM   #2
maniac
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LMFAO! For me it's 1, 3, 5, 8, 9, 12, 13, 16, 17, 21, 22, 24, & 27.
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Old 07-21-2010, 03:58 PM   #3
squat guy
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that was stupid funny! thanks for posting
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Old 07-21-2010, 03:48 PM   #4
dmaipa
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hahahah...hilarious!
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Old 07-21-2010, 03:53 PM   #5
grit
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I don't consider myself big but I have experience with: 1 2 3 8 12 13 16 18 19 22 23 24
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Old 07-21-2010, 04:10 PM   #6
thetim
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#23 sucks so bad
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Old 07-21-2010, 04:15 PM   #7
Sammich
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thetim View Post
#23 sucks so bad
I've never had the lat cramp, but I've had my lower back seize up from having to arch to reach
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