Joke of the Day

[Hanuman]

Funny !

[GetnBigr]

my wife would be offended, but I thought they were funny

[ctgblue]

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time,>he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Genius, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[ctgblue]

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together. After teeing off, they walked down the fairway, continuing their chat.
"What do you do?" the first man asked.
"I'm a salesman. What about you?"
"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.
The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the man where he lived.
Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."
The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof you got?" Gray." Then he asked "What color siding?" "Yellow." "You got a silver Toyota?"
"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car." "That your red pickup next to it?"
Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm here..?"
The hitman looked through the scope once more. " Oh, I see them now. Your wife a blond? Dark roots?" "Yeah." "Your buddy got black hair?"
“Yeah!" "Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." Said the hitman.
Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"
The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."
"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the balls!" The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim.
He then said, "You know what buddy. This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"

[GetnBigr]

Lmao!!!!

[ctgblue]

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[ctgblue]

Picking on the Aggies today
------------------------------------
A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture of the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good.
I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic.
Now let me ask you one question further "Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving
this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."

[GetnBigr]

Lmao!

[ctgblue]

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[ctgblue]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his
grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself
in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he
cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom
half of the photo.

He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but
then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is,
and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style.....it makes your
nose look too short."

[GetnBigr]

lmao!! you must have database of jokes stored somewhere.

[ctgblue]

139 page doc file

[GetnBigr]

something told me you didn't have all those memorized

[ctgblue]

oh, hell no, I can't even remember where the good ones are, so I go through and highlight them and then work my way through the highlighted ones.
Don't want to offend AmerI or LittleMiss

[TheLil'Missus]

Much appreciated, ctg. I try not to post the male bashing stuff I get on a daily basis as a nod to the gentlemen here. Women are vicious and in my family male bashing is a sport!

:kick: