Joke of the Day

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QUICK THINKER
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota," asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
The manager was shocked and replied, "My wife is from Minnesota!!!"
The boy answered, "Really?!?!? What team did she play for?"

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Subject: Why parents get gray:
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a Youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered,
"No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered,
"no".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked" May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me"

[GetnBigr]

Lmao!!!

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Seinfeld-isms, From the Washington Post
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living plants? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

[GetnBigr]

not bad!

[ctgblue]

OK, I'm gonna get it for this one too...
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A "Real" Woman on a Transatlantic flight.
A plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

[heavylifterx]

The Queen and the Pope are on the same stage. Huge crowd. The Queen and His Holiness however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Her Majesty says to his Holiness, "Pope, did you know, that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in this crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him, and sure enough the little royal gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every pommie in the crowd. Gradually it subsides.
His Holiness, not wishing to be outdone by a woman, who incidentally is wearing a worse frock and hat than he is, thinks to himself, what am I to do. Then it dawns on him. "Your Majesty, that was impressive, but did you know that with one nod of my head I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but this joy will go deep to their hearts, and they will talk of it and rejoice for months."
The Queen seriously doubts this ... "One little nod of your head, and all the Irish are joyous for months? Show me."
So the Pope headbutts her.

I finished that one in my head before I read the entire thing.... it was pretty funny though

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A man and a women were married for 40 years.When they first got married the man said:"I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in
it".In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"
The man thought for a while and said: "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: "Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
The woman was shocked, but said: "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later the woman asked the man: "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered: "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

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BLONDE JOKE
A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her. Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, "Miss, I`m sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you`re seated in first class; I`m afraid you`ll have to move." The blonde replies, "I`m blonde, and I`m beautiful, and I`m going to New York to be a model."
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, "I`m sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you`ll have to move back." The blonde replies, sweetly, "I`m blonde, and I`m beautiful, and I`m going to New York to be a model"-and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he`ll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class.
Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde`s ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.
Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, "Captain, I`m impressed ... what did you say to her?" he captain grinned slyly and said, "I just told her that the first class cabin doesn’t go to New York."

[wannabbig]

The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take some toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I took some toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man..

[wannabbig]

Trivia for Adults

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under.

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.

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This construction worker had climbed 20 stories to the job site. Once there he'd asked the foreman if he could go back down to take a leak. Not wanting to lose the time, the foreman balanced an I-beam across another, stood on one end, and told the worker to walk out to the other end to pee.
While the worker was doing his business, the phone rang. The foreman, forgetting what he was doing, stepped off the I-beam and the worker plunged 20 stories to his death.
The next week the safety inspectors came by to conduct a routine investigation into the accident.
They talked to the ground crew.
"I think it was sex-related, " offered one of the crew.
"Sex releated? How do you figure that?" said the investigator.
"Well, what made me look up was this guy coming down, dick in his hand, screaming, 'Where did that cocksucker go???'"

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A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, a veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat.
What to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Burl, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Now Burl was rumored to possess ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might entice Burl to satisfy the female gorilla.
They approached him with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for $500?
Burl: I might be interested. Let me think it over.
He entered the zoo administrators' office the following day.
Burl: I accept your offer, but with 3 conditions:
1st, I don't want to have to kiss her.
2nd, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result.
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but inquired about the 3rd condition?
Burl: Well, you've gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.

[musclecoder]

Ok, this ones pretty dirty.... hope you guys don't get offended...

Two guys are going for a week long hike in the woods. After a few days, they start to get fed up with each other and decide to split up for the day and hike on their own. At the conclusion of the day, they meet back up.

The first guy talks about his adventure to a waterfall that was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in the world. He bathed in the creek below and had the most wonderful time.

"What'd you do?" asked the first guy to the second guy.

The second guy told his story about finding a beautiful woman tied to some train tracks. He untied her and they made the most beautiful love of his life. They must've had sex 5 or 6 times.

The first guy asks the second, "well, did you get some oral sex from her too?"

The second guy responds, "Nah, I couldn't find her head!"

HAH

Or:

You ever see a chick who is so ugly she's a triple bagger? One bag for her, one bag for you, and one bag for anyone who happens to be walking by!

-mc

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Jumping off the Empire State Building
Two men are sitting, drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State
Building when one turns to the other and says:
"You know last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
2nd Man: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen"
1st Man:" No it's true let me prove it to you". So he gets up from the bar jumps over the balcony and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a onetime fluke."
1st Man: " No I'll prove it again", and again he jumps hurtling toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it". So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker and says: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."