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  • #31
    twisted
    -------------------------
    "A romance novel"
    We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.
    The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
    We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now.
    Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all to soon.
    As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable Mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered: "Baaaaa", then rejoined the flock.
    Lift big 2 get big
    TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
    mod at bodybuilding.com
    mod at iron-forum.com
    mod at melanoplanet.com

    Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
    So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
    "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
    Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

    Comment


    • #32
      I believe sick! sick! sick! was how you worded it.

      EWWWW! Or is it EWE!
      "The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem." -
      Theodore Rubin

      Mod @ Proactivehealthnet

      Comment


      • #33
        Why Dogs Are Better Than Women
        1. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
        2. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
        3. Dogs think you sing great.
        4. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
        5. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
        6. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
        7. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
        8. Dogs understand that farts are funny.
        9. Dogs love red meat.
        10. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
        11. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
        12. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
        13. A dog's parents never visit.
        14. Dogs love long car trips.
        15. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
        16. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
        17. Dogs like beer.
        18. No dog ever bought a Kenny G, Cher or Barbara Streisand album.
        19. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
        20. Dogs don't worry about germs.
        21. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
        22. You never have to wait for a dog.
        23. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
        24. Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
        25. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
        26. Dogs never want foot-rubs.
        27. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
        (maybe this is why all the good guys seem to always be with dogs)
        Lift big 2 get big
        TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
        mod at bodybuilding.com
        mod at iron-forum.com
        mod at melanoplanet.com

        Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
        So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
        "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
        Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

        Comment


        • #34
          funny thing is most of that is true, but I wouldn't trade my woman in on a dog.
          "Well done is better than well said"





          Comment


          • #35
            Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Cop When You're Pulled Over
            1. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
            2. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
            3. I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
            4. On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
            5. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
            6. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
            7. Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
            8. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
            9. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
            10. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!
            Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
            1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
            2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
            3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
            4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
            5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
            6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
            7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
            8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
            9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
            10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
            Top Ten Reasons Your Bank Line is so Long
            1. Bank employees are attention starved.
            2. Bank managers take bets to see which customer passes out first.
            3. Tellers are too busy plotting their lunch break to be concerned with the customers.
            4. The abacus got rusty.
            5. Bank employees spend too much time telling customers to LINK-UP.
            6. Artists get tired printing twenty dollar bills by hand.
            7. Why not, you've got all day.
            8. Because It's 12:45 and you know your check is going to bounce at 1:00pm
            9. Service charges and line-ups are cosmically linked.
            10. That Old Lady is paying all her bills in pennies.
            Lift big 2 get big
            TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
            mod at bodybuilding.com
            mod at iron-forum.com
            mod at melanoplanet.com

            Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
            So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
            "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
            Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

            Comment


            • #36
              A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball.
              So they advised their butler that they were giving him the have evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out
              until quite late.
              The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.
              The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.
              So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.
              She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer.
              She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress...".
              "Now take off my bra.
              "Next remove my shoes and stockings."
              "Now remove my garter belt and panties"
              She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".
              Lift big 2 get big
              TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
              mod at bodybuilding.com
              mod at iron-forum.com
              mod at melanoplanet.com

              Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
              So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
              "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
              Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

              Comment


              • #37
                Why do women like older gynecologists?
                When they ask why wiggle your finger like an old man....
                The King of Average Women

                Comment


                • #38
                  This one's kinda bad...but here goes....btw - no offense to Muslim folks - my wife is one....

                  Two western women were sitting in a cafe and saw a muslim couple walking down the street. The man was walking in front while the wife walked behind him carrying all the bags. The western women said "look at how the Muslims treat their wives..tsk..tsk"

                  Later that week the western women were driving along the road when they saw the same couple. This time the wife was walking up front and the husband was walking behind her carrying all the bags. The western women pulled over and said "wow - thats progress!"

                  The man replied: "nope - landmines"
                  The King of Average Women

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
                    Worse: You're in it.

                    Bad: Your children are sexually active.
                    Worse: With each other.

                    Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
                    Worse: He looks better than you.

                    Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
                    Worse: She's a lawyer.

                    Bad: Your wife is leaving you.
                    Worse: For another woman.

                    Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
                    Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

                    Bad: Your wife is arrested for soliciting.
                    Worse: She implicates you.

                    Good: Hot outdoor sex.
                    Bad: You're arrested.
                    Worse: By your husband.

                    Good: The teacher likes your son.
                    Bad: Sexually.

                    Good: You came home for a quickie.
                    Bad: Your wife walks in.

                    Good: You go to see a strip show.
                    Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

                    Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
                    Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

                    Good: Your daughter's on the pill.
                    Bad: She's eleven.

                    Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
                    Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

                    Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
                    Bad: You live downtown.

                    Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
                    Bad: She's coming home.

                    Good: Your son's on t.v.
                    Bad: On America's Most Wanted.

                    Good: Your wife's kinky.
                    Bad: With the neighbors.
                    Worse: All of them.
                    Lift big 2 get big
                    TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                    mod at bodybuilding.com
                    mod at iron-forum.com
                    mod at melanoplanet.com

                    Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                    So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                    "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                    Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Awesome!!
                      "The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem." -
                      Theodore Rubin

                      Mod @ Proactivehealthnet

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Truck Driver
                        A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK" He goes in and sits down.
                        The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living.
                        The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.
                        The bartender says “OK, truck drivers are not nerds”, and serves him a beer.
                        As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long.
                        The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
                        The truck driver asks him why he did that.
                        The bartender said not to worry, "The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license", he said.
                        So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
                        A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
                        The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
                        "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
                        Lift big 2 get big
                        TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                        mod at bodybuilding.com
                        mod at iron-forum.com
                        mod at melanoplanet.com

                        Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                        So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                        "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                        Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          that was a good one!!!!
                          "Well done is better than well said"





                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Subject: WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
                            A man boards an airplane and takes his seat.
                            As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading right towards his seat.
                            Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
                            Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out "Business trip or vacation?"
                            She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I am going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in Chicago."
                            He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
                            Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she says. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, "what myths are those?"
                            "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to posses that trait.
                            Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
                            Suddenly, the woman becomes a Little uncomfortable and blushes.
                            "I'm sorry", she says. "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
                            "Tonto," the man says, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
                            Lift big 2 get big
                            TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                            mod at bodybuilding.com
                            mod at iron-forum.com
                            mod at melanoplanet.com

                            Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                            So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                            "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                            Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              another good one!!!
                              "Well done is better than well said"





                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Since I get tired of blonde jokes too.....

                                Why do brunettes like their dark hair color ?
                                It doesn't show the dirt.
                                Who makes all the bras for brunettes ?
                                Fisher-Price
                                Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes ?
                                The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable
                                Why are most brunettes flat-chested ?
                                It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts
                                Why are brunettes so proud of their hair ?
                                It matches their mustache
                                Why is the color brunette considered evil ?
                                When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch ?
                                How can you tell a brunette is lonely ?
                                Check her for a pulse
                                What is the most frustrated animal in the world ?
                                A brunette rabbit
                                Why do brunettes wear training bras ?
                                It's cheaper than changing their bandaids every day
                                Why did they quit selling brunette Barbie dolls ?
                                Parents felt the dandruff might be contagious
                                How do brunettes get the tangles out their hair ?
                                With a rake
                                What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween ?
                                They just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops
                                Why don't brunettes get breast implants ?
                                They've already spent their money on thigh & butt implants
                                What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover ?
                                " What part of 'yes' don't you understand ?"
                                Why did God create brunettes ?
                                So ugly men wouldn't feel left out
                                What do brunettes miss most about a great party ?
                                The invitation
                                Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant ?
                                From their underarms
                                Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job ?
                                Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch
                                How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night ?
                                Startled
                                What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette ?
                                A hostage
                                How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color ?
                                By studying what oil spills did to seaweed
                                What's the difference between a brunette and the trash ?
                                At least the trash gets taken out once a week
                                Lift big 2 get big
                                TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                                mod at bodybuilding.com
                                mod at iron-forum.com
                                mod at melanoplanet.com

                                Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                                So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                                "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                                Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                                Comment

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