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  • #16
    Things NOT to say to a cop
    1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
    2. Sorry Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
    3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
    4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
    5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
    6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish High School instead.
    7. Bad cop! No donut!
    8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
    9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
    10. Hey didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
    11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
    12. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
    13. I pay your salary!
    14. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
    15. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
    16. do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
    17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around-that's how far ahead of me they are.
    18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
    19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
    20. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
    21. Hey, can you give me one of those full cavity searches?
    Lift big 2 get big
    TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
    mod at bodybuilding.com
    mod at iron-forum.com
    mod at melanoplanet.com

    Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
    So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
    "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
    Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

    Comment


    • #17
      And God said to Adam . . .
      One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me.. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
      God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.
      (sad but true......)
      Lift big 2 get big
      TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
      mod at bodybuilding.com
      mod at iron-forum.com
      mod at melanoplanet.com

      Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
      So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
      "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
      Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

      Comment


      • #18
        oh no! we've been found out!
        "Well done is better than well said"





        Comment


        • #19
          this is dated but still funny
          ------------------------------------
          Subject: How bout them 'Boys?
          Barry Switzer, clearly upset about the Dallas Cowboy's losing record, decides to find out from Steve Mariucci what his secret is.
          So, Switzer travels up to a 49er practice and asks Mariucci, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?" Mariucci responds by calling Steve Young over. "Steve, who's your father's brother's nephew?"
          Young answers, "Why coach, that's easy. It's me." Mariucci turns to Switzer and says, "That's the secret, Barry. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback."
          Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Switzer returns to Texas and the Cowboy work-out. He promptly calls over Troy Aikman. "Aikman! Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Troy looks perplexed, thinks a minute and says, "Coach, can I get back to you after practice on that one?" Switzer (disgusted) says, "OK."
          During practice, Aikman calls over Deion Sanders. "Deion, coach just asked me the weirdest question. Who's your father's brother's nephew?"
          Sanders: "Duh! That's easy. It's me!"
          After practice, Aikman catches up with Switzer: "Coach, I think I've got it. My father's brother's nephew is Deion Sanders."
          Switzer (angry): "No, No, NO! You idiot! It's Steve Young!"
          Lift big 2 get big
          TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
          mod at bodybuilding.com
          mod at iron-forum.com
          mod at melanoplanet.com

          Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
          So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
          "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
          Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

          Comment


          • #20
            A funny Yogi Berra story:

            he goes out with a few friends to eat and orders a pizza. the server asks Yogi if he wants it cut in six or eight slices. Says Yogi, "Six, I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat eight."

            Comment


            • #21
              Originally posted by GetnBigr
              oh no! we've been found out!
              GnB, ya'll are the only one's who thought you weren't found out in the first place. We love ya'll cause you're cute and squish roaches for us. Thanks.
              "The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem." -
              Theodore Rubin

              Mod @ Proactivehealthnet

              Comment


              • #22
                Best Bumper stickers for 1998
                =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
                * Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
                * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
                * My kid had sex with your honor student.
                * I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
                * Lord save me from your followers.
                * Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
                * Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
                * I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
                * Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
                * If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
                * Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
                * Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
                Lift big 2 get big
                TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                mod at bodybuilding.com
                mod at iron-forum.com
                mod at melanoplanet.com

                Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                Comment


                • #23
                  Originally posted by TheLil'Missus
                  GnB, ya'll are the only one's who thought you weren't found out in the first place. We love ya'll cause you're cute and squish roaches for us. Thanks.
                  At least we're good for something.
                  "Well done is better than well said"





                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by ctgblue
                    Best Bumper stickers for 1998
                    =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
                    * Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
                    * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
                    * My kid had sex with your honor student.
                    * I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
                    * Lord save me from your followers.
                    * Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
                    * Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
                    * I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
                    * Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
                    * If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
                    * Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
                    * Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.


                    one of my favorites is:

                    *Marriage is grand; divorce is 50 grand!
                    "Well done is better than well said"





                    Comment


                    • #25
                      I like
                      "My kid beat up your honor student and stole their lunch money"
                      And
                      "Large muscular driver will EAT YOU if you can read this"
                      Lift big 2 get big
                      TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                      mod at bodybuilding.com
                      mod at iron-forum.com
                      mod at melanoplanet.com

                      Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                      So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                      "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                      Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
                        Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
                        The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
                        The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."
                        So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
                        The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
                        The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
                        The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
                        After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
                        Lift big 2 get big
                        TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                        mod at bodybuilding.com
                        mod at iron-forum.com
                        mod at melanoplanet.com

                        Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                        So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                        "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                        Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed
                          for a job. The interviewer asked, What is the fastest thing you know of?
                          pointing to the man on his right.

                          The first man replied, A thought. It pops into your head, there's no
                          forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A Thought is the
                          fastest thing I know of. That's very good! replied the interviewer.

                          And now you, Sir, he asked the second man. Hmmm...let me see, a blink! It
                          comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest
                          thing I know of. Excellent! said the interviewer. The blink of an eye.
                          That's a very popular cliche for speed.

                          He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. Well, out
                          on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a
                          light switch, when you flip that switch, way across the pasture the
                          light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the
                          fastest thing I can think of. The interviewer was very impressed with the
                          third answer and thought he had found his man. It's hard to beat the speed
                          of light, he said.

                          Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question.
                          After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the
                          fastest thing known is diarrhea, said the Newfie.
                          What!' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
                          Oh, I can explain, said the Newfie. You see, the other day I wasn't
                          feeling
                          so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or
                          turn on the light, I shit my pants. He got the job.
                          "The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem." -
                          Theodore Rubin

                          Mod @ Proactivehealthnet

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            sick sick sick
                            Lift big 2 get big
                            TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices
                            mod at bodybuilding.com
                            mod at iron-forum.com
                            mod at melanoplanet.com

                            Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years.
                            So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry??
                            "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
                            Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Heehee! Thank youuu! Thank you very much!
                              "The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem." -
                              Theodore Rubin

                              Mod @ Proactivehealthnet

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                TLM, that was the best joke I've heard in a while!!!!!
                                "Well done is better than well said"





                                Comment

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