Joke of the Day - Page 4

ctgblue · 11-12-2004, 08:46 AM

1. Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed, "The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read, "Please use other entrance."
2. Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was, "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
3. A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the postal clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Has it come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
4. A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer: 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.
5. I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" my son asked. "He died and went to heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
6. After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
7. "My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife answered. Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

GetnBigr · 11-12-2004, 10:21 AM

I liked number 4

ctgblue · 11-15-2004, 10:15 AM

Two buddies were out taking their dogs for a walk. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get a drink."
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us. "
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."
They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mate, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "Oh OK, come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he also put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. He knew this would be harder to believe.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, mate, no pets allowed."
The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said," A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?? .......... the bastards gave me a Chihuahua??”

Egill · 11-15-2004, 11:25 PM

lol, good one.

GetnBigr · 11-16-2004, 06:32 AM

lmao!! I'll have to use that one.

ctgblue · 11-16-2004, 08:43 AM

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet)but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting-the bull's equivalent of an Ape's beating his chest or Man's bone-chilling, war-like cry of "Stay away from my Woman, Vato!
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

ctgblue · 11-17-2004, 08:27 AM

A neatly dressed salesman stopped by a man in the street and asked,
"Sir, would you like to buy a toothbrush for ten dollars?"
Aghast, the man said, "I should say not. That's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt. "Well then, how about a homemade brownie for five cents?"
This seemed fair, and the man handed a nickel to the salesman.
Unwrapping the brownie, he took a bite; suddenly the man spat out the mouthful.
"Say, he snarled, "This brownie tastes like shit!"
“It is”, replied the salesman. “Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

ctgblue · 11-18-2004, 09:21 AM

Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungie Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets.
Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea."
After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came back up Zeke noticed that his clothes were torn and wondered what that was all about. Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding.
Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here."
Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.
Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"
Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??"

ctgblue · 11-19-2004, 12:13 PM

NOT THAT FUNNY BUT NEVERTHELESS ENTERTAINING....
One Sunday morning, William burst into the living room and said,
Dad! Mom! I have great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block a way and her name is Susan.
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk to you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heartbroken.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the news to him. "Dianne is your half sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! HE decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister." His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

ctgblue · 11-22-2004, 05:52 PM

A Late entry from the busy guy

CHINESE PROVERBS
Virginity like bubble; one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib; but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

ctgblue · 11-23-2004, 09:06 AM

Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask...
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
1. Football
2. Baseball
3. How fat you are.
4. How much prettier she is than you.
5. How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes."
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet.
"And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

ctgblue · 11-24-2004, 08:38 AM

If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours.-- Clarence Day
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.-- Shirley Temple
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing, when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. -- Rod Serling
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. -- Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. -- Robert Frost
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. -- Sam Levenson
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. -- David Letterman
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. -- Douglas Adams
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun. -- Al Capone
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. -- Joey Bishop
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. Jones
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you -- Chuck Gubser
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. -- Jackie Mason
When you go into court, you're putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. -- Norm Crosby
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? -- Jean Cocturan
The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. -- Aaron Machado
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. -- Leno
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. -- Michael Landon
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. -- Wendell Johnson
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. -- Fran Lebowitz
The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear cut, stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves, which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing. --Gamel Abdel Nasser
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so.
-- Artimus Ward, 1834-1867
Put another way: You can always spot a well informed man - his views are the same as yours. -- Ilka Chase
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. -- Mark Twain
In 3 words I can sum up everything I've learned in life. It goes on. -- Robert Frost
Men who treat women as helpless and charming playthings deserve women who treat men as delightful and generous bank accounts. -- GQ
Reality is a scary plane of existence, avoid it at all costs. -- Unknown
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get less than you settled for. -- Maureen Doud
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. -- Mae West

ctgblue · 11-29-2004, 09:20 AM

It's PC TIME!!!!

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY UNAWARE.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT OR CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

ctgblue · 12-03-2004, 12:05 PM

OK, now I'm back from the Cold Country.
Here's a new one.
****************
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses.
On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knockout any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes-I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the
last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do.
And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." She replied.
"And he still believes in genies- that's amazing."

ctgblue · 12-06-2004, 08:37 AM

Dear Redneck Son;
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Kentucky family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.... Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Hanuman · 12-06-2004, 09:15 AM

Great work Bro, keep it coming !!!

ctgblue · 12-07-2004, 09:28 AM

Subject: Employee Evaluation samples
These useful quotes were reportedly taken from actual federal employee performance evaluations:
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
11. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together
12. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
13. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
15. He's been working with glue too much.
16. He would argue with a signpost.
17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
19. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
31. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

ctgblue · 12-08-2004, 08:50 AM

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

ctgblue · 12-09-2004, 08:36 AM

MEN VS. WOMEN
The difference between men and women in one paragraph:
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies "BITCH".
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

Egill · 12-09-2004, 01:31 PM

LOL, a very good one.

ctgblue · 12-10-2004, 08:44 AM

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it w

11-12-2004, 08:46 AM	#76
ctgblue Heavyweight Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Behind you, waiting to steal your protein Posts: 1,871	1. Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed, "The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read, "Please use other entrance." 2. Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was, "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am." 3. A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the postal clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Has it come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones." 4. A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer: 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7. 5. I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" my son asked. "He died and went to heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?" 6. After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had." 7. "My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife answered. Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" __________________ Lift big 2 get big TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices mod at bodybuilding.com mod at iron-forum.com mod at melanoplanet.com Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years. So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry?? "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes" Last edited by ctgblue : 11-12-2004 at 08:57 AM.

11-12-2004, 10:21 AM	#77
GetnBigr IM Veteran Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In the South Posts: 2,957	I liked number 4 __________________ "Well done is better than well said"

11-15-2004, 10:15 AM	#78
ctgblue Heavyweight Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Behind you, waiting to steal your protein Posts: 1,871	Two buddies were out taking their dogs for a walk. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get a drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us. " The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mate, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "Oh OK, come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he also put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. He knew this would be harder to believe. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, mate, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said," A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?? .......... the bastards gave me a Chihuahua??” __________________ Lift big 2 get big TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices mod at bodybuilding.com mod at iron-forum.com mod at melanoplanet.com Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years. So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry?? "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

11-15-2004, 11:25 PM	#79
Egill DC Q & A Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Iceland Posts: 2,244	lol, good one. __________________ each day is an opportunity to move you closer to your goals. <--- Batdog needs trueprotein for his superpowers www.trueprotein.com for a discount use my Batdog approved discount code: EGO693

11-16-2004, 06:32 AM	#80
GetnBigr IM Veteran Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In the South Posts: 2,957	lmao!! I'll have to use that one. __________________ "Well done is better than well said"

11-16-2004, 08:43 AM	#81
ctgblue Heavyweight Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Behind you, waiting to steal your protein Posts: 1,871	Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine." Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet)but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows." They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting-the bull's equivalent of an Ape's beating his chest or Man's bone-chilling, war-like cry of "Stay away from my Woman, Vato! First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!" __________________ Lift big 2 get big TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices mod at bodybuilding.com mod at iron-forum.com mod at melanoplanet.com Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years. So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry?? "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

11-17-2004, 08:27 AM	#82
ctgblue Heavyweight Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Behind you, waiting to steal your protein Posts: 1,871	A neatly dressed salesman stopped by a man in the street and asked, "Sir, would you like to buy a toothbrush for ten dollars?" Aghast, the man said, "I should say not. That's robbery!" The salesman seemed hurt. "Well then, how about a homemade brownie for five cents?" This seemed fair, and the man handed a nickel to the salesman. Unwrapping the brownie, he took a bite; suddenly the man spat out the mouthful. "Say, he snarled, "This brownie tastes like shit!" “It is”, replied the salesman. “Wanna buy a toothbrush?" __________________ Lift big 2 get big TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices mod at bodybuilding.com mod at iron-forum.com mod at melanoplanet.com Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years. So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry?? "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

11-18-2004, 09:21 AM	#83
ctgblue Heavyweight Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Behind you, waiting to steal your protein Posts: 1,871	Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungie Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets. Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came back up Zeke noticed that his clothes were torn and wondered what that was all about. Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here." Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body. Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?" Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??" __________________ Lift big 2 get big TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices mod at bodybuilding.com mod at iron-forum.com mod at melanoplanet.com Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years. So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry?? "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

11-19-2004, 12:13 PM	#84
ctgblue Heavyweight Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Behind you, waiting to steal your protein Posts: 1,871	NOT THAT FUNNY BUT NEVERTHELESS ENTERTAINING.... One Sunday morning, William burst into the living room and said, Dad! Mom! I have great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block a way and her name is Susan. After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk to you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." William was heartbroken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the news to him. "Dianne is your half sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this." William was furious! HE decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister." His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father." __________________ Lift big 2 get big TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices mod at bodybuilding.com mod at iron-forum.com mod at melanoplanet.com Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years. So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry?? "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

11-22-2004, 05:52 PM	#85
ctgblue Heavyweight Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Behind you, waiting to steal your protein Posts: 1,871	A Late entry from the busy guy CHINESE PROVERBS Virginity like bubble; one prick, all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth. War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib; but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Crowded elevator smell different to midget. __________________ Lift big 2 get big TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices mod at bodybuilding.com mod at iron-forum.com mod at melanoplanet.com Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years. So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry?? "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

11-23-2004, 09:06 AM	#86
ctgblue Heavyweight Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Behind you, waiting to steal your protein Posts: 1,871	Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask... There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?" What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example: 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: 1. Football 2. Baseball 3. How fat you are. 4. How much prettier she is than you. 5. How he would spend the insurance money if you died. According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking." The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers: 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include: a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes. c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - Who, me? 3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include: a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke: "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed." __________________ Lift big 2 get big TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices mod at bodybuilding.com mod at iron-forum.com mod at melanoplanet.com Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years. So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry?? "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

11-24-2004, 08:38 AM	#87
ctgblue Heavyweight Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Behind you, waiting to steal your protein Posts: 1,871	If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours.-- Clarence Day I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.-- Shirley Temple It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing, when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. -- Rod Serling Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. -- Sam Levenson (1911-1980) The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. -- Robert Frost The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. -- Sam Levenson Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. -- David Letterman I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. -- Douglas Adams This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague. You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun. -- Al Capone Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. -- Joey Bishop The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. Jones Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you -- Chuck Gubser I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. -- Jackie Mason When you go into court, you're putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. -- Norm Crosby We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? -- Jean Cocturan The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. -- Aaron Machado The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. -- Leno It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. -- Jerry Seinfeld If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. -- Michael Landon Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. -- Wendell Johnson Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. -- Fran Lebowitz The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear cut, stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves, which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing. --Gamel Abdel Nasser Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. -- Artimus Ward, 1834-1867 Put another way: You can always spot a well informed man - his views are the same as yours. -- Ilka Chase Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. -- Mark Twain In 3 words I can sum up everything I've learned in life. It goes on. -- Robert Frost Men who treat women as helpless and charming playthings deserve women who treat men as delightful and generous bank accounts. -- GQ Reality is a scary plane of existence, avoid it at all costs. -- Unknown The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get less than you settled for. -- Maureen Doud I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. -- Ashleigh Brilliant Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. -- Mae West __________________ Lift big 2 get big TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices mod at bodybuilding.com mod at iron-forum.com mod at melanoplanet.com Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years. So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry?? "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

11-29-2004, 09:20 AM	#88
ctgblue Heavyweight Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Behind you, waiting to steal your protein Posts: 1,871	It's PC TIME!!!! She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY UNAWARE. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION. She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE. She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She does not get FAT OR CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. __________________ Lift big 2 get big TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices mod at bodybuilding.com mod at iron-forum.com mod at melanoplanet.com Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years. So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry?? "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

12-03-2004, 12:05 PM	#89
ctgblue Heavyweight Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Behind you, waiting to steal your protein Posts: 1,871	OK, now I'm back from the Cold Country. Here's a new one. ************** A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knockout any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes-I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35." She replied. "And he still believes in genies- that's amazing." __________________ Lift big 2 get big TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001** for additional savings on already great prices mod at bodybuilding.com mod at iron-forum.com mod at melanoplanet.com Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years. So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry?? "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

12-06-2004, 08:37 AM	#90
ctgblue Heavyweight Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Behind you, waiting to steal your protein Posts: 1,871	Dear Redneck Son; I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Kentucky family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.... Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. __________________ Lift big 2 get big TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices mod at bodybuilding.com mod at iron-forum.com mod at melanoplanet.com Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years. So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry?? "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

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12-06-2004, 09:15 AM	#91
Hanuman Lightweight Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Brazil ! Posts: 466	Great work Bro, keep it coming !!! __________________ Stay Hard and Get Huge ! Whatever you can do or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius , power and magic in it. Begin it now. - Goethe

12-07-2004, 09:28 AM	#92
ctgblue Heavyweight Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Behind you, waiting to steal your protein Posts: 1,871	Subject: Employee Evaluation samples These useful quotes were reportedly taken from actual federal employee performance evaluations: 1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this employee to breed. 3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be. 4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet. 6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better. 11. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together 12. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 13. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier. 14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime. 15. He's been working with glue too much. 16. He would argue with a signpost. 17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room. 18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell. 19. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one. 20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. 22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. 27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 28. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 29. One neuron short of a synapse. 30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. 31. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. 32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. __________________ Lift big 2 get big TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices mod at bodybuilding.com mod at iron-forum.com mod at melanoplanet.com Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years. So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry?? "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

12-08-2004, 08:50 AM	#93
ctgblue Heavyweight Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Behind you, waiting to steal your protein Posts: 1,871	A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it." __________________ Lift big 2 get big TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices mod at bodybuilding.com mod at iron-forum.com mod at melanoplanet.com Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years. So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry?? "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

12-09-2004, 08:36 AM	#94
ctgblue Heavyweight Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Behind you, waiting to steal your protein Posts: 1,871	MEN VS. WOMEN The difference between men and women in one paragraph: A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies "BITCH". They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. __________________ Lift big 2 get big TrueProtein.com Use discount code ctg001 for additional savings on already great prices mod at bodybuilding.com mod at iron-forum.com mod at melanoplanet.com Obesity related illness will account for more than 1/2 of all health care costs in the next few years. So why is the damn government waging war on the FITNESS Industry?? "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. Because, then you're a mile away, AND you've got their shoes"

12-09-2004, 01:31 PM	#95
Egill DC Q & A Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Iceland Posts: 2,244	LOL, a very good one. __________________ each day is an opportunity to move you closer to your goals. <--- Batdog needs trueprotein for his superpowers www.trueprotein.com for a discount use my Batdog approved discount code: EGO693