havingfun

A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman

The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the no te, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read:
"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, a Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage.
Beautiful homes in Aspen , Colorado and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas.
There's over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.

Just send the bottle back!!!

wakejump4me

a woman and her husband are ready to go out . she takes a final look in the mirror and starts complaining > '' i am ugly , my waist is to wide , i got no tits , my ass is too fat ......'' and on and on and on ...
then she ask her husband > " honey , could you , at least , give me a compliment so that i am feeling a little better ? ''
He said > '' you have very good eyes ''


wake

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Practice does not make perfect. Only perfect practice makes perfect.

Vince Lombardi

grunt

A blonde and a redhead jump off a cliff. Who will hit the bottom first? The redhead! The blonde will ask for directions.

havingfun

A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big chief of the tribe, "Father, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have short names like Bill, Tex or Sam?"

His father replied, "My son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem in our culture; not like the white men who live all together and merely repeat their names from generation to generation.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
Then there's your brother, White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. It's really very simple and easy to understand.

Do you have any other questions of me, little Broken Condom Made in China?"

MX_Ivanko

haha that is a good one

steve302

A guy in a ski mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.

"Open the f*cking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank," she replies, "we don't have any money, this is a sperm bank".

"Don't argue.... open the f*cking safe or I'll blow your f*cking head off" says the guy with the gun.

She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."

"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously. "Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She pries the cap off and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too" he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well.

Suddenly the guy pulls off the ski mask and to the girl's amazement, it's her boyfriend.

"See," he says "it's not that f*cking difficult is it!?!"

havingfun

Arabs boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN

havingfun

One winter morning a husband and wife in Denver were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ....."
Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with
a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get
through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married
to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

buster

Ha!

Nadirator

THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE READ IN A LONG TIME! PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS...YOU'LL ENJOY IT!!! (only a man would do this)

(Gals -you have got to read the whole thing if you can keep the tears out of your eyes)

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking for a little something "extra" for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner with my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for only a fraction of a second) and
then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect her against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched
delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with two little itty bitty tiny triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "NO possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little 'ol thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad... I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a "one-second burst", when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. (How did they up get there???) My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my
testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

__________________

I AM 100%... ONE Meal at a time.... One Cardio at a time.. One Pound at a time..

Nadine WANTS IT ...
I have something to prove to myself!!! SHOW ME!!!!

Control

Hahaha well done.

Vivid04

Why do Mexicans walk around school like they own everything?



Cuz their papa built it and their mama cleans it!

Chheee-Heee!!!!

__________________

legz

why cant lesbians wear make-up while dieting....


They cant eat jenny craig while mary kay is on their face!!

__________________
YOU ARE BORN WEAK AND DIE WEAK, WHAT YOU DO INBETWEEN IS UP TO YOU!

"DO WHATEVER IT TAKES....EVEN WHEN IT HURTS!"



Hello. Your Site is good. Its good life.

robbomas

What do you call an Italian with no hands?

A mute.

froobly

funny

theroymccoy

A penguin takes his truck to the mechanic to get it fixed.

"Mr. Mechanic, what can I do while you fix my truck?"

"Well there's an ice cream shop about 2 miles down the road, it's world famous, check it out."

So the penguin walks to the ice cream shop and is very picky. He waits and waits and can't decide what to get when he suddenly realizes that the repair shop is about to close. So he hastily picks a vanilla ice cream cone and waddles back.

It was a very hot day and he could barely hold the cone since he has flippers. He's trying to run and eat at the same time when the vanilla ice cream melts all over his hands, chest, and beak.

He waddles into the repair shop and gasps, "So...what's...wrong...with my truck?"

The mechanic replies, "Well, it looks like you blew a seal..."

"What? Oh no, this is just ice cream, what happened to my truck?"

theroymccoy

A man puts 3 items on the conveyor belt at the local grocery store. First item is a Playboy magazine, second item is a frozen TV dinner, third item is a 12-pack of Bud Light.

All of a sudden a beautiful woman waits in line right behind him. She takes one look at the man, then at his items, leans over and says,

"Hey...you must be single, huh?"

The man starts to chuckle, "Haha, why, is it because of all this stuff I bought?"

She says, "No, it's because you're f*cking ugly."

Ginroth

haha, nice thread